Corporate tree hugger- part time angel

Getting what you want

2011-10-14T06:48:00.000-07:00

Getting what you want 101. if you want it, go get it.

Seriously, do you need to go to ehow.com to figure this one out?

I've had recent conversations about how 'some people' are luckier than others. My retort was that people who persevere are seemingly lucky because they keep trying. If you sit in a corner, even if the window is open and the light shines in the room, you will never feel the sunlight if you don't move and change position..sheesh.

Anyway, i don't want to dwell on this, nor do I want to dwell on the next topic. Just an update:

Dad: still sick with the big c in his pancreas. He's moved onto 5FU, the big guns when it comes to PC, so we have come to the end of the rope really..he's flagging, with diabetes now and normal pressure hydrocephalus. I really have no idea how I am going to survive without him. but i guess I don't have much of an option.

Mich: she says that she will try harder regarding improving her life on her timeline, not ours. alright, 7 years..no more anger for me..I'm done being bitter about this, its not my life.

Mum: still hard headed, but still the sweetest thing ever.

me: still crazy, still working in laos, still married, still with one child and 3 cutie puppies, still me.

on the side: I reunited with a friend over the phone today, who complained that I call on the day that I am leaving..ha ha ha. The conversation started odd, as I told her it was Ming, and was so happy to hear her voice, asking where she was, what her plan was for the night and she kept answering in a somewhat monotone voice, so i figured she was tired, or ill, or not too pleased to hear from me..until she said "MIIINNGGG, Its you! I thought you were someone else!'..ha ha ha. and here I was thinking, man she has changed! In fact, she hasn't, ofcourse she would maintain a civil conversation with whoever she thought she was talking to..though she found it odd that 'May' would be asking such questions..ha ha ha. miss you bash sister!

Well, anyway, til the next entry. hope dad stays alright til I get home next month...here's hoping I get what I want.

Pregnancy 101

2010-04-21T04:09:00.000-07:00

I never imagined I would reach the age to actually be pregnant. Actually be old enough to consider myself a potentially good but cool mother..but here I am now, 4 months pregnant, and finally enjoying it.

First of all, nothing and I mean NOTHING prepares you for the first trimester. Maybe I am not the norm, but for those who plan to get pregnant, be prepared NOT to be the norm. I was lucky enough not to get morning sickness, but I was so not prepared for mood swings. Okay, it wasn't even swinging, it was just mood, dark, somber, NOT happy and surely NOT shiny! More like paranoid schizophrenic in hyper sensitive jealous insecure mode!

And I think back to all the movies and crap that glorify pregnancy..hey don't get me wrong, I want to be pregs..I want to experience it in full, all the ups and the downs, but it would have been nice if someone was actually blunt enough to say 'you are going to turn into a woman you wouldn't marry yourself, be kind and tell your husband to go hang out with his friends until you snap out of it'..that would have been nice.

So..4 months, 4 kilos more than when i started..hoping to not hit cow proportions. I have porn boobs, like it actually looks like I have had implants put in..sheesh.

And overall, it really is an inexplicably great experience..til the next entry..

p.s. dad's cancer markers are down, though he couldn't do chemo today as his rbc's were low..but overall, much much better..Here's praying for 2 more years of time with daddy.

Cyclic

2010-03-10T00:25:00.000-08:00

They say everything moves in cycles. possibly true. So one minute you are up, the other you are down. Duration of stages in the cycle can greatly differ, I guess its how you view the situation.

Soooo, IF you have been following me (unlikely, which is all good), you should know that:

2004: sister, aneurysm
Status from 2004 to present: Mich now works, so yay for her in that regard. But her lack of drive, her lack of lust for life, her happiness with being relegated to being a bum, well, that has stayed. Its easy to blame my mother for it, but I won't, as she is old enough to know what is right and wrong, and how not to burden other people needlessly. She probably has lost a marble or two, but the selfishness that is currently presiding is just not good enough.

2007: Moved to laos
Status from 2004 to present: After the rollercoaster drama of being home, dealing with the fam, drinking myself til 8 am every weekend and working myself to death, I move to Laos, where I worked myself to death also, but also ended up meeting my future husband. I am now married and 2 months pregnant. I honestly can't ask for more. My life is blessed.

December 2009: Daddy diagnosed with Stage 4 metastatic pancreatic cancer.
Current status: One round of chemo done, On the second round now, with one session today, and another next week. Initially weak, but currently gaining strength and walking unaided.

So, cyclic. I was able to cheer up and be happy for hmmm 3 years before I'm told that the man who has played the leading role in my life is going to die within the next 3 months if he doesn't do chemo, and 6 months to 2 years if he responds well to treatment.

There must be a reason why parents are supposed to let kids go, like emotionally go,because for me, I am directly linked to my father. I am 34 and he still called me every other day, and texts me every day, and I live in a different country!

As usual, my mother is not accustomed to certain ways of thinking, like POSITIVE thinking, or adaptive management. No, she's the KAYA KO To attitude. She makes mura everyone, especially the maids, she can't accept help from people and well, she's tiring herself to death. Just what I needed, two dead parents. NICE. she's also worried that her money is going to run out...hay.

anyway, today is a good day. life is good. I am expecting a child. My parents love each other so much they want to do die together. nice.

and just when you thought all was going well..

2010-01-20T07:29:00.001-08:00

I was waiting for something to go wrong...life was too good. and as cynical or pessimistic you want to say I am, I just say I am realistic..life is cyclic, and things happen...and now,..what I can classify as possibly the worst thing that could happen in my life has happened. I can't imagine another thing that could be worst than this. Okay, perhaps an abrupt death of my father would be worst, but him, my best friend, confidante, partner in crime, has been diagnosed with stage 4 pancreatic cancer..

I guess I was given a year or two of full bliss: love, happy parents, work, stability..then siempre, this.

Thing is you cant break down. Not at this stage. Crying and breakdowns are for the weak. I will cry when he is dead, or when he is in pain. For now, he requires my strength and he deserves it all...

I guess I am going to start blogging more frequently again, as I usually do when the fish hit the fan..

Tired thoughts on a Saturday

2009-10-24T02:39:00.000-07:00

I've been reading other people's posts today..yes, instead of working, mainly because I have overworked myself all week, til late hours, and now Saturday comes and i feel drained. Well, i felt drained yesterday (saying to honey in the car 'I want to go home' he said 'now?' I said 'No I mean HOME home..), so no wonder Saturday feels like hell. Also haven't been sleeping well because the air conditioner is on the blink and sounds like a rice milling machine.

I read on Ella's blog, about people who go to the US and live the american life..yeah, the work sleep work life..though, my sister Sue can veer a LITTLE out of this system, but she has meager savings, yet my sister tonette totally lives this system and has kick ass savings but has no life..My sisters didn't have it easy. Nette studied and worked at the same time, while pregnant..she is really one of those success stories, but she doesn't have time to live the life--for whatever reasons.

And here I am, living in the middle of nowhere (I don't mean Laos, as its very up and coming and give it a few more years, it will be more and more developed) but I mean on site, with no 7-11 in sight, no movie house and Tesco across the border..I live in a foreign country, yeah yeah, making good money, but I also have hmm 1 friend, not counting my hubby. And this friend I had to import myself!! Okay, I lie, Hubby's boss is also my friend, but..anyway.

I wish I had friends. You know..girl friends, people to do stuff with like pictionary, or scatterbrain or whatever that game is. People who call me and say what you doing? wanna come over for a few drinks? But perhaps its unrealistic to expect this, considering where I am.

I am soooooo hoping Vientiane has more to offer once we move. Pem seems to think so.

time to hit the road..its 5 p.m.

Action lists

2009-10-14T01:57:00.001-07:00

A few thinking points, some directly related to climate change, some indirectly..no apologies for the anger that you may think I feel in some of these items.

1. Throw garbage properly
2. Reuse, recycle, reduce!
3. Stop freaking feeding fish with rice and bread so that you can see all the cute fishies!! SHEESH!
4. Turn off the damn light when you leave the room.
5. Walk a little more, drive a little less
6. Carpool, its not so bad you know.
7. Eat less AMERICA! Talk about excess.
8. Help other people more
9. Stop whining about your life, be productive somehow. Even if it is to just make your own bed.
10. Lighten up, enjoy life more, enjoy your people more, appreciate it exactly how it is.

What can you do to make the world a better place?

Captain Planet

2009-10-14T01:34:00.000-07:00

You don't need to be a climate change specialist, or a scientist for that matter to know that the weather we are experiencing around the world is intensifying. Bigger floods, bigger devastation during earthquakes, larger land slides..

I am WELL aware that its cyclic...the problem is we are hastening the pace, we are modifying the normal cycle,...which is where the problem lies.

And yes, its easy to go all gloom and doom and say its climate change, but its a little more complicated and a little more related to you than that.

Why are 'riverside luxury apartments' so coveted? Ahh yeah, because of the river view. And the ocean front villa...why not invest in areas that are set back and leave the beaches and river fronts free of structures? So that when the floods arrive (which are natural in flood plains mind you) won't cause so much devastation.

Why do we construct buildings in earthquake prone areas that are not built for earthquake zones? Why do these buildings get approved? Ahh kase its only a 1 in 25 year event...so the odds are good..except when the earthquake happens..

Why live right in the valley, right at the edge of the mountain..ahh, because its the best area to cultivate, and then cut down the trees so that you can plant things, and then when the rain comes, the soil isn't stable and causes land slides...and we wonder why??

In Laos, in Manila, I still see people throw garbage in the streets, people throw garbage in the river/ocean..and we wonder why the sewers are clogged?

I know, I know, the governments also have responsibilities, but so do you. To use the aircon a little less, to turn your computer off when you aren't using it, to use your car less, to reuse and recycle.

I guess calamities are a wake up call. Nature is bringing attention to itself. Its time we paid attention.

Captain planet is a cartoon--need I state the obvious?

Climate change and I

2009-10-14T00:45:00.000-07:00

I'm having trouble coming up with a title for this one..I want to be encouraging, optimistic, but I can't seem to find the words.

I first came across the climate change concept in 1989 or 1990, I was hmm 13? It was the big time magazine article...and it changed my life. From then on, i was an advocate for reduced usage of natural resources, throwing garbage in the right place, reducing waste and energy efficiency..I wanted to be part of something that made the world a better place..

Its now 24 years later..and where am I with this crusade of mine?

I went into Marine Biology, focusing professionally on resource management. I was and will always be an activist NGO kid at heart..fighting for the rights of the animals and plants that can't speak...BUT I realized after a while, that there are some of us that can fight the demon from within. We have to be realistic..I realized that NGOs do many many great things, but its the big companies that do all the damage, that can get away with things..and I realized that I still need to make a living, and eat, and survive in this dog eat dog world..

I got into consulting, so that I could take on projects and make a difference in the projects that I do. One of my clients was a coal fire power plant..but they were doing their part, trying to maintain environmental standards, trying to do things the right way...I was advising companies to invest in sanctuaries and protected areas...

I am now involved in the most controversial hydropower project. Controversial for its impact on the communities, on the environment, and controversial because its the first hydropower project that the WB and ADB are backing in a realllllly long time. And for this, we have gone a bit overkill on the social and environmental measures that have been put into place, but still, people criticize and complain about our efforts.

I came to work here knowing the challenges..but my point on leaving my comfort zone was to push myself to the limit. To be a catalyst from within.

It has been said that the concerns about the environment are 'the worries of the rich', as the rich have the luxury to think past the basic water food and shelter necessities..in some ways this is true. Rich nations are quick to stipulate rules on usage of natural resources, casting a blind eye on what made them rich in the first place...What needs to happen is, as the girl who spoke in the UN meeting articulated, we need to work as one earth, one world, all in it together..

I love my job, as I am a cog in the wheel of change. I don't need to be a major piece of the puzzle, all I know is if I do my part, and if everyone does theirs too, then we'll all be doing our part in making the world a better, happier and peaceful place to live in..

Forget the 'hoax' or 'conspiracy theory' concepts...forget the economic perspective too..this is not a race, this is not a competition of who is strongest, who is biggest, the environment doesn't understand politics.. the logic of everything in moderation is really, the most intelligent thing I have ever heard of. If you drink too much, you get drunk, if you eat too much you get fat. Cause, and effect. Do we really need to wait until the effect is much worse than the current catastrophes we've had to live through to start living responsibly?

Have a think about how you live your life. Are you doing your part?

Timing V2

2009-07-25T01:52:00.000-07:00

Okay, I just uploaded old entries from other blogs, mainly to fill in the gaps in stories, to give the full feel of the dramas I created for myself in the time my sister was ill.

But this also gave me the opportunity to look back through a lot of things I have written.

First of all I'm hesitant to share this openly, because its quite raw..and maybe difficult to appreciate or relate to..and because its so raw, I might open myself to criticism. On the other hand, as I said in an earlier blog, maybe this angst is all for nothing, and no one reads what I have to write..but just as long as it helps anyone who reads it, then its good for me...

But back to timing for a second.

I'm revisiting that title, because its apt. I look back and think about everything that I went through, and even surprising is the way I anticipted change, and scientifically dissecting my emotions..what a weirdo. But timing because even how Pem fits into this all is perfect timing..as I may never have come to Laos, I may never have taken this job, and never had met him if the chips didn't fall the way they did,..

Not that the 'other story' that would have evolved wouldn't have been interesting (assuming you chose to do B and then it sends you to page 31 and NOT page 40..) but well, this is it, this is me, the here and now.

I re read my stuff and know that I am cynical. I know that I am rude about certain things and extremely passionate about others. I may have friends who think I am harsh in my criticisms of the world, the people..whatever..but well..this is who I am. And this is what I think.

Here goes nothing.

The time is now..

Ming. Out.

Compassionate anxiety

2009-07-24T21:25:00.000-07:00

I don't know if this is real, this compassionate anxiety, but maybe its like telekenesis in some ways, as one person can channel their anxiety to another, even from miles away.

I mean, I know how anxiety feels:
Feel dizzy-- CHECK
Nausea-- CHECK
Irrational thoughts of doom-- CHECK CHECK CHECK.

I have to say, during the time of my sister's illness I did not feel anxious. I felt responsible. I had to take the pole position and turn my emotion switch off. I had trouble turning it back on..but that is a different story altogether.

I DID feel anxious in the first stages of falling in love last 2007. Most likely because I was just coming from an emotional black hole and then shoved into a rainbow of feelings..its like alcohol or lsd for the first time..Even just the thought of Pem would make me feel like throwing up. I was constantly in a cold sweat and had thought of our potential relationship and its imminent failure in 2,328 ways. I don't believe that this is what one has to go through to know love in its truest sense..I just think it was just the time in my life.

But NOW, this is totally different.

I have a friend who is troubled. And this friend has found a way to channel compassionate anxiety my way..The irrational thoughts, the nausea, the dizzy spells..all CHECK! Sheesh..

But, honestly, I don't mind. If I can be an exit point of the stress, then fine..but I did tell my friend that they should tell me when they ARE anxious, so I can anticipate the jolt of emotion and NOT imagine that my life is on the edge and that the issues are mine.

Being a good friend means that sometimes, you need to take the shots.

Updates, news and whatever comes out of my head

2009-07-04T02:20:00.000-07:00

Well, I must share that I am now, 99.999% married. We just need to sign our names on the dotted line, which we will cheesily do on my birthday, the 28th. (note to self--but ticket home already!, oh and check out credit card bill)

Its quite an odd system they have here. Took us 6 months to get it all done, from documents from the DFA to our police interviews, medicals, and every government official having a look at our income (okay, mine only, as I am the foreigner).. and I am now imagining the police lady handing over our paper work to someone who is now applying for the same thing as a 'model to follow' like they did for us..yeah, I got handed over someone elses wedding papers (some guy who works for the UN--imagine) including his bank statements.. no sense of confidentiality at all..oh well.

Have had funny discussions with friends recently and some thoughts have come from this..

People don't really change, a**es from the past, will most likely still be a**es in the future. Unless they have some sort of life changing event, don't expect people to change drastically. A few small habits here and there, yeah, but a change? Suggest you be the one to change instead.

Drama is like a drug, something that should be avoided and/or outlawed.

On another note..

I am still hesitant to broadcast this blog, maybe because its too close to the heart, but is that so bad really? Well, lets see, soon.

soft opening

2009-06-19T19:35:00.000-07:00

I've had this for a few years now, and I again, think that I should be paying for this site, as it helped me recover to the state that I am in now..all happy and shiny, well about love that is, I'm so NOT happy and shiny about many other things--> the state of our nation, hunger around the world, environmental degradation...

but in any case, I am now, opening this blog to the world. I'm a little worried about the criticisms and crappy comments about my thoughts, worried that I may post some sort of racial slur accidentally (like I did yesterday on fb!) and get crucified for it (sheesh, isn't that another rude thing to say?)

But I have been encouraged by a few friends, that I write real, and I write raw. I'm not trying to gain popularity, and I have no affiliations with anyone. I love my friends and am not here to share their dirty secrets. We all have secrets. We are also all human, so be nice, okay?

I'm also trying to import my posts from friendster, but, I'm not too good at this, as tech savvy as I am, I can't download torrents.

My thought for today is:

The Philippines Sucks. It really does. Its time we all owned up to it. Our politics suck. The fact that we have millions of hungry people makes us suck. The fact that we are getting robbed blind by people in power makes us suck. The fact that our senate meets about videos instead of doing their work and we STILL watch it on TV makes us suck. We have a false sense of social with all of our swanky malls, our coffee shops and country clubs, but at the end of the day, we don't care about each other, about our nation, but we will happily complain about it.

When are the people in power going to answer for the problems they have caused? And when are we going to take responsibility for making our country the way it is because we have been apathetic?

hmph. not shiny and surely not happy.

Here it goes!

People and their power

2009-06-19T01:27:00.000-07:00

Our society has many problems. More ills than the days of Noli Me Tangere and the cancers described. In actual fact, those cancers have morphed into something even worse, faster growing and more deadly, and we don’t have Jose Rizal to write about it anymore. We do have some bloggers who have so much to share, but maybe it’s the acquired apathy of being screwed over for so long, or the hunger that others feel so they don’t have enough energy to focus on rallies and taking a stance or that there are too many blogs people get confused..I’m not really sure where the problem lies..

The situation is so complex now its hard to determine exactly who needs to act to get a serious uprising, a serious government willing to pave the way for us, and, from my green perspective, a serious citizen, willing to fight against environmental issues.

It has been proven over time, that one man can make a difference, that people who stand together can make a change. The question is, aren't you sick of how things are right now? And what you are you going to do about it?

Did you join the rally or was it just 'so init' you couldn't stand the heat? Do you sit in your car alone driving to work, happy about your 'quiet time', not even thinking twice about carpooling and utilizing resources a little better?

Tell me your stomach didnt turn when the senate took in the whole video scandal, with matching throwing of water on that idiot who got caught taping his girls. I couldn't even stomach watching the telenovela unfold, in real time, with the boy looking over his shoulder saying 'my life could be in danger, they could have people in here'..

I deserve a better government, one that stands for my rights, for my basic needs. You deserve a better government, one that is just and moral and with dignity. We all deserve a better country.

I am angry. You should be too. If there were a rally here in Laos, I would travel the 4 hrs to Vientiane to attend it, to show that I am sick and tired of this all.

With great power comes great responsibility, don't people get that anymore?

The here and now

2009-05-28T02:43:00.000-07:00

I started this blog with a lot of angst, a lot of which I have let go of by now (not all mind you, just a lot). It's now been a while (3 years?) since my last angsty entry, and 4 since changes happened.

I am now, good.

I have lost 50 pounds in total. I know, how did I let myself gain all that weight, but sometimes you don't notice, it just happens and then boom, you come out of your cloud and you see yourself in the mirror and you wonder what happened. I don't remember eating myself out of house and home. I don't remember overindulging.. but I do remember a LOT of alcohol and extreme snacking. The good thing is, I did it the legit way. Exercise and diet. I just changed gear and dug my heels in (against myself) and thought I want to be 130 lbs again. Okay, am still 10 off, but 140 is WAY closer than 190! As I have said to those bad bad people who said 'Ang taba mo!' (in a rude way, not in a Ming, lose weight please way), in my mind (and sometimes it came out of my mouth) 'At least weight I can lose, I doubt you will have luck losing your crappy attitude'

I am in love. Yes, surprisingly so. I think back to when I first left Manila, thinking 'Dein, I am safe and sound, no love prospect on site! Focus on work, 2 years then back home!'..fast forward to the now...all happy and shiny, ready to get married in January..Not so keen on the whole bride-wedding plans stuff though, Vegas sounds so appealing!

I still analyze myself too often. I still feel fear. I still get those moments that I know its safer not to extend myself to anyone, to avoid drama and pain..but that is not living, that is merely existing. And I am here to live.

So, in the next few months I am going to edit my posts (only slightly) for public viewing. If people read it and comment, good. If not, its also good..I don't mind really. This blog was opened to save my soul, to keep me sane, and that it did..so maybe it will help someone else out there..you never know..

ming. out.

Spring Cleaning

2009-04-08T01:42:00.000-07:00

I have been remiss. At first it was because I couldn't open my multiply..and then busy with work (still am), and life, well, it all just takes time! But, I've decided its time to get my act together..

Okay, first things first:

1. Wedding-- F$%K! I'm so behind schedule, I'm skitsing! ANNNND the venue I want is a bit hmm, not so used to holding weddings? The coordinator emailed me today and said (I quote with comments)

Dear Ms. Melody & Mr. Soukthavy,We are pleased to inform you that we can't offer you as your request in this time before you sign to confirm with us.(ooookkay pass that by me again? you are pleased to inform me??)

Because of the policy of our hotel, but after you sign to confirm, we will give you two food in our menu for your testing before your wedding one week. (so you expect me to sign the contract first, requiring 50% downpayment and THEN you will let me taste TWO things on the menu A WEEK before my wedding??)

And about the flower arrangement. We arrange as normal is not so nice, we will do on the reception table and food table also.( I responded that they should reduce their overall price if they thought their own flower arrangement substandard..don't give me your flowers!)

So, for those of you who know me well..you expect me to accept tasting the food A WEEK before? I would have broken out in hives by then! I emailed them back nicely saying lets meet this weekend to discuss and that I will need to test the food to sign on, no questions asked (though, a friend of mine says I wont even get to eat at the wedding--so EVEN MORE should we have the taste test!)

Everything is behind schedule..sheesh, the wedsite, the invite list (but this isn't scheduled to be sent to the printer til July)..okay yeah, I'm anal, I KNOW.

2. Work-- I have TWO hands and a procrastinating nature..I also have a threshold, once you give me work that OTHER PEOPLE ARE PAID TO DO, I get a leetttllllee annoyed and MORE procrastinaty. Even if two hands can juggle 10 balls, well, one is bound to fall and I DONT JUGGLE, I organize! hehehe. Okay, this aside I do enjoy my work, though I think I am on like a long hate list, as there are more and more people who are lazy, but I ride their butts to get it done..on the other hand there are those CREATIVE (read: people with initiative, sablay nga lang) and man, what a mess!

Well, am stressed right now, I have three documents (1 is 79 pages, 1 is about 50 and the other 30) that need to be finished by FRIDAY lunch. I need a miracle (okay, actually all I need coke and a quiet space that has no internet)

3. Love- My last entry about love was all sooo cheesy..and the update here is, we are still, queso as ever. I will write something about this on its own :) he he he.

Okay, thats it for now, I have a deadline and no WAY am I taking work on my holiday!

Manila here I come--YAY!!

Five years after the ICU

2009-03-27T01:36:00.000-07:00

For the past few days I've been thinking about making a post..what kind of update, do I talk about my lack of time to plan the wedding? Do I talk about how happy I am (booorrinngg), do I talk about my cutie dog?..I couldn't think, so I let it sit.

Last night in bed, I had trouble sleeping. Well, I normally have trouble, but last night was more than usual..but then, instead of trying to sleep I got to thinking for some reason about 5 years ago, March 2005.

Some memories are vivid, some are so hazy, not sure if that is intentional because the vivid ones INCLUDE the bad ones.

I remember the day I was called. Can't remember who called me na, was it Mel? Was it Daddy? I was on the supercat from Dumaguete to Cebu, it was just about to leave. 10 mins later and I wouldn't have gotten the call to make the flight home. I got to Cebu, I packed a back pack and jumped on the flight to Manila. I do remember that it was Mel who picked me up, and took me straight to Asian. I do remember that Marissa and I were 'fighting' again, but she called me after I left her a message of 'I wouldn't call you right now if it wasn't important'...I know that day changed the lives of at least 9 people, 10 including me.

I lived in Asian Hospital from November 27 to January 4. I think I left all of 3 days, for a maximum of 8 hours (including sleeping time)except for the day of Naomi's wedding. I do recall vividly that while in the ICU, I slept an average of 2 hours per day, and that I had a good friend there with me, doing exactly the same thing.

I knew the menu of the food of skyline catering by heart. I was checking her blood pressure every half an hour. I remember trying to alleviate the load of my parents..though I did this for two reasons, one of which was selfish..I couldn't handle it if I had two people ill, one was enough for now thanks. The other being I wanted to save my parents the pain of every small detail..which I think I did, and am glad I did...I remember taking the valium instead of giving it to my mother, and Nette taking the other one that the doctor gave for mommy too.

My life is not the chaos it used to be. If you had asked me then would I be in Laos working for the biggest Hydro project (multi purpose project) thats being touted as the 'project to follow' with regards to environmental and social safeguards in place..I would have laughed. I mean, hello, LAND LOCKED! If you had asked me then would I be getting married soon to someone not from home or from my circle, I would have surely scoffed at that too, because I would have never imagined to live so far from my friends, my people..

I was lucky though, because I tackled my life issues as if it were a scientific experiment, something that starts with a hypothesis, a set of parameters and a problem that just needed the right formula to be solved.

I would never wish that someone go through what I went through. And no, I'm not trying to over sensationalize my feelings, as if its all about *me*..it's not. It was about all of us.

And though my life may no longer be in chaos, I still have those moments in bed thinking about that time, and it really has scarred me for life. I still feel the pain in my chest when I think too hard, and still feel tears when I picture things in my head.

It's my sister's birthday in a week. It's been five years since all hell broke loose in our house, and it may not be back to normal, but I can't say I am not proud of my sister who now works, who had a life schedule, who gets stuff done. I can't say I haven't been critical, especially since I feel as if I have lost out the most (my perspective)..I can't say that I don't expect more from her just BECAUSE she is my sister, the daughter of my father. We are products of hard working earnest people, so I do have high expectations of her and myself. We are not half assed, we are do or don't. Perhaps the time will come when I will accept that its not 'we' its 'me'..but I am not there yet.

But for now, its time for a cease fire, as we are going to celebrate life and love and survival. We have survived. We have risen from the ashes stronger, more determined, more real and tangible..happy birthday Sparks!

This is my life. With all its dramas, all its cliff hangers, all its dull moments, everything.. I appreciate my life and the people I share it with. And that includes you. so thank you, for being there, either in thought, action or truancy. I am okay because of you.

An old friend

2008-08-25T02:22:00.000-07:00

I don't know if I ever got to thank him. Maybe he thinks that I didn't appreciate all the time and attention he gave me when I needed a friend, I surely hope he does because without him, I could have easily imploded and not chosen the path that I have and things could be different now.

I am hesitant by nature. I am, analysis paralysis. I have issues, from the past and the present, and well, I know this clouds judgement.

At the time when I was still thinking 'will I or won't I' I re-connected with a friend of mine from grade school/middle school--Dana.

He walked me through my dramas, and emotions and well, everything actually, and in the end, I came out a little more clear headed, a little more determined and a little less afraid..

Some days, you just need to thank your lucky stars for friends like these..because they are one in a million.

And everyone needs a friend like this in their lives.

Thanks Dana, I'm not lying when I say you are a life saver.

Haiku

2008-07-17T01:35:00.000-07:00

Red orange yellow
The sun shines brightly on you
Hope springs eternal

this haiku of mine is somewhat representative of everyday these days.. Don't get me wrong..am still dark, broody, cynical yet optimistic ming...but well, hehehe, yeah.

Today is the first day of Buddhist lent. I did catholic lent, ash wednesday to sacrificing 6 things for 40 days...though sorry mommy, didn't do the passion and the visita iglesia., and now its Buddhist lent, which runs for 3 months, and again, I decided to give up a few things to gain more clarity.

I'm feeling a little tired, possibly from my crazy weekend. I went home for mommy's surgery, which went well, but sleeping in the chair at Makati Med for 3 nights (4 days-- parang hotel booking) is surely no club med experience...but the lack of sleep was fine as I got to hang with my bro, my cousins, my parents...see my crappy dogs who are really, so cute..and see some friends..thanks for visiting me at the hospital you guys. In the 4 days I was home, I saw my room and my house all of 5 hours I think..but its alright..at least I got mommy in and out of the hospital, safe and sound.

As I got out the car at the NAIA terminal, I felt a kick ass pang of homesickness..I looked back and daddy was waving at me from the car, and I wanted to cry...because I miss my people so much. I am soooo looking forward to christmas.

Back to my haiku. I read a blog today, Zharine's, and you know, its been 15 years since high school graduation..does time fly or what? But i have no regrets...life brings you challenges and blessings, and its what you make out of it that counts..so live every day like its a new day bearing in mind that you should hold yourself accountable for all your actions and reactions.

So, if I can ask all my friends/family who read this entry of mine, to give a little love and kindness, to someone, to anyone..give someone you care about a hug, a real one that says you are really here, or help someone in need...and (but ofcourse) show some kindness to the world that we live in, throw your garbage properly or advise someone else to do the same..or turn lights off when you leave a space...

hugs from here :)

Common denominators

2008-02-14T01:33:00.000-08:00

We learned about common denominators in maths, a very long time ago..and back then, from memory, I was in the 'slow at maths' section since I hated numbers (and still somewhat do), with Mrs. Nutter (whom I saw on Oprah a few years back, can't remember what she was doing on Oprah though!)..but you know..if only they taught us about common denominators differently, I might have gotten it..and am going to make a laughable attempt now.

Common denominators are necessary to relate one item to another. Like apples and oranges. They are different, but they have a few common denominators. They are both fruit, and you can count them (depending on how many there are of each) and though there are differences, you can say you have 5 pieces of fruit, no need to know if they are apples or oranges.

Friendships have common denominators too, like you are all crazy, or all spoiled little f#$%s, or all girls, or all football players.. I have a common denominator base with all the people in my life.

So, as I now move into a new box called 'ming in a relationship' with all new subfolders and new chances to colour code shit, its nice to know two of our common denominators:
1. We are both extremely serious people
2. We are both extremely fun people

How these two are antonyms and still be present in one, and be found in two..how cute.

We have more ofcourse but no need for those details right now..
Ha ha ha, ofcourse I am being cheesy, I'm in love!

Preparations

2008-02-01T01:44:00.000-08:00

I am usually prepared, but sometimes, you can catch me unaware, and somehow those things that catch me unaware can kinda take my breath away.

Today, I was made to realize (which is different from comprehend) that I may be a marine biologist, but there is a high probability that I will never practice that skill as a professional again. That is, unless, right now, right this month, I cut and run and go academe, go full on research or go do my PhD.

It's been my dream to do all that, and i have, I did, I was happy, it was great,...I love the sea, i love reasearch...I didn't even WANT to deal with people, I wanted to be a lab person, dealing with pipettes and beakers and samples and theories..
But somehow, my world was directed towards resource management and project management, still with the environment but not so marine.

I always used to say that you would be lucky to get paid to do what you love, and if you don't get to do what you love, do it when you can, like weekends and holidays, because this is what keeps the spark.

But I can't seriously complain can I..I am still in the same storm, just on a different side, just with different challenges and issues, but still, its a job with passion and a job with consequences..its important, not just to me, or the corporation, or the government, but for the people that I make decisions for..like livelihood plans and information dissemination. People's lives depend on decisions that I am involved in making..and I can't sniff at that..

Some idiot said recently that I kiss corporate ass...me? of all people..if you only knew! I'm so anti corporation, so pro development and capacity building, am so anti commerce, its crazy to be accused of something I am not..but I believe I have learned how to deal with criticism with grace now, not so hot headed (was I ever?) and not too passionate that I am labeled a tree hugger or a fish kisser..Im more realistic, more goal oriented, that you have to be strategic to get to your goals...just as long as you get to them...

So yeah, I wasn't prepared for this realization today. My boss/co-worker said today 'trust me, its true, you will never work as a researcher for marine science now, you are more than that and you have a new direction, I am an engineer and I had to face that I will never design a bridge ever again"-- I was caught unaware with this thought, and I thought I was prepared for most things these days..

Life never ceases to surprise me.

But I am stubborn and optimistic. I know me. I could still work in my chosen field...the question is, do I want to just because its what I want to do, or do I follow where my career seems to think I am needed?

ON TOP of this, I surely wasn't prepared to fall in love, but like l said, life never ceases to surprise me,...

High School Love

2008-01-22T01:46:00.000-08:00

This blog is of limited circulation, because at the moment I am using it more as a platform to share how I actually feel about something, and I don't have (you) my friends here to give me their comments, to make fun of me, or give me advice and all that...so, your comments and jokes are totally welcome as I need to feel like I have you to talk to this about here, as I go through this daily..(especially your jokes, I could certainly use some levity in this situation!)

I haven't fallen out of love with my ipod, but I would be lying if I didn't say my attention has refocused somewhat, elsewhere..

No, I'm not here to blog about who he is and why I like him. I want to focus on this high school feeling that can be good in some ways, but seriously suck in others.
I feel like I am having an asthma attack and ill in general...

Shortness of breath? CHECK
Light headed-ness? CHECK
Lack of concentration? CHECK
Loss of appetite? CHECK
Lack of sleep? (super) CHECK
Nauseous? CHECK

It sucks double because I am usually so logical, so in control, so restrictive about my emotions..and I feel so unsure about how to react, how to converse...its seriously driving me crazy!

But I can't dispute that sometimes, this also feels good..because I am finally (?) ready to relate to someone new and its good to feel :)
Alright alright, it feels good okay? I feel like a kid, not knowing what to do, what to say.

Yesterday, on our way back to GML, he offered me an apple. There were 4 of us, and he came up to me and said, would you like an apple?

Such a simple question, where, if anyone else said it to me, would not make me feel queasy and light headed..

Why does this feel so high school!

Friction

2007-11-19T01:48:00.000-08:00

Things change every day. how many times have we been told in this life that the only thing in life that is constant, is change (well, and death and taxes or something)...

Friction and drama only occurs when you resist change, when you can't let it flow like water off a duck's back..

I was discussing plans with a friend of mine today and the 'ming not having a plan' was something he thought alien, since I always have a plan (well, I do, a general one, not a specific action plan for now..ha ha ha) and he said

'I think people who don't make plans live happier lives'

I disagreed. It's only the anal plans that are too rigid and the people who make these plans that get bent out of shape when things don't go 'according to plan' that have issues, that aren't too happy.

So I said

"hmmm, I don't think so. I think somewhat planned is good, just as long as you are happy with the general plan, and if you don't get all anal when plans change...changing plans are okay, its resisting the change that causes all the drama"

I'm happy. Happier than I have been in 4 years. M said today that I am more relaxed than when I first arrived, i seem more centered, more happy. I am. It wasn't the leaving home or being sick and tired of being home that I needed to get away from. It was the needing quiet time, me time, reflection time..its like going to YE in high school, for that weekend to reflect upon your life..but this one, I had to actually work at the same time (because life doesn't stop when tragedy strikes), but its alright..I had the me time...so now, I'm all good.

Sooo, to you out there, who may be plan free, or over planned, or anally planned. This one's for you.

Life is short, and unless you are Buddhist, you only get one go. Make plans to inspire you, use plans and goals to drive you, but never let them rule your life, and change strategies when you have to..

I'm fulfilled by doing my part in life, how about you?

Timing

2007-11-04T01:50:00.000-07:00

You have to admit..that sometimes, timing can be everything.

I learned a few years back, that you need to have a few things aligned to create a window of opportunity. This works both for work and for life in general.

Many years ago (vague obviously for a reason) I met this guy. I was in a slightly complicated stage in my life (well, more confused than complicated). He, on the other hand, was in a MORE complicated/confused state. A recipe for disaster.

The thing is it was all good.. Good friends, good times, good vibes, good laughs....
I have to say that if we were in a more lucid state, we would have either recognized the state of it all and maintained the friendship only, or taken it to a more steady level..but as timing had it..after all the dust settled, we had nothing, just a chasm and 'common' friends.

Within the past X years, we've seen each other here and there, exchanging quick hellos to keep up appearances, but anyone who knew us, must have noticed the change in status..and I have to say I felt the difference, and I would imagine he would have too. I'm sure he must have felt the fact that one of his best friends became mine too, possibly from his point of view, replacing him..but that wasn't the case.

I'm thankful that I met one through the other, but one surely doesn't equal the other...

I was angry for a time..because I felt jipped out of my friendship but after x years (and heavy discussions with significant others) i was already at the stage where I thought it was time to mend fences..but the opportunity wasn't there, and the timing was never right.

Life has been chaotic for the past few years..but things had started to settle again, and I was somewhat out of my 'cloud'

And so, recently, a window of opportunity presented itself, and it seemed, for both of us, the timing was right.

When I first got there I was wondering if we'd be able to sort things out this time round..I was there, he was there, with our friends. We said hello and I *think* he gave me a hug...We had dinner, we hit the town and went to some funky bars then we all had breakfast together. A few days later we also all had lunch, and what I thought might have been a one day fluke, wasn't. I figured, yeah, maybe we were okay again.

What really hit home with me was when he (and ofcourse his/my best friend) came over the night before I left (or was it two nights before?)..which was signature him, since the last time we were 'friends' he stayed til the sun came up, half asleep, talking and laughing.

At long last, we were friends again.

We didn't really talk about this until last week, when he saw me on ym, and said something about putting me in his little black book (he was asking for my details) and i said that I had already made it into that book..didn't I?

He asked if I had regrets, and I said no. Regrets about what? Us being friends? not at all. About the good steady friendship that we had? No way. About all the other things that complicated the already complicated situation? No.

Life is all about living and I have no regrets. He was (is) the best of friends...he would drive hours to come get me, and drive hours back to take me home. Everything was funny and he is one of the sweetest guys I have ever met in my life...
He apologized profusely, and I told him that there is nothing to say sorry about anymore...

You know how they say that time heals all wounds? It's not true. Though time is a factor, there are many other factors that you need to put in place to create your own window of opportunity...and forgiving yourself is one of those things as is forgiving other people.

We are only human.

And knowing all these things, talking about it to settle the issues and regaining my center?

Well, somehow, all that happened last week, and that, my friends, is timing.

Instead of timing, I give you 'sayad'

2007-11-01T01:09:00.000-07:00

how annoying.

I wrote this expressive blog, about how timing can make such a difference..and it didn't save..grrr.

But see, I still want to share the kwento..I need to gather my thoughts again on that, so for now..you'll get 'sayad'

We get exposed to sooo many things in this life. So many people, so many influences, so many situations. The difference between being juvenile and mature is how you handle the different situations. I don't talk about being young and old..i'm talking about melodrama and sayad, I'm talking about knowing when you are moody and being selective on who sees it. I'm talking about causing drama and deciding that you don't want to be involved in the drama.

Now, in Laos, just like anywhere in rural Asia, women *need* to get married early, and ofcourse, the token single foreign boy is the best way 'out'. Sometimes its amusing, to see girls flirt and try to be coy. Just as long as I don't get pulled into anything, I don't mind. But when you single me out and then try to use psychological foolishness to get to the boy I live with..dude..I'm pinoy man, we can smell home made drama a mile away!

Not only did this girl want to meet and catch up with me--which was fine--instead of being actually shy about asking about him, or being direct..she went all funky drama weirdo on me. The last girl that seemed this dramatic was the sister of one of my neighbors)

Then, I had to have dinner with her too..this was kinda my fault. M and I had tentative plans to try out this nice Thai restaurant, but I messed it up and it ended up us three..which actually was fine with me..but dude..she acted even weirder. As in, when he would ask a question, she would go all telenovela and glance left and right and fidget and then just look at me. Then Marcel and I were talking about reading, and he asked her if she reads books about Laos, because he likes to, and she said 'why would i read books about Laos, Ming do you read books about the Philippines?'..I just said 'Uhh, don't use me as your gauge, I read everything'.. Marcel dropped me at my guesthouse, and we talked about how odd she was..and then later on she called me asking if 'she was acting strange' (which, we already established by this stage) and I said 'yeah' and she said something like 'oh, well, marcel makes me act strange, his presence alone makes me act strange' and I thought 'puta, this girl is reallly strange!' (and manipulative)

Next day M and I met with my lao best friend, who told us all the weird stuff this girl does at the office, and how seriously manipulative she is..and M said that she called him last night and she shared how 'He flustered her and his mere presence astounded her'--seriously now.. so I told him she called me too..and that just made the whole thing seem foolish. (he thought he was like the hottest thing since sliced cheese)

I can't really go into detail about how weird she was, but suffice to say, I know weird when I see weird, and mannnnn, this girl..sayad talaga.

The sad thing is, what makes her this way? Why is she manipulative and why does she thrive on drama? The good thing is, I am mature enough to know that a)its not my problem and b)i should avoid her at all costs.

*sayad, in tagalog means to grate or brush against something, usually the ground. like if your skirt brushes against the ground, it's 'making' sayad. In this context, its your brain that hits the ground, therefore you are slightly off center, at 50% or a fruit loop.

The deadly sins

2007-10-16T01:28:00.000-07:00

I watched a movie over the weekend..blood diamond.

Have you seen this? I have actually put off watching it because I wasn't in the right frame of mind last week to watch a potentially serious movie (since I didn't really know what it was about, other than the conflict diamond twist)..but when I did see it..shucks, I know I am already an activist..but man, this cause demands some attention.

Now I would encourage my friends to watch this movie, because it should change your point of view regarding that ring you plan to buy for your fiance, or the ring that you aim to get from your fiance, or that gorgeous tennis bracelet/pair of earrings that you have always had your eye on..waiting for the day that you can 'buy it for yourself'

I admit, I am one of these girls..no, not the OTT ring from the spouse to be, but the I want to buy something nice for myself when I can afford it..it was a toss up between a tennis bracelet and a watch..but at least now if I get myself the bracelet, i know to ask my jeweler the right questions to make sure I am not playing a part in the conflict in other parts of the world.

Anyway, this movie seriously hit a nerve with me..because we imagine that we live in 'peacetime' as compared to world war status, but really, there are sooo many countries in conflict..the worst ones taking on child soldiers, ripping them from their families, drugging them and making them do the worst things..this is a crime..we are bad enough as a world letting children go hungry, child prostitution, pedophilia..and even worse is that parents themselves can be the bad role models that create weird people who have children too..its a vicious cycle....its just too sad.

I like to think that I am jaded, and cynical..hardened by the harsh things I have seen in this world. I've met people who are not good. People that hurt other people intentionally, people who manipulate situations, people who take advantage of other people..but I guess I should be glad that I haven't been exposed to extreme atrocities directly...but you know..at the end of the day, I feel naive at times..i ask stupid questions like 'why are people so greedy' or 'why are people so envious of others', like I seriously cannot understand it..and so I asked M last night, are these emotions (greed, envy, anger..etc-- in relation to the deadly sins) natural or are they brought about by social pressures/situations? and he said, all emotions are natural but some are emphasized as the child grows up..some naturally, some not..some brought about by experiences, some by how you see other people deal with or react to certain things..What makes someone greedy? What makes someone abuse power? (shucks, I just thought of politicians there for a sec, but I won't go into that)

Two babies are sitting in one cot, you pick one up..the other one left in the cot cries. Is this envy? I guess it is at some basic level..They are not envious of the other child, they just want to be carried too..what happens though is some adult will say 'ha ha child, you are not as wanted as the other child', some foolish person directs the envy towards another human being.. I know its not this simple, but it could be..which is just..sad.

Yeah, I know, this is a rambling blog with a lot of unhappy things..but I would like to imagine that there are more people who care than don't.

Ming logic at 24 years old

2007-10-12T01:26:00.000-07:00

A long time ago, well considering Caeci is now what, 24 (which is what I was at the time when I wrote it), I thought 17 was a good time in a girl's life to know a little more about what to do when things get tricky...that you had to be a bit girl guide/scout-ish..always be prepared.

I mean, I reflected at the time to when *I* was 17, and the foolish things I did then, and the things she would be exposed to..and i figured, forewarned is fore armed, or something like that (dunno about the spelling tho!) It worked for me, hopefully it worked for her too..You can't tell me at one stage in your life (or even now) that these wouldn't apply!

Few pointers from ta ming when I was 17.
1. Always trust instinct
2. Do not trust instinct when drunk or tipsy
3. Always say No unless ready.
4. Think 30 times before doing something DooBy!
5. DON'T get caught!
6. Strive to be good for yourself.
7. Always Love Tita Ming
8. If it feels uncomfy, get out of the situation ASAP
9. Always include the element of risk, but always apply rule 4 and 5
10. NO to anorexia, bulimia and rehab/detox
11. Always keep coins to call home
12. If he breaks up with you who cares......gorgeous paren!
13. Respect is earned
14. Be fair always and Dont litter!
15. **ommitted because it won't make sense to anyone :) **
16. At times of depression draw strength from those who love you
17. Drink responsibly, drive safely, buckle up, and smile, baka the guy in the other car is a cutie

Trust issues

2007-10-10T01:31:00.000-07:00

I knew I had trust issues, though you know, you would never imagine that I did with the way I talk, and talk so freely about anything that happens to me..

But yes, like everybody, there is some information about me that reach only those who are either 1)are in my circle of trust 2)need the information/interested in the information 3)someone who has incurred my wrath, and gets a LOT of information he he he..

You may think or it may seem that I am hard to hurt. Like I have this stoic attitude about things, that I can 'logic' anything to death and that I'm such a bitch, in all likelihood, whatever you say won't hurt me.

In some ways, yes, that is true. Especially for those whose opinions don't mean anything to me.

But sometimes, I am foolish enough to leave space for mistakes.

The good thingfrom this experience is, I feel. I appreciate the fact that I am feeling again.

The bad thing is, though the lie was small, minuscule in fact, my general trust issues are in the way and I feel as if I can't trust this person anymore. I know, unforgiving, but the deceit is still fresh (I know, deceit is a strong word, but it matches how I feel).

I have trust issues because of things that have happened to me in the past few years of my life. You take people's word for it. That they will change, that they will try better. You think people are sincere enough, like yourself to follow through, for the greater good, for the people they love...but they fall short of your expectations. And yes, I know, I have learned to expect less. Not to lower my expectations, but just reduce the value of the expectation. Rude, yes, internal mitigation measures that work sometimes need to be.

But again, am getting a better view of why I am reluctant to really let any potential significant other in..

Obsessed to the Nth degree

2007-09-06T01:25:00.000-07:00

I'm obsessed, i know it, you know it.. Ha ha ha..so here is my horoscope..which I try not to believe really, but man, today, its soooooooo spot on.

The receptive Cancer Moon reflects the depth of our feelings today and we may be at the bottom of a well without any way to get out. Paradoxically, it is our fear that prevents us from climbing out. Sensitivity is a gift, but it can also tempt us to hide in the safety of our inner world. Sweet Venus, nearing the end of her retrograde phase, holds an irritating quincunx with erratic Uranus, so sudden flashes of desire can shock us into motion.

Damn. Like I said to Caeci, in my ever what the hell fashion,

'The breakthrough is I seriously feel. Na somewhat vulnerable or the opening for vulnerability and what do I do with that? Do I just slink back and tightly shut the operculum or come out and risk some hermit crab coming in to separate me from my shell?'

Yuck. Ha ha ha ha..if you can't laugh at yourself, someone else surely will!

Ming updates week 10

2007-09-05T01:23:00.000-07:00

I've been here for 10 weeks now, and I sent out an update to some people and thought to post it here.

To you who may have wanted to know more about the project I work on, especially since when I am asked how many megawatts or whatever this project generates and I can't answer..well, here it is :) (ay, not attaching it, if you want it, email me)..or check out www.namtheun2.com

All I know is I am loving it here, smog free, starbucks free and the third s, stress free (well, not really, but yeah, as stress free as its gonna get)..(and I don't need starbucks, we have an espresso machine in the office)

Just some updates on me...

1. Yes, i am still single....don't listen to the rumours..ha ha ha
2. Yes, I went to Phuket last week to meet up with some family and it was good,
3. Yes, I have lost weight (ha ha ha) considering all I can eat is rice and cucumber (well, some egg here and there, meat at times, and pasta when I make it or when I go to vientiane)..but not much yet..oh well.
4. No, I haven't finally decided if I am staying on or not, nor have I been made a solid offer, though my boss did say that they will work on my employment contract next month. I am still thinking about doing my PhD.
5. No I haven't gone seriously shopping yet (he he he)
6. Yes, I really do live with 5 boys, two of which are my bosses and they aren't there all the time. Only two of us really reside there (me and Marcel, he's dutch), the others come once in a while. I'm fine, promise.
7. And yes, I am surviving, quite well actually. Loving the work, loving the environment (I see nearly 180 degrees of sky, the rest is limestone mountains and paddy fields). I saw the sea for a few days (Andaman added to my list of seen seas now!) so I am set for a bit on ocean exposure needs.

Other than this, nothing much has changed. Email when you can, visit when you can..and bring food when you do, ha ha ha. oh and pens and pencils!

Hugs and love :)

Ming

Rock Ed- No more excuses

2007-07-25T04:31:00.000-07:00

I'm part of a group called Rock-Ed, and instead of me trying to explain what it is we do and what we stand for, let me direct you to Gang's page because she explains it perfectly.

http://gangbadoy.multiply.com/journal/item/3/Parang_Pitong_Libong_Isla

but usual ming style, I still have something to say..

In one way or another, we are all sick and tired of the status quo, sick and tired of the potholes in the road, and sick and f*cking tired of people that get away with stealing, lying and all the other bad things we shouldn't let them get away with....

But you know, we are still lucky, because we have the luxury to complain without actually feeling the hardship and life that millions of other people feel. We complain in the comfort of our airconditioned car or sitting around Starbucks, drinking our hot coffees and fraps..I'm not ridiculing you, because I complain in this comfort state too, but as you can see in my blogs and when you talk to me, I've made my choice, and that is to make no more excuses and to act and move somehow to make poverty history. I do this through environmental advocacy, through environmental awareness campaigns and by telling my friends everything I can about conservation. (and also thru futkal! support futkal!)

Now the choice is yours..in this time of environmental change (for the worse!), political turmoil, developed, developing and less developed country categories (how fucking politically correct is that!??)..

we are no longer homo sapiens, we are now homo economicus, homo urbanicus (or something, read this somewhere, economist ata)..we have evolved, but have we evolved for the better?
Again, the choice is yours, what are you going to do to help change the world?

Vientiane Revisited

2007-07-21T06:10:00.000-07:00

About six months ago, or less, I went to Vientiane.

I was there for business, not really up to meeting anyone new, but I did and me meeting him reminded me that life is too short not to be passionate about life and that there are good guys out there..somewhere.

And now, its my second visit. I was a little hesitant, knowing that the last time I was here I met that Tyler.. But you know..I was hesitant because I didn't want to change the good vibes I got from that night, change it with new ones..i just thought it would be unfair to the memory..

But I had to, to get my passport, to get my cheque, to take a break, to do some seriously seriously needed shopping.

I had intended to have a quiet night, not meet people..not be an extrovert..hay..plans change!

I met this guy (who thought he was killer hot, as in. Well, in fairness, he kinda was..but yuh, his teeth were medjo too european for me..(basta, if you know what i mean, YOu KNOW what I mean!) but he was nice...medjo pa feeling pero k lang..but as I ate there at the Scandanavian Bakery, he made pa eye contact eye contact, and I gave in and talked to him..which is good because 3 other people, two girls and one boy, introduced themselves to us, and that, is how you make, a random group of foreigners.

We had dinner together, we talked about ourselves..we did the whole introducing thing during dinner, telling each other things that you wouldn't even tell some friends (I mean not close friends ah, as in friends friends) and these are strangers!
But you know, I had fun.. On day 2 Bec, Dominik and I, we went shopping together, we went clubbing together the night before, and then we had dinner together! We had steak and chips..yum.

On day 3 I played football with Dominik (Austrian) and Tommy (Israeli) and had dinner at Marcel's because they were having a housewarming.

I got my first dose of cultural differences that night..as I sat down next to these two girls that I got introduced to earlier, these two other said something in lao and then they all giggled (ahh women) and so I said, sorry what?
She said "Tai said us three sit together is a good thing, we all the same, we all fat"
and I said "WHAT?" (keep in mind, I have just met ALL these people 20 mins earlier)
and she said "Fat, you know, chubby"

Okay, yes, I am not slim, not thin, not svelte and no, I will never be thai/lao thin. But talk about cultural difference, NEVER will you have a stranger (unless drunk or demented) in Manila to say "hang out with them y'all match, y'all fat!"

Luckily I am still emotionally off..i asked marcel later on and he said yeah, they don't have that sensitivity issue with weight here..

But yeah, Vientiane ver 2.0 didn't go so badly.

Marcel picked me up on his motorbike (little does he know this scares the f*&^ out of me) and took me to the party and I got to hang out and meet new people...i loved it :)

Oh, and I got to shop. I was having shoppers anxiety na not being able to shop for 3 weeks...

ttfn!

Emergency Happy Thoughts (EHT strategy paper)

2007-07-16T00:04:00.000-07:00

The only, I will use the word problem, but its not really a problem..anyway..The only problem with going away and finding some peace for your soul and for your mind to defrag* is that you also have a lot time to think and evaluate your life. Well, then again, that is the point. The way to defrag is to sift through thoughts and experiences and organize them into little box folders in your brain, methodically punching holes and placing the pages in ring binders, putting headers like ‘don’t do THAT again’ or ‘Emergency Happy Thoughts’ on the outside for easy referencing.

Okay, yeah yeah I know..this isn’t how its done, but I like to think that this is the way my mind does it (because I am so OC when it comes to notes and periodicals)..

Anyway…

My day is full, every day. I wake at 6:40 which is no easy feat for me and am ready by 7:05 every day. I ride down the escarpment to my office, the beautiful morning ride takes about half an hour. On the way down while watching the scenery which differs daily (more mist, less mist, more green, less green, more blue sky today, dark moody sky tomorrow) while talking to Marcel on whatever the topic of the morning is (today it was about diving and holidays). Eat breakfast at the office and start work at 8. Work til 12 (with some surfing breaks, obviously), lunch at 12 either at RNT, the French camp, or here at the office with the local staff. (ahh, the food, yet another blog entry waiting to happen), then lunch break for half an hour of sitting around chatting and checking email. I should end work at 5 but I usually work til about 5:30, or whenever Marcel asks if I am ready to go and play badminton. We play badminton until I see the futsal people show up and then I ditch Marcel to go play futsal with boys who are now finally accepting me as a boy (I now get shoved and kicked in the shins like any other player), then go back to Marcel to have a last round of badminton. Then we end this all around 8 or so, then dinner, either at the EM-1 camp, RNT or the Vietnam Road down here in Gnommalath. Or sometimes we go up a little early, back to Nakai and get dropped off at the Environment complex to eat with the other E&S staff, then walk back to our camp..half an hour walk. Again, walking, not one of my finer qualities!

So yeah, full full day from waking to bedtime..but you know, its killer stress free. My main issue yesterday is if I could buy yoghurt and if it would keep long enough before I get it to my fridge! So, this means that I have some pockets of time to think and my stress free mind is defragging continuously.

Which takes me back to my problem of evaluation. (see, the word issue doesn’t fit either..I guess I could call it a thing)…back to my thing about evaluation..

The normal questions ofcourse are:
How am I? What am I doing? Is everything alright? What else do I have to do? Do I have a good plan? Am I flexible enough? How do I treat the people around me? Am I a good person?

Then ofcourse, with the extra space from the lack of stress you also think:
Where am I now in my life, is this where I want to be?
Why things do happen to you when they do and what is the best way of handling things?
Have I handled things that have happened to me in the best way possible?
What do I like or not like about myself?
Are you really alright?

You see where I am going with this yeah? I mean, I am not one to avoid confrontation, especially when it’s the healthy sort, but it can still be daunting and overwhelming!

The hardest part is you are looking at all of this in the harsh light of self evaluation, the most critical critic, the most difficult person to please, yourself.

And this is where that grain of salt (or sugar) should come in (that comes out of your ‘Emergency Happy Thoughts” box)

I have a great family who are supportive and real. I have extremely supportive parents (somewhat overprotective, but such is life) and my immediate family (neices, nephews, cousins and siblings) are not only family, but also my friends.

I have many friends and I have a good diverse set of really good friends and I have my handful of people I would trust my life with, the circle of trust.

I have a good fulfilling job that helps me help the world (Go PLANET!) and lets me afford my lifestyle (eek!)

I’m nearly at the stage where I can say I am reasonably happy with how I look, no matter how many times you compare me against Naomi (ha ha ha, the poor nurse Nomes!)

I may be single, but life is good and if the right person who loves me comes, then he will. And if he doesn’t, well, I’ll just have kids :P

I’m a decent person who can be too nice, but then again, I can be quite a bitch, healthy combination.

Hmmm. I think I have just cheered myself up.

I guess the moral of the story is, you should know (normally) that your worst critic is yourself and that life is too short to be that harsh on yourself… live life responsibly, love life with passion and have a drink to celebrate!

*defrag- defragment: computer term that sorts through your files and reorganizes them and takes a look at the bad sectors and then reports back to you the status

Choices we have, choices we make

2007-07-06T00:06:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I met someone who used to make less than ten dollars a month. He worked for a hotel in Vientiane where he made 60,000 kip per month, half of which he spent on English lessons so that he could get better jobs.

He may be making more money now, now that he works for the NTPC project as a driver..hopefully a lot more but I wasn’t willing to ask him how much he makes now because then he might ask me how much I make and that would just be embarrassing.

See that? He spent HALF his meager earnings on his plan to make life better. He didn’t just sit at home and hope for the best. He didn’t rely on someone else to fix it for him.

This thought just brought me back to people (I know) who choose to do nothing when there are people in the world who have no choice.

Yesterday also I bought some groceries (some juice, three eggs, dishwashing liquid, tuna, onions and a few other things) and it cost me 200,000 kip. (exchange rate is 1 USD to 9300 kip) I spent 20 dollars. He makes less than half of what I spent in 20 mins in ONE MONTH.

This is not a sermon or a litany on the haves and have nots. I’m not saying feel guilty about the good things we have in life. I too, buy expensive shoes, jeans and whatever else that I spend my money on, but I work hard for it, like most people do.

But what you should do is be grateful and thankful for the blessings, and when you can, give back. It doesn’t have to be money, it can be old clothes, it can be food, or even just your time.

The half way point of the Millennium Development Goals is today, July 7, 2007. Read

Professor Pedro Alviola III, 1948-2007

2007-05-25T06:10:00.000-07:00

I'm not good with death.

I mean, I'm good in the sense that I seriously believe that there is a God and if you have faith and repent and all that, you will go to heaven, but I have a bad case of separation anxiety.

I have this specialist consultant, his name is Pete Alviola. We call him Prof, Prof A, Sir Pete and Prof Alviola. We always crack jokes that he could name that bird in one squawk because he is one hell of a terrestrial biologist. I'm absolutely serious. He knows things just looking at the nest! One time, he just looked up, raised an ear and named the bird, giving off his text book line up of habitat, feeding regime, reproductive habits and basic identification features! He also does flora, and can rattle off tree names, species, usual diseases of the trees, usual healing qualities of the bark or leaves...man this guy is unbelieveable.

I went to Brunei with him for my first project here in Halcrow. I was team leader, manager, trip organizer, lunch payer, driver, hotel peace keeper..my room was the meeting room, beer room and eating room. I bonded with my consultants because we were there for 14 days doing an EIA.

One day I had only one car and had to drop people off here and there and find a boat to rent for oceanography (without using myself as partial payment, much to Sir K's discussion with the Brunei man's dismay)..and I had to leave Sir Pete out in the woods with only a bottle of water..the dialogue went like this:
MFO: SIr, I have to leave you here, sorry ha, I have to go get the boat eh..will you be okay?
PA: Ofcourse! Okay lang yan! Relax ka lang! Its Good! Okay lang yan!
MFO: But Sir, you have no food, water lang, sorry talaga!
PA: I have sky flakes here in my bag and some hopia, don't worry! Okay lang yan!

I think he told me not to worry all the time. I'm such a worry wart. Trying to handle 12 consultants at once is no easy task, but he made it much lighter with his easy banter and good natured attitude.. I've worked with him on many projects, he is one of my favourite specialists.

He was so old school too. He submitted his reports on floppy disks and on yellow pad..he's just so cute its unbelieveable.

One time I thought I lost him when I sent him to Brunei alone. I didn't want to call his wife and alarm her, but I had to after a while. Even she told me to relax and that he was probably already there, and lo and behold, she was right.

Sir Pete passed away yesterday. He was on his motorbike in LB to buy some basics for the house and his bike was side swiped. He seemed uninjured and was even lucid for an hour, but then fell into a coma at the hospital because he sustained internal injuries.

He will be sorely missed and I hope I can get all my friends to pray for his soul.
He was a GREAT biologist. One of the best in the Philippines. He was a GREAT consultant, as he submitted things on time and in killer detail. He was an EXTREMELY Intelligent man who knew many things, even not related to his work. He was an EXTREMELY kind man, who helped me see that I shouldn't worry so much and things will be fine.

He was a good person with a kind heart.

Professor Pedro Alviola III, my terrestrial biologist.

It's time to go for now

2007-05-15T06:21:00.000-07:00

I've given it much thought, and have been bribed in different ways to change my mind. From mere guilt trips to offers of loan disregard to a very inticing payment of my PhD but, I have decided, for at least the next six months from July, that its time for me to move on.

Unlikely that its forever, and I will probably be home more often that I think, but I need the development work to fuel the drive that I have in conservation and development, I need the cash (ha ha ha ) to sustain my bad habits and to save at long last, and..quite importantly, I need the space.

I am a nomad by nature, waiting for the time when I would be gently coerced into settling, not down but just settling in place..not stationary but steady.
one day, and as tancio said, it will all fall into place.

Malibu Ming

2007-05-05T14:50:00.000-07:00

Its been confirmed, the topamax has made me an airhead, and my other drug, duprixil or something, is a cerebral oxygenator, which literally means airhead..ha ha ha

Well, today, Nomes and I went to the docs to get all my results and they are all good so thanks to everyone who said a little prayer for me. But Naomi got to experience Malibu Ming first hand.

First of all, I lost my lisensha. Not lost as in nawala, lost as in mr pulis took it! I turned right on pasay road to paseo and it was a filter light but I thought it was green, oh well..so the drugs, well, they help me care a little less, so I gave it to the powlice who heed and hawed a little, expecting me to negotiate (which I wouldn't anyway, but I would usually try to sweet talk), well not today. I went on joking with nomes about how I was getting a ticket for a misbehaving (the violation is disobedience!)

And then we went to Honda to look at a Jazz, and the security tried to give me grief, but I just let it go, no argument, no flack, nothing..Naomi said she felt like she was in the twilight zone..

But alas, I have requested to be taken off the drugs, so tonight, Malibu Ming says good night, adieu and good bye..so this is my last airhead blog *god forbid, hopefully ever!*

Airhead alert

2007-05-03T11:50:00.000-07:00

If you have ever wanted to take advantage of me, now is the perfect time. I am drugged up and spaced out and you know what it is making me feel like, a quintessential dumb airhead (oh f$#%, well maybe not, dumb airheads don't use the word quintessential) ANWYAY.

No seriously..I am on Topamax..I feeeel like an airhead. I feel like I care a little less, giggle a little more, the edges feel a little less rough..its like mood altering medication. And I'm like this for 15 days!

I had a good day actually. I took a quick break with my co sex-star friends to catch up since we haven't had time for two beers in a while. busy scheds eh! Man do I miss my friends! (no gogz, this is not a blog about my updates!)

I also had a good evening. Went out with good friends and a happy dinner with Karl and Francis. Francis is off to KL to paint KL red (EXPAT is EX FAT!

The rest of the gang eventually followed and it was great to see them. Niel is always a pleasure to see!

Okay, let me go now. I have a headache. And this medication is supposed to make this headache go away. hassle. But its alright, I feel like Cher from Clueless. Beauty!!

Comfort in all the wrong places

2007-05-01T06:10:00.001-07:00

Sometimes, in times of trouble, we find comfort in all the wrong places. We call the wrong person, we text the wrong thing, we make the worst statements..and all because we make wrong decisions in times of trouble.

F#@$. what a statement.. see. I don't even know what I want to say and Im trying to allude to something but I don't want to so I make crappy statements. hay.

My excuse is I have a bad headache so give me a break.

A better blog tomorrow

2007-05-01T06:10:00.000-07:00

Apologies for the last blog. If you shift between my friendster and multiply one, you see the slight differences in the ones posted and the ones I post in one and not the other. Thank you Clare for the affirmation. I am soooo f$#%^ng sure everyone has made a bad call at one time or another except they choose not to acknowledge it. I don't regret bad decisions. trust me I have made one too many phone calls or texts in bad states, but i only say things I really mean to say but didn't have the courage to say (and needed half a bottle of stoli to say it)..i digress.

Don't get me wrong, I didn't have a bad weekend, though I did have a bit of a bittersweet weekend since I got some good and bad news but I did have a good breakthrough this weekend, something unexpected, but surely good.

anyway..tomorrow I will write a better blog. Once I have a few things in line and a clearer view of a few things in my life.

Hope you had a great May 1 Labour Day Holiday :)

I feel

2007-03-12T07:55:00.000-07:00

You know. feelings can slap you when you least expect it. The good thing is, sometimes, its a good feeling that you get and it can be quite surprising when you do feel it.

Anyone who knows me, knows what I am going through, chapter by chapter..so yeah, feeling something good, is...a breakthrough.

I met someone...now I don't know if I will ever see this guy again, but I met him sitting on a riverside cafe, facing the mekong here in Vientiane. He spoke to me, though I did see him sitting there anyway as I was looking for a familiar face (in a country I know noone..smart girl).. and then he said he was going to go check out this club and if I wanted to join him..so yeah, I said yeah..total stranger and all, but you know, I can take care of myself to some extent..

but the tagline is, we had dinner, we talked a lot, we played pool (and believe it or not he beat me! had beers and walked around and went dancing..and that was it. A quick goodbye, i tried to shake his hand but he actually went in for the hug, which was cute and surprising...like familiar and friendly, like it was normal.

And in one quick move, my passion to make friends and care and hope and all those things that go with love and respect and trust ..well..it came back to life.

Who would have ever guessed that that is all it took.

Will we meet again? It doesn't matter...It's more the revival of the feeling that I thought was lost, or buried deep in there somewhere that has me excited :)

With baited breath

2007-02-27T06:49:00.000-08:00

Sometimes you feel like a boulder, large and cumbersome but with substance and breadth. Too large to move, but too small to build a city on. The boulder feels good, stable and relaxed. Like an elderly statesman, nodding and ahhing, full of information, full of thoughts and ideas. Like a school of thought. Like an institution unto yourself... until you absorb everything around you...

Sometimes you feel like the newbie pebble..rolling down a hill, gathering speed and collecting things along the way..good and bad things, happy and sad experiences, rolling towards the bottom of the hill when you will actually again, be the size of a boulder with all the things that you have accumulated on the way down.

Both states are good. Like Clare said in her nice blog, (something like) happiness does not mean you don't feel unhappy-- happy is not being devoid of unhappiness!
But how about me? Am I a boulder right now or am I the pebble pelting its way down that hill?

Well, I'm thinking I'm a pebble on the edge of the top of the hill, holding my breath because if I move an inch, or even exhale, well, I could be onto that next adventure..and the question is, am I ready for it?

I dunno anymore..

2007-02-22T00:48:00.000-08:00

I wrote this blog some time early Feb..before my fiasco weekend, but it didn't save when I pressed save and publish, so I am going to try again.

*Warning: this blog is not the happiest of blogs, and though it ends on a happy note, well, its still a bit dark, don't say you weren't warned.*

Tragedies come in different shapes and sizes and one can only hope that you are strong enough to endure.

One big mother of a tragedy is a death or a near death in a family.

It's actually quite easy to say how sorry you are for someone you know, but actually, when you know someone quite well, you know that all the sorries in the world don't help. Ofcourse people mean well but it doesn't really penetrate through the haze that you are currently in.

For example, the tsunami tragedy in Thailand bonded people in ways that we can only imagine.

One thing though, is that you switch off (well, I did). As if your body knows that you can't really take much more of anything..and when it does this, well..you don't really know how to switch it back on. I mean yeah, you get back to some semblance of normalcy but its not really the same. Emotions are just hard to understand. When you feel sad, you feel a dull ache, when you are happy, same dull ache. When you are angry..well, yeah, dull ache..so how do you distinguish love or real love at that?

I am sure I am not the only person who has experienced this, and so.. I am going to name the club the tragic club.

Because its a tragedy that brings you into the club and its tragic that you had to even join it. Its a club that once you are a member, well, you're a member for life. You will always feel the bond with someone, and i would even stretch to *anyone* who has gone through the death or near death of someone you are close to. I am not starting a club nor is there such a club as this, I just wanted to name it for literary purposes.

I even recall a time when I was not part of this club. My friend's dad passed away. And I felt really bad for her. I didn't want to say sorry, or offer condolences because as if that really soothes the pain. On the other hand, I didn't really know how she felt...until my sister's near death experience. We (my friend and I) spoke after the dust settled, and I tell you, I saw her pain (years and years AFTER her dad passed away) in a different light, a more familiar light, and she saw now too, that I knew how she felt and could talk about it differently..

Being a member of this club is not good. It means you have experienced pain. But I have to admit there is comfort in knowing that you are not alone in what you feel, even though you know that when people say 'over time the pain will go away' its a lie, it won't..You learn to cope with it, to enjoy life in other ways, but every time you access the memories, the pain is AS vivid, and as potent as it was, bringing you to tears. But like I said, there is comfort in knowing that you have a friend or friends who know how best to console you at the right time, because they know EXACTLY how you fee.

*again, apologies..sad, but true..*

Fears and the fear you fear

2007-01-30T23:55:00.000-08:00

Every day is a new day to learn something new..even of the people that you thought you knew, but realize, after a while, after a few discussions..that you didn't know this person as well as you thought. But I am not afraid of learning these new things, nor am afraid of making mistakes..
I had quite an enlightening discussion with the person mentioned above. Me (the ever confrontational, but in a nice way..ha ha ha) said 'why don't you like to admit that you are wrong?' and **** said 'It would show weakness and I don't want to be perceived as weak". Fuck. Firstly, when you fuck up, its not an actual weakness its a mistake..the weakness lies in not standing up when you are asked 'who did this?' So again, the statement. I honestly believe that you show more weakness or *REAL* weakness when you are afraid to admit and accept your mistakes since you will never learn nor will you ever move from your present state of mind. So when someone knows or doesn't even know that you screwed up, by hedging around it, you ARE perceived as weak. Strong people address the situation..and no, it doesn't have to be confrontational, it just has to be DONE.
My frustrations about this is something that really flicks me.

Household mutiny survival kit

2007-01-02T23:54:00.000-08:00

My house help has gone on hiatus..
She left on the 30th, saying she'd be back on the 1st, and today (2nd) I have declared her AWOL to the village guard. If I lived on my own, (a place that wouldn't be much larger than 100 sq m) I would be fine..but I live in my parents house (approx too many square meters for my liking!) and everyone else is on holiday!!
By asking around for some house help from friends, I found out that the same thing has happened to a few other friends! Looks like New Year was munity on the bounty day for helpers nationwide!
So, here is a little tip from my friend, Mr. Stepford (that's his alias because he lives a Stepford lifestyle!)..who knows how to live it up, university style!
If you are alone the University feeding ritual can be invoked - get a large (very large) coffee mug - this serves for breakfast (cereal) followed by coffee (once cereal eaten), lunch is a sandwich eaten off your hand (OK as you can get office boy to wash plates in the office), dinner is noodles microwaved in the mug - leave the mug to soak overnight (a few quick rinses during the day help) and a quick 2 minutes in the microwave the next morning kills all bugs and you are ready to feed yourself again. Simple and revolving ritual.

Washing and cleaning are slightly more challenging.
Cleaning can me minimised by minimising space used i.e. door - kitchen - TV - bed, do not veer off this path or else the cleaning load increases, the rest of the house is now a no-go area.
Washing - even trickier as students only change clothes once a month, this was never too much of a strain, but maybe if you are expected to look decent for work it is suggested that you change clothes on a daily basis. Then again they say the best place to find your husband/wife is in the laundry (although the Manila versions are not so conducive to this as 2 minutes to drop off/pick up allow little time for the 45 minutes watching your clothes spin.) Also the supermarket is full of helpers doing the groceries - so that could be the answer - go to the supermarket and headhunt.
Any other suggestions? ha ha ha Happy Happy New Year!

Brown, unlined paper, shoes and very pretty ring

2006-12-15T23:50:00.000-08:00

Love..love..love..

I'm not really sure why this is the topic that is top of mind today..it could be because I was talking to Mommy about it yesterday, about praying for the things you want and how I am so so hoping that in their old(er age, they aren't that old!) they find more peace and joy with everything and especially with each other...
Or it could be because I was talking to Ms. Rose about it today at the office..
or it could be because Ist (tristan, my childhood friend) and I have been discussing it (with Kai and Nikki on separate days) and dissecting it and talking about our wants, likes, dislikes, hopes, honeymoon locations, wedding motif and stuff..Ist has this thing about talking about it calls the good vibes to you..something along the lines of Kevin Costner's movie and that baseball pitch..hmmm, I dunno Ist! he he he, yeah, I too believe in the power of faith, prayer and positive thinking!

But you know..since I'm on the topic of love.., when I think of love, the first three things, or at least three movies, come to mind..

Love Actually,... the scene that flashes up first is the one in the church where kiera and her boyfriend are about to get married and then these instruments start playing set up by the best friend who is in love with her also.. No, I am not saying I like my best friend's man but more the whole concept. The music, the whole scene..it was just so..nice.
Then the one where the guy from Bridget Jones (his name eludes me right now) and him proposing to the italian girl..I guess it's how he's fumbling with his italian, making a dog's dinner out of it, but still getting his point across..its soo NOT lost in translation, such is love.

Anyway, Second movie..
Have you seen Moulin Rouge? The scene that plays in my head is when Ewan McGregor is talking/singing about love to Nicole K, saying all the things love could be..love lifts us up where we belong, all we need is love, you were meant for loving me..the scene ha, not just the words and the songs..kase it doesn't look complete without the lsd-inspired scene on the rooftop (with the fairies and kylie minogue), with him dancing around like a girl and her trying to resist destiny..he he he helpless romantic.

And finally, Notting Hill..ofcourse, its the scene where she says she's just a girl, asking a boy to love her..

Ha ha ha, I just re read that all and I don't really want to post this because I sound like such a girl..but really...

Love really does lift us up where we belong, though I don't believe that all we need is love (though, if you look at it in its pure form, yes, all we need is love because love inspires us to do great things, as God does).

And that love can cross many borders and bridge gaps, especially now that the world is a much smaller place. Language is not and has never been a barrier.. Ha ha ha I don't know if you would call me helpless or hopeless, I guess I would rather be classified as a realistic romantic.

And just to bring the whole story back to me..One day, a long long time ago, one friend saw me just as me, nothing else..not who I could have been or will be 15 years later or what I could achieve, nope, just me as me.....and that was good, because he loved me anyway. I just love good memories...And...no matter how complicated or intimidating I seem (or act he he he), I really am just a girl y'know.

(ed's note: the title reminds me of love..and I didn't want a title that had the word love on it..so yeah..if you know those things and me, then you would know that this blog is all about love :) And I don't know, the Yuletide season always makes me cheery and happy and all romantic like..yuck! fool he he he)

At each turn of the cog, a thought escapes...

2006-11-01T23:47:00.000-08:00

I’ve been doing a lot of thinking lately..about the importance of things, the significance of being, the serenity found in solitude, the peace found in shared moments, the potential of love and the relevance of it all.

The world is a funny place. When you are young, all you want to do is grow up and see the world, but once you are older, you want to be young and be responsibility free..But in actual fact, you can grow up and still stay young at heart! Life needn’t be so serious (as Ae and Caroline have taught me) and you have to be a little adventurous and free because life is short (as Maris shows me every time she goes on holiday) but you also have to be responsible and O.C. (that's ming philosopy Living your life is important.

People are funny too. So much hiding and pretense going on..but what for? Afraid that people won’t like you for who you are? So what? Another concept is people wanting what other people have without the hard work..now that is really funny..I mean, clichés like no pain no gain MUST have come from somewhere! Being you is way more interesting than trying to be someone else for others.

Its funny how when things get chaotic it’s rare for people to actually stop and re evaluate things..its so much easier to let things careen out of control and ignore the carnage until it slaps you in the face..yeah it may be hard to deal with things, but finding that inner silence during the storm makes you so much more stable.

The funniest thing is..its actually quite simple..and it has been said many many times over..just be happy. Happy to be alive, happy to have great friends, happy to do what you are doing, happy to be free, happy to just be. Stop comparing yourself to the person on your right, stop being envious about someone else’s life, stop judging people and making assumptions based on hearsay, stop putting other people down to make yourself feel great.. (that one was for your caeci baby!) Be happy for who you are and the lives you touch because there is always peace to be found in shared moments with people you love.

Ofcourse, when you are done thinking about all these things, making yourself the better person that you want to be, its always good to have someone to share this with. The newly discovered restaurants or menus, someone to tell how crappy or great your day was..And even if you have to somehow wait for this ‘significant other’ to come..well, the potential of love can be good for you too.. because if things come too easy to you, at most times you won’t appreciate what you have.

All of this can be wrapped up in one word. Love. Love for self, love for others, love for country, love for mankind. If you love, you have passion, and if you have passion, then nothing is beyond your reach.

Cause and Effect

2006-09-08T23:42:00.000-07:00

Cause and Effect..sounds so simple when you look at it from a scientific point of view. Push the car, the car moves forward...well yeah, inertia and all that is involved but if you relate it to life and love (where things are NOT all fair)..well, it becomes a little more complicated.

I mean it can still be simple. You drink alcohol, you could get liver cancer. You smoke, you get lung cancer..but if you look at the reasons that you sometimes over drink, or over smoke..that's where the complications come in. You live with the consequences because its something that is self inflicted at least. No, I am not condoning over indulgence, I'm just saying its better than inflicting it on someone else... But sometimes, even the things that are self inflicted have an effect on the people around you..

I don't know if this is me coming off my alcohol high weekend or just my usual drama..in any case...i was telling my 'friend' yesterday that I've been lost of recent. Why do I feel lost? Cause and effect..something happens in your life that puts you off balance, hence you are off balance. External factors that kind of f#$% with your world..let me explain.

I was talking to my ex, about the effect that he had on my relationships after we finally broke up. I told him that after we ended, i felt bitter....I was so good, so nice, so okay, I have NO IDEA how he cheated on me..

Unconsciously (because I would never hurt someone consciously) I dated three guys in a row, each two months each, and before I broke up with one, I had already planned the other...I wasn't in love, I wasn't in lust either...it was just after a month and a half, I thought that maybe he would cheat on me so it was time to move onto someone else..After this 3 dating stint, I dated someone for a longer period of time, and decided what's the use in loving or dating if you aren't going to lose yourself in it.

My discussion with my ex last last week actually helped me put things in some sort of perspective..he hurt me, therefore the way I functioned for about a year was medjo alanganin. He did say that he was sorry, and that obviously he wasn't really in love with me and that he was young..and that he now believes that if you love someone you would never do anything to hurt them. I had to disagree. don't get me wrong..I agree that if you love someone you wouldn't want to hurt them..but sometimes (especially when you are young and foolish) you make stupid decisions..based on peer pressure, previous hurts and bad experiences. BUT when you get older and wiser and more experienced, you should know na what you are doing...therefore we should be getting better at things as we grow older...

I'm assuming that if he knew what effect he'd have on my life, he would have thought twice before cheating on me..but maybe I'm being too optimistic..since obviously people do the things they do without care about other people, that's what makes it a selfish act right?

This then jumps to my discussion with a friend of mine over last weekend. I don't really want to drown you with the details, but we came to the conclusion that people should be more responsible for their actions. That you really don't know the effect that you could have on someone else, and so by being mean, or cheating, or hurting partners or friends, you could alter the direction of people's lives, like REALLY alter it.

For me, the effect only lasted for about a year, but I do know that sometimes I make a statement of 'just remember that if you are cheating on me, in all likelihood I could do something worse' The good thing is I have learned to think and say that 'if you are just going to cheat on me, just leave me and we're good, I wouldn't suggest for you to try my patience'..Honestly, I would rather be told that you are out of love..i mean I'm not one that would accept a half assed relationship anyway, just be straight!

Where am I going with this, since when I read back it sounds like I want to discuss something but don't want to say too much..

What I want to say is you can do things that have an effect only on yourself, and you would have to live with these consequences. But the minute that you add another person into the equation, you have to also think about the effect of your action on that person too.

Possibly why I didn't date last year.. i wanted to sort out myself first before I test those waters again. I know it seems silly that when i need someone the most to help me through a rough patch I kind of avoid the opportunities, but I figured, what doesn't kill me will make me stronger! (ha ha ha) And also..I just want to make it clear that I'm not saying that my external factors at this given time is a dating/boy thing..it just seemed easier to use that as a point to examine. Anyone who knows me knows what my external factors are for now..Anyway..

I guess I am hoping for the good in people, especially now that we are older and wiser, that before you take on that 'extra' girlfriend, before you go into some drama fest to add colour to your life, before you decide to sit on your ass and let everyone else deal with the situation around you, before you do things that affect other people..think about the people you affect. I'm not just talking about boyfriend/girlfriend things, I'm talking about anything! with your family, with your dog, with your office mates, with your friends..

that's all I'm hoping for..think before you act, because you could actually scar someone for life with the things that us humans foolishly do.

New horizons

2006-03-20T01:21:00.000-08:00

Wow, its been a while..not that I had nothing to say, its just been hectic, and I kind of forgot that I had this space to share my crap..

So whats new? Hmm, lots! Mother is back with Mich. Hmmmm, is that good news or not I don't know, but I guess its alright...I've been avoiding the home front a fair bit so to avoid confrontation..

I have a new friend and his name is Deone. NO, there is no real hidden meaning behind the word friend as we are purely friends...which is odd though because we are together ALL the time! And when we aren't together we are texting each other..are we dating no, do we ACT like we are, well, yeah I guess so but then again maybe we are just both at a stage when you don't want a partner, you just want a constant friend..well, thats what I want, I don't know about him...and he is quite sexy..but hmmm, not entirely my type!

Also, the beach boy (read back to Beach blog) turns out that he has TWO girlfriends!! can you fucking imagine that! So here he was making some move for me, when he already had two girls, and as if I wouldn't find out!!!!! anyway, its all good, at least I didn't get sucked into that scenario.

Anyway, I'm doing much better...much much better.

The Beach

2005-11-03T02:53:00.000-08:00

I'm about to go to the beach..

Why do I sound so desolate about something so exciting? Because I am going alone with a guy whom I know for a fact only wants one thing and me naman I think I am more emotionally attached than I would like to admit. Yeah yeah, I know, Manoy said none of that falling in love stuff but fuck.. but then again, maybe Im just hesitant all together and it has nothing to do with being in love because I don't really know this guy.. I mean I know him well enough but not killer well. I know his name, his family name..I don't know how many siblings he has and I don't know the name of his dog. I know that he spends time with his family but I don't know them. I know that he tries to make it out to see me before I get home but I don't know where he has been and why he is late..Why does he text na he's not that talkative and am I when he can just find out later..I'm really not ready for this stuff I don't think..I just want to kick back and relax and enjoy my weekend...how hard is that.

Hay Men, what to do? I mean this guy is like hot and cold and sometimes he texts but he never calls so I guess I should know that 'he's just not into me!' ha ha ha...neuroticism coming out sweetheart.

Fear

2005-11-03T02:49:00.000-08:00

I'm not usually afraid..I mean don't get me wrong, I have my phobias and insecurities but I have to admit speaking my mind and talking about anything is not one of them. If you notice I started blogging at an unhappy time in my life..sister got sick, parents going crazy (well, from my point of view anyway), new job, broke up with my boyfriend of 6 years..I mean its quite lucky I'm still somewhat okay..I wouldn't say I have come out of this unscathed because I am quite scarred now but only those who really know me or are sensitive to these things can tell..I am not one to hold in emotions and for about 6 months I had to do just that and so my circuit breaker went off and now my emotions are just ibang klase..I don't care about some things and get touchy about others..though ofcourse I keep this to myself as much as I can...mainly because I don't feel as if I have someone to share this with..someone who will listen to me..yeah yeah drama I know..but still..
I read the blog of a friend on friendster..take note friend on friendster because this guy is not my friend in real life and therefore neither is his friend. He (the friend of the friend) wrote a blog about achieving things alone and how lonely it is no matter how great the achievement. I can relate..maybe I'm not used to being single..maybe I don't like being single..but I am willing to stay that way while I wait to meet someone worthwhile..

So fear and its army...what am I afraid of? Many things..the dark, lonliness, losing family and friends..lots of things. Ofcourse its comforting when I see friends and they tell me they read my blog and am I alright..as they have never seen me this sad or dark or unhappy..sheesh..this was supposed to be a happy blog..let me change gear.

I'm much better now. Even though a few things happened to me last month that could have once again turn my world upside down, I held the fort. I didn't get all emotional..though in retrospect I should have. (I will write a different blog for this...long story) Bottom line is that I am better..not back to normal, but much better...and so what has this got to do with fear? I've been trying to write a blog for the last few weeks, months maybe....and as I said, I am fearless about sharing my thoughts...but somehow its only now that I am able to write something again..blogger's block maybe..but somehow I could not write..I would write half a blog and delete it...not that I believe this blog makes sense..you tell me..I know I am rambling..i guess its like writing music, the more unhappy or emotional you are, the more angst you have to write about..but don't get me wrong..I'd rather be happy and have happy things to blog about from time to time than be unhappy and be blogging 24/7.

Background music

2005-11-03T02:43:00.000-08:00

The thing about background music is that its always there, in the back, waiting for you to listen to it. Then when you do, you would usually decide to either turn it off (if its some crappy song), change it (if you still want to listen) or continue listening to it.
Like in life..

I have recently realized that sometimes what ifs are better as what if nots..catch my drift? I have to be rather vague kase I don't want to hurt anyone just because I want to share how I feel. I actually wrote a frank blog about this on my other blogging thingy, which I will not share because its anonymous.

So even though my life has been one hell of a crappy rollercoaster ride these past 10 months..I've sorted so many things out about myself, my relationships and my state of mind that maybe, as the saying always goes, things happen for a reason. Ofcourse I would rather that Mich not have had an aneursym, and that my olds were happier...I guess we all have our hang ups.. and I would imagine my detractors saying " at last, ming has a problem, I always thought she was too happy to be real"..yeah, well I was happy..I am happy, or getting there anyway.
Back to the background music..as I said we all have options. For example, Exhibit A. Mr A is a nice guy but cheats on his girlfriend/partner/whatever. Though Mr A may say that its nature and you can't fight nature..I still believe that even though the music is on, you can always turn it down, or turn it off...and please, kaya nga survival of the fittest eh, if you can't adapt to new situations, you'll go extinct..and life is always at k, some level of chaos at all times. I could go on and on about this but I wont. Enough said that you can always turn the music off.

Exhibit B. Ms. B doesn't want to hear the music. She'd rather act oblivious to it so that life is more simple...personally I think she is too afraid to hear it because she would probably have to act on it.

and finally..

Exhibit me. Exhibit me hears the music, but sometimes I don't know what to do with it..sometimes (in retrospect because retrospect is always 20 20 vision as my father always says) i think there are times that I should have just turned it off, sometimes when I should have stopped to listen to it and acknowledge it, and sometimes I should have turned it up..hopefully with age I have gotten better at knowing when to do what..we'll just have to see.

note: I think I should start writing movie reviews or something less personal..I always seem to analyse myself

Singles

2005-07-12T23:31:00.000-07:00

Funny how funny being single can be...I mean I feel like I am in high school..getting giddy over a crush..meeting new people and thinking, christ, how do I look kaya? But actually, its funny being single and older because you seem to notice things a bit more...

anxiety

2005-06-27T02:44:00.000-07:00

I checked on "depression.com" and it verifies something I already know...I'm depressed and I have some kind of anxiety disorder because I get anxious and I am moody. Thank god I didn't need to pay for this because this is information I already knew. Anyway...I wanted to focus on my anxiety today. I am anxious..Hi my name is Ming and I am anxious. I feel like throwing up and crying and I am extremely moody. (Hi Ming, welcome)...wow, I am now making dialogues too...scary. But seriously...I need some help..anyway..this post is for all you people who think you are alone..there are many of us, some are just not so ready to share how they feel.

I, on the other hand, am planning to use this as a way to purge my demons.

Surrealism and porn

2005-06-21T18:53:00.000-07:00

Its quite odd how things become surreal once the going gets tough. Maybe its your systems way of telling you that its all too much and that you need a break. So to combat the unhappiness that you may have read on my previous blog, I am writing one about a break that I had.

The other day I went to my cousin's house to drop something off and to say hi. I was feeling EXTREMELY low and needed to talk, maybe get a hug and some kind of reassurance that I am doing alright. After a good long conversation and a hug or two later, her sister called and showed up...then her husband came out and joined us, as did another friend. So what started out as a heart to heart became a vodka night.

It was a great evening, full of laughs and more laughs...I can't tell you how much I needed a break at this time and the group that we had together was perfect for it. Adding another person might have ruined the moment, one less person might have made it too somber..I felt so much better, and I am sure my cousin felt better seeing me feel better..

I haven't felt this good in a while..maybe it means that my system is trying to reboot and may start feeling again. But anyway..It was a really good night...I can't explain how good a night it was..we were laughing 90% of the time!

So why surrealism and porn. Well, with regards to surrealism, its always easy to watch someone else go through hard times but not really understand how surreal it actually is to the person who is going through it. It feels surreal for the friend trying to console you because you don't really know what to say..and its surreal to the person going through it because she is thinking, am I really going through this?

And porn..where does porn come into all of this? Well, one main question that evening is that do men really believe that women can do all those things girls do in porn. So its surreal because a woman would rarely imagine her man would want her to try all of those things, and its surreal because the man actually believes that his woman would want to try all those things for him.. :)

Dramas of the third kind

2005-06-20T21:47:00.000-07:00

Long time no blog...not for the lack of drama let me tell you....more like the overload of it that I have switched off from the world..so anyway, onto my post. Drama comes in many shapes and sizes...some are simple...like when someone doesn't call when you hope they will call..see that is simple, but can become complicated when you get quite uptight that the person didn't call and refuse to take his/her call or even argue on the phone..then the person retaliates with harsh words and then tears come..and then boom...its a full blown drama fest of unmanageable proportions. Lets look at that again though...if you just stopped at when they didn't call and assume the best (like they just simply forgot or were damn busy) then you wouldn't have been so hot headed and when you call them to remind them that they didn't call they will apologise...now isn't that more simple?

Less drama, less hassle..

Melancholy and the infinite sadness

2005-06-13T22:06:00.000-07:00

I'm assuming that things just don't happen to me, they happen to everyone, and there is comfort I guess in knowing that someone somewhere has felt or is feeling how I feel right now. Not much comfort, but some. Unhappiness has always been a state of mind for me as I am rarely unhappy, not a constant and more of a variable..something that changes over time and this gives me great comfort since I know some time soon this will all go away..but the sad thing is I think it would have changed me forever..Changed my basic composition, changed my disposition. Changed my way of thinking and maybe even my values...maybe even my point of view..maybe even my core... I guess I should be thankful for the things that have happened in my past that make me strong in the present. And if you think you have somehow made me strong in my past, be it through trials or good times..feel better by knowing that you have made me a better person.
SO..why the blog..why share how I feel..because I have never been scared to use my experience to maybe help someone else...all that bola about being thankful for being blessed, trust me..everyone should count their lucky stars and live life to the fullest. Enjoy your independence, enjoy whatever age you are and enjoy the moment, because sometimes life slaps you when you least expect it, and you are going to need those moments you had to live through it

Friday night

2005-05-27T06:50:00.000-07:00

ITs friday night, I'm sitting in front of my lap top writing a post. I'ts brown out and damn hot..welcome to manila! HAd a few beers with my boss, Jaime, quite a cool guy...

Driving home I was listening to an evanescence song..the one about pain and how its too real. I guess over all that's how I feel. I can't find my way out of the darkness unless I can imagine the light...but I guess I'm not at that stage of healing yet. I'm at the how could my sister desert me and how can she be slacking off at a time like this phase..and a I can't believe he found stable work in less than two weeks after breaking up..evidently he needs shock treatment and is not a planner by nature...he's better off without me...all my encouragement and motivation for sweet f a. Happy weekend folks

I have a reunion tomorrow... Also meeting up with a potential..potential what I don't know..til the next post! ciao ba-by

Singapore Sling

2005-05-22T22:09:00.000-07:00

I've been out of commission for a week. Was off to brunei to hug the trees before they cut them down. Even including in our report how they should set aside a 'sanctuary' for corporate social responsibility. Its tree hugging disguised as a selling point. I'm getting good at this. Still somewhat overwhelming, but getting the hang of it more or less.

My weekend was great. I stayed over night in Singapore and I tell you, Manila is just..lost. I don't mean in infrastructure, politics, lifestyle and all that jazz..I mean in the variety of people you can meet. Manila is cookie cutter country. We have a few molds and one batch of dough and you either become a socialite (by background) a socialite (by skill but this is to be determined by the socialites themselves), A social climber (usually those who marry into money or white...you choose), the poor (who will stay poor because its easier than trying to change), the worker ant (who will always be an employee and never an employer due to the lack of effort)..and the dramatic..but I think drama is mixed in the dough already.

I was sitting last night talking to a few friends and one girl could not STOP talking about herself and her family (oh how prestigous they are).. I wanted to get up and just leave..considering she is actually a somewhat nice girl..but still..woman.,..move along! I guess this can also be brough upon the fact that I have issues at the moment and didn't want to hear inane crap..but anyway...this is actually leading to something.

SO yes, Singapore, friday night at the local irish pub..and I tell you, here, you are no one. In Manila you may be the most well known actor, model, scientist, fashionista, metrosexual..but in singapore you are just you. Its the same in the UK and even in the states if you keep away from the 'disney' crowd- those who moved from Manila and gravitate around each other.

I was actually talking to a very good friend of mine the other week about the bliss of being no one else where..No social class, no mold to fit in, no pressures...

Suffice to say I had fun in singapore..it was fun, wild and full of shopping. I drank copious amounts of alcohol (thanks to Kev), saw the sun rise from the balcony of Orchard Parade, and beat a local shark at pool..how much better could that have been?

Change over time

2005-05-13T00:04:00.000-07:00

I'm a scientist. I always try to view things in a very logical, scientific manner...but since I am female (no complaints please!) I am also quite emotional..so go figure...a scientific emotional approach is my usual mode of operation...Depending on the situation at hand it can change from scientific emotional to emotionally scientific.

My boyfriend and I just broke up. After about6 years of dating each other, making plans for the future, standing my ground against my stubborn, opinionated, racist and demanding parents, we break up.

I'm not going into the why's and wherefore's because everyone has their reasons. What I want to talk about is trends...(scientist here) Everything has a trend...even things that you think are random have trends. El nino has a trend..people take the trouble to do surveys to identify changes over time..changes in coral assemblage, changes in community structure, changes in dead coral and dead coral with algae, changes in faunal assemblage of mangroves...but most importantly, people should survey changes in their lives. Usually this is done on ones birthday when they reach past the age of parties. You reflect about your life, what you have done, who have you touched...who's life have you ruined...that kind of thing.

But again, in science, you do things in intervals...and i think the life survey should be done in shorter intervals...not yearly, but quarterly and during times of rapid change.

But emotionally, why need the survey..just live life to the fullest and take the shots as they come (preferably not in the chest)..

The reason why you do the survey is so that you know or you can predict when the shots will come..but then again, it doesn't exactly hurt any less no matter how prepared you are.

So what to do? Scientific or emotional? I go both ways..throw yourself in and live in the moment but do periodical surveys to assess where you are at the given time..so that you can prepare yourself for the moment you have been dreading and wallow in the unhappiness that you knew was coming..

Happy thoughts from an unhappy girl.

Love or something like it...according to friendster

2005-04-28T21:29:00.000-07:00

Two days and I haven't posted anything...mainly because there was nothing of interest happening to me but I still should have made some effort...anyway...today I have a topic of interest..So whats the story?
I have this ex.. I have a present boyfriend... I have this 'what if' guy..and one reliable guy who was an ex but is now just a friend...and a best friend..just to set the scene.

So here I am, down in the dumps, like Im in that millionaire game..the one where you have one life line? My past few weeks have been about life lines since I am in quite a state...(reaad past blogs or posts)...Have been fighting with present boyfriend so things there are just unstable..so I contact reliable guy and somehow for the first time ever in my life he is not so reliable..can't reach him, doesn't text back...I guess he doesn't realize the severity of this situation of mine...or maybe he doesnt care since he's snagged this hot young thing..(but thats a different story all together) (side comment, its not like I care that he's dating this girl..I just expected him to be there like I was for him when his ex broke up with him and he was devastated) Sooo..no go there..more down in the dumps thinking 'I'm a fat loser no one cares!' So I contact ex and the 'what if' guy..during this time the present boyfriend is constantly arguing with me...and ex responds in a 'will you marry me way' somewhat overwhelming! And 'what if' calls me all the way from where he is at (13hrs flying time to be exact)..that really cheered me up to no end since 'what if' comes from way back..Anyway, so now in my state I am confused...why am I with present, why not with ex? 'What if' is a bit of a question mark unless he gets his act together but I may be too difficult for him anyhow..ANYWAY..so now I am thinking how nice it was to be with ex. Remembering all the good things...and thinking this is nice and simple and good...Oh yeah, and in between this I contacted best friend (15 hrs away by flying) and she whips me into action..reprimands me for bad form and cheers me up..which present bf feels jealous about (god help me really..the relationships I get into!) And she also tells me to stop contacting ex since he was a loser then and still is a loser now..from her point of view anyway..but seriously I am considering ex..like did I make a mistake leaving him kind of consider.

So yesterday I met with boyfriend for the first time in a while and I felt happy...probably due to the attention given to me by 'what if' and presnt boyfriends ncier attitude about my dilemma..so where does this leave ex?

This is where friendster comes in (enter friendster stage left) Ex has always been a bit of a misfit...an outlier..not that that has ever had an effect on me..i seem to attract outsiders..so what does this all mean? Here I am considering this guy when he adds me on his friendster..Me, I have about a hundred friends or more and I checked out his site and I am his only friend and we have 'no friends in common'..if I wasn't so blind then I would have noticed the same thing in the past without friendster telling me that we really have no friends in common. I fthis is any indication of how our life might be for the rest of my life if I marry him..god help me!

Happy weekend to all you out there and if you are in Manila be glad for the 3 day weekend! Ciao bella :)

Lost in transit

2005-04-26T21:14:00.000-07:00

So I'm home...after a long day at work...but then again that is nothing interesting is it. So, you ask...what happened to Ming that was interesting today (other than my daily dilemmas anyway)..I lost a consultant....did you hear that right? Yes, I sent an old man to the airport to go to Brunei and somehow, somewhere, he isn't there, he isn't here...I can't seem to locate him..I lost him in transit. I doubt your day could be much worse...but then again, as I said, this is free therapy for me...somewhere I could write down how I feel, how bad my day is, how sad I am about all the drama going on around me...I think I would win a 'who's got the craziest momma' contest. Hands down baby!

But the scary thing there is...don't they always say you'll grow up to be just like your mother!? (or is it men marry women like their mothers?) I get confused. So yeah...other than this its been peachy. My sister is ill, my mother is crazy, my father is a control freak and I am just me..count your lucky stars. Til the next.

(eds note (25.07.09)- I say a lot of grr things, mainly focused on my parents and sister in this blog, of which I apologize in advance. This is how I felt at the time I wrote this, and don't want to change it. My parents are great. They have their flaws, they are human. My family is not extraordinary in this way, but they are in others, as my sister survived an aneurysm, my mother raised her sisters and brothers AND us, and my father, well, he is the smartest most loving person I know..so, as common as we may seem in some ways, we are also extraordinary.

On the air

2005-04-24T23:26:00.000-07:00

Testing...though I am sure it will work. First entry in my blog, which has supposedly become quite a fad, but that's not why I decided to make one. This is a selfish venture, a place where I can vent and not expect an answer, but at least I wrote it down. I should be paying for this since this is my therapy instead of paying a counsellor. Lets see how good it is. Til the next entry