You know. feelings can slap you when you least expect it. The good thing is, sometimes, its a good feeling that you get and it can be quite surprising when you do feel it.
Anyone who knows me, knows what I am going through, chapter by chapter..so yeah, feeling something good, is...a breakthrough.
I met someone...now I don't know if I will ever see this guy again, but I met him sitting on a riverside cafe, facing the mekong here in Vientiane. He spoke to me, though I did see him sitting there anyway as I was looking for a familiar face (in a country I know noone..smart girl).. and then he said he was going to go check out this club and if I wanted to join him..so yeah, I said yeah..total stranger and all, but you know, I can take care of myself to some extent..
but the tagline is, we had dinner, we talked a lot, we played pool (and believe it or not he beat me! had beers and walked around and went dancing..and that was it. A quick goodbye, i tried to shake his hand but he actually went in for the hug, which was cute and surprising...like familiar and friendly, like it was normal.
And in one quick move, my passion to make friends and care and hope and all those things that go with love and respect and trust ..well..it came back to life.
Who would have ever guessed that that is all it took.
Will we meet again? It doesn't matter...It's more the revival of the feeling that I thought was lost, or buried deep in there somewhere that has me excited :)
Monday, March 12, 2007
Tuesday, February 27, 2007
With baited breath
Sometimes you feel like a boulder, large and cumbersome but with substance and breadth. Too large to move, but too small to build a city on. The boulder feels good, stable and relaxed. Like an elderly statesman, nodding and ahhing, full of information, full of thoughts and ideas. Like a school of thought. Like an institution unto yourself... until you absorb everything around you...
Sometimes you feel like the newbie pebble..rolling down a hill, gathering speed and collecting things along the way..good and bad things, happy and sad experiences, rolling towards the bottom of the hill when you will actually again, be the size of a boulder with all the things that you have accumulated on the way down.
Both states are good. Like Clare said in her nice blog, (something like) happiness does not mean you don't feel unhappy-- happy is not being devoid of unhappiness!
But how about me? Am I a boulder right now or am I the pebble pelting its way down that hill?
Well, I'm thinking I'm a pebble on the edge of the top of the hill, holding my breath because if I move an inch, or even exhale, well, I could be onto that next adventure..and the question is, am I ready for it?
Sometimes you feel like the newbie pebble..rolling down a hill, gathering speed and collecting things along the way..good and bad things, happy and sad experiences, rolling towards the bottom of the hill when you will actually again, be the size of a boulder with all the things that you have accumulated on the way down.
Both states are good. Like Clare said in her nice blog, (something like) happiness does not mean you don't feel unhappy-- happy is not being devoid of unhappiness!
But how about me? Am I a boulder right now or am I the pebble pelting its way down that hill?
Well, I'm thinking I'm a pebble on the edge of the top of the hill, holding my breath because if I move an inch, or even exhale, well, I could be onto that next adventure..and the question is, am I ready for it?
Thursday, February 22, 2007
I dunno anymore..
I wrote this blog some time early Feb..before my fiasco weekend, but it didn't save when I pressed save and publish, so I am going to try again.
*Warning: this blog is not the happiest of blogs, and though it ends on a happy note, well, its still a bit dark, don't say you weren't warned.*
Tragedies come in different shapes and sizes and one can only hope that you are strong enough to endure.
One big mother of a tragedy is a death or a near death in a family.
It's actually quite easy to say how sorry you are for someone you know, but actually, when you know someone quite well, you know that all the sorries in the world don't help. Ofcourse people mean well but it doesn't really penetrate through the haze that you are currently in.
For example, the tsunami tragedy in Thailand bonded people in ways that we can only imagine.
One thing though, is that you switch off (well, I did). As if your body knows that you can't really take much more of anything..and when it does this, well..you don't really know how to switch it back on. I mean yeah, you get back to some semblance of normalcy but its not really the same. Emotions are just hard to understand. When you feel sad, you feel a dull ache, when you are happy, same dull ache. When you are angry..well, yeah, dull ache..so how do you distinguish love or real love at that?
I am sure I am not the only person who has experienced this, and so.. I am going to name the club the tragic club.
Because its a tragedy that brings you into the club and its tragic that you had to even join it. Its a club that once you are a member, well, you're a member for life. You will always feel the bond with someone, and i would even stretch to *anyone* who has gone through the death or near death of someone you are close to. I am not starting a club nor is there such a club as this, I just wanted to name it for literary purposes.
I even recall a time when I was not part of this club. My friend's dad passed away. And I felt really bad for her. I didn't want to say sorry, or offer condolences because as if that really soothes the pain. On the other hand, I didn't really know how she felt...until my sister's near death experience. We (my friend and I) spoke after the dust settled, and I tell you, I saw her pain (years and years AFTER her dad passed away) in a different light, a more familiar light, and she saw now too, that I knew how she felt and could talk about it differently..
Being a member of this club is not good. It means you have experienced pain. But I have to admit there is comfort in knowing that you are not alone in what you feel, even though you know that when people say 'over time the pain will go away' its a lie, it won't..You learn to cope with it, to enjoy life in other ways, but every time you access the memories, the pain is AS vivid, and as potent as it was, bringing you to tears. But like I said, there is comfort in knowing that you have a friend or friends who know how best to console you at the right time, because they know EXACTLY how you fee.
*again, apologies..sad, but true..*
*Warning: this blog is not the happiest of blogs, and though it ends on a happy note, well, its still a bit dark, don't say you weren't warned.*
Tragedies come in different shapes and sizes and one can only hope that you are strong enough to endure.
One big mother of a tragedy is a death or a near death in a family.
It's actually quite easy to say how sorry you are for someone you know, but actually, when you know someone quite well, you know that all the sorries in the world don't help. Ofcourse people mean well but it doesn't really penetrate through the haze that you are currently in.
For example, the tsunami tragedy in Thailand bonded people in ways that we can only imagine.
One thing though, is that you switch off (well, I did). As if your body knows that you can't really take much more of anything..and when it does this, well..you don't really know how to switch it back on. I mean yeah, you get back to some semblance of normalcy but its not really the same. Emotions are just hard to understand. When you feel sad, you feel a dull ache, when you are happy, same dull ache. When you are angry..well, yeah, dull ache..so how do you distinguish love or real love at that?
I am sure I am not the only person who has experienced this, and so.. I am going to name the club the tragic club.
Because its a tragedy that brings you into the club and its tragic that you had to even join it. Its a club that once you are a member, well, you're a member for life. You will always feel the bond with someone, and i would even stretch to *anyone* who has gone through the death or near death of someone you are close to. I am not starting a club nor is there such a club as this, I just wanted to name it for literary purposes.
I even recall a time when I was not part of this club. My friend's dad passed away. And I felt really bad for her. I didn't want to say sorry, or offer condolences because as if that really soothes the pain. On the other hand, I didn't really know how she felt...until my sister's near death experience. We (my friend and I) spoke after the dust settled, and I tell you, I saw her pain (years and years AFTER her dad passed away) in a different light, a more familiar light, and she saw now too, that I knew how she felt and could talk about it differently..
Being a member of this club is not good. It means you have experienced pain. But I have to admit there is comfort in knowing that you are not alone in what you feel, even though you know that when people say 'over time the pain will go away' its a lie, it won't..You learn to cope with it, to enjoy life in other ways, but every time you access the memories, the pain is AS vivid, and as potent as it was, bringing you to tears. But like I said, there is comfort in knowing that you have a friend or friends who know how best to console you at the right time, because they know EXACTLY how you fee.
*again, apologies..sad, but true..*
Tuesday, January 30, 2007
Fears and the fear you fear
Every day is a new day to learn something new..even of the people that you thought you knew, but realize, after a while, after a few discussions..that you didn't know this person as well as you thought. But I am not afraid of learning these new things, nor am afraid of making mistakes..
I had quite an enlightening discussion with the person mentioned above. Me (the ever confrontational, but in a nice way..ha ha ha) said 'why don't you like to admit that you are wrong?' and **** said 'It would show weakness and I don't want to be perceived as weak". Fuck. Firstly, when you fuck up, its not an actual weakness its a mistake..the weakness lies in not standing up when you are asked 'who did this?' So again, the statement. I honestly believe that you show more weakness or *REAL* weakness when you are afraid to admit and accept your mistakes since you will never learn nor will you ever move from your present state of mind. So when someone knows or doesn't even know that you screwed up, by hedging around it, you ARE perceived as weak. Strong people address the situation..and no, it doesn't have to be confrontational, it just has to be DONE.
My frustrations about this is something that really flicks me.
I had quite an enlightening discussion with the person mentioned above. Me (the ever confrontational, but in a nice way..ha ha ha) said 'why don't you like to admit that you are wrong?' and **** said 'It would show weakness and I don't want to be perceived as weak". Fuck. Firstly, when you fuck up, its not an actual weakness its a mistake..the weakness lies in not standing up when you are asked 'who did this?' So again, the statement. I honestly believe that you show more weakness or *REAL* weakness when you are afraid to admit and accept your mistakes since you will never learn nor will you ever move from your present state of mind. So when someone knows or doesn't even know that you screwed up, by hedging around it, you ARE perceived as weak. Strong people address the situation..and no, it doesn't have to be confrontational, it just has to be DONE.
My frustrations about this is something that really flicks me.
Tuesday, January 02, 2007
Household mutiny survival kit
My house help has gone on hiatus..
She left on the 30th, saying she'd be back on the 1st, and today (2nd) I have declared her AWOL to the village guard. If I lived on my own, (a place that wouldn't be much larger than 100 sq m) I would be fine..but I live in my parents house (approx too many square meters for my liking!) and everyone else is on holiday!!
By asking around for some house help from friends, I found out that the same thing has happened to a few other friends! Looks like New Year was munity on the bounty day for helpers nationwide!
So, here is a little tip from my friend, Mr. Stepford (that's his alias because he lives a Stepford lifestyle!)..who knows how to live it up, university style!
If you are alone the University feeding ritual can be invoked - get a large (very large) coffee mug - this serves for breakfast (cereal) followed by coffee (once cereal eaten), lunch is a sandwich eaten off your hand (OK as you can get office boy to wash plates in the office), dinner is noodles microwaved in the mug - leave the mug to soak overnight (a few quick rinses during the day help) and a quick 2 minutes in the microwave the next morning kills all bugs and you are ready to feed yourself again. Simple and revolving ritual.
Washing and cleaning are slightly more challenging.
Cleaning can me minimised by minimising space used i.e. door - kitchen - TV - bed, do not veer off this path or else the cleaning load increases, the rest of the house is now a no-go area.
Washing - even trickier as students only change clothes once a month, this was never too much of a strain, but maybe if you are expected to look decent for work it is suggested that you change clothes on a daily basis. Then again they say the best place to find your husband/wife is in the laundry (although the Manila versions are not so conducive to this as 2 minutes to drop off/pick up allow little time for the 45 minutes watching your clothes spin.) Also the supermarket is full of helpers doing the groceries - so that could be the answer - go to the supermarket and headhunt.
Any other suggestions? ha ha ha Happy Happy New Year!
She left on the 30th, saying she'd be back on the 1st, and today (2nd) I have declared her AWOL to the village guard. If I lived on my own, (a place that wouldn't be much larger than 100 sq m) I would be fine..but I live in my parents house (approx too many square meters for my liking!) and everyone else is on holiday!!
By asking around for some house help from friends, I found out that the same thing has happened to a few other friends! Looks like New Year was munity on the bounty day for helpers nationwide!
So, here is a little tip from my friend, Mr. Stepford (that's his alias because he lives a Stepford lifestyle!)..who knows how to live it up, university style!
If you are alone the University feeding ritual can be invoked - get a large (very large) coffee mug - this serves for breakfast (cereal) followed by coffee (once cereal eaten), lunch is a sandwich eaten off your hand (OK as you can get office boy to wash plates in the office), dinner is noodles microwaved in the mug - leave the mug to soak overnight (a few quick rinses during the day help) and a quick 2 minutes in the microwave the next morning kills all bugs and you are ready to feed yourself again. Simple and revolving ritual.
Washing and cleaning are slightly more challenging.
Cleaning can me minimised by minimising space used i.e. door - kitchen - TV - bed, do not veer off this path or else the cleaning load increases, the rest of the house is now a no-go area.
Washing - even trickier as students only change clothes once a month, this was never too much of a strain, but maybe if you are expected to look decent for work it is suggested that you change clothes on a daily basis. Then again they say the best place to find your husband/wife is in the laundry (although the Manila versions are not so conducive to this as 2 minutes to drop off/pick up allow little time for the 45 minutes watching your clothes spin.) Also the supermarket is full of helpers doing the groceries - so that could be the answer - go to the supermarket and headhunt.
Any other suggestions? ha ha ha Happy Happy New Year!
Friday, December 15, 2006
Brown, unlined paper, shoes and very pretty ring
Love..love..love..
I'm not really sure why this is the topic that is top of mind today..it could be because I was talking to Mommy about it yesterday, about praying for the things you want and how I am so so hoping that in their old(er age, they aren't that old!) they find more peace and joy with everything and especially with each other...
Or it could be because I was talking to Ms. Rose about it today at the office..
or it could be because Ist (tristan, my childhood friend) and I have been discussing it (with Kai and Nikki on separate days) and dissecting it and talking about our wants, likes, dislikes, hopes, honeymoon locations, wedding motif and stuff..Ist has this thing about talking about it calls the good vibes to you..something along the lines of Kevin Costner's movie and that baseball pitch..hmmm, I dunno Ist! he he he, yeah, I too believe in the power of faith, prayer and positive thinking!
But you know..since I'm on the topic of love.., when I think of love, the first three things, or at least three movies, come to mind..
Love Actually,... the scene that flashes up first is the one in the church where kiera and her boyfriend are about to get married and then these instruments start playing set up by the best friend who is in love with her also.. No, I am not saying I like my best friend's man but more the whole concept. The music, the whole scene..it was just so..nice.
Then the one where the guy from Bridget Jones (his name eludes me right now) and him proposing to the italian girl..I guess it's how he's fumbling with his italian, making a dog's dinner out of it, but still getting his point across..its soo NOT lost in translation, such is love.
Anyway, Second movie..
Have you seen Moulin Rouge? The scene that plays in my head is when Ewan McGregor is talking/singing about love to Nicole K, saying all the things love could be..love lifts us up where we belong, all we need is love, you were meant for loving me..the scene ha, not just the words and the songs..kase it doesn't look complete without the lsd-inspired scene on the rooftop (with the fairies and kylie minogue), with him dancing around like a girl and her trying to resist destiny..he he he helpless romantic.
And finally, Notting Hill..ofcourse, its the scene where she says she's just a girl, asking a boy to love her..
Ha ha ha, I just re read that all and I don't really want to post this because I sound like such a girl..but really...
Love really does lift us up where we belong, though I don't believe that all we need is love (though, if you look at it in its pure form, yes, all we need is love because love inspires us to do great things, as God does).
And that love can cross many borders and bridge gaps, especially now that the world is a much smaller place. Language is not and has never been a barrier.. Ha ha ha I don't know if you would call me helpless or hopeless, I guess I would rather be classified as a realistic romantic.
And just to bring the whole story back to me..One day, a long long time ago, one friend saw me just as me, nothing else..not who I could have been or will be 15 years later or what I could achieve, nope, just me as me.....and that was good, because he loved me anyway. I just love good memories...And...no matter how complicated or intimidating I seem (or act he he he), I really am just a girl y'know.
(ed's note: the title reminds me of love..and I didn't want a title that had the word love on it..so yeah..if you know those things and me, then you would know that this blog is all about love :) And I don't know, the Yuletide season always makes me cheery and happy and all romantic like..yuck! fool he he he)
I'm not really sure why this is the topic that is top of mind today..it could be because I was talking to Mommy about it yesterday, about praying for the things you want and how I am so so hoping that in their old(er age, they aren't that old!) they find more peace and joy with everything and especially with each other...
Or it could be because I was talking to Ms. Rose about it today at the office..
or it could be because Ist (tristan, my childhood friend) and I have been discussing it (with Kai and Nikki on separate days) and dissecting it and talking about our wants, likes, dislikes, hopes, honeymoon locations, wedding motif and stuff..Ist has this thing about talking about it calls the good vibes to you..something along the lines of Kevin Costner's movie and that baseball pitch..hmmm, I dunno Ist! he he he, yeah, I too believe in the power of faith, prayer and positive thinking!
But you know..since I'm on the topic of love.., when I think of love, the first three things, or at least three movies, come to mind..
Love Actually,... the scene that flashes up first is the one in the church where kiera and her boyfriend are about to get married and then these instruments start playing set up by the best friend who is in love with her also.. No, I am not saying I like my best friend's man but more the whole concept. The music, the whole scene..it was just so..nice.
Then the one where the guy from Bridget Jones (his name eludes me right now) and him proposing to the italian girl..I guess it's how he's fumbling with his italian, making a dog's dinner out of it, but still getting his point across..its soo NOT lost in translation, such is love.
Anyway, Second movie..
Have you seen Moulin Rouge? The scene that plays in my head is when Ewan McGregor is talking/singing about love to Nicole K, saying all the things love could be..love lifts us up where we belong, all we need is love, you were meant for loving me..the scene ha, not just the words and the songs..kase it doesn't look complete without the lsd-inspired scene on the rooftop (with the fairies and kylie minogue), with him dancing around like a girl and her trying to resist destiny..he he he helpless romantic.
And finally, Notting Hill..ofcourse, its the scene where she says she's just a girl, asking a boy to love her..
Ha ha ha, I just re read that all and I don't really want to post this because I sound like such a girl..but really...
Love really does lift us up where we belong, though I don't believe that all we need is love (though, if you look at it in its pure form, yes, all we need is love because love inspires us to do great things, as God does).
And that love can cross many borders and bridge gaps, especially now that the world is a much smaller place. Language is not and has never been a barrier.. Ha ha ha I don't know if you would call me helpless or hopeless, I guess I would rather be classified as a realistic romantic.
And just to bring the whole story back to me..One day, a long long time ago, one friend saw me just as me, nothing else..not who I could have been or will be 15 years later or what I could achieve, nope, just me as me.....and that was good, because he loved me anyway. I just love good memories...And...no matter how complicated or intimidating I seem (or act he he he), I really am just a girl y'know.
(ed's note: the title reminds me of love..and I didn't want a title that had the word love on it..so yeah..if you know those things and me, then you would know that this blog is all about love :) And I don't know, the Yuletide season always makes me cheery and happy and all romantic like..yuck! fool he he he)
Wednesday, November 01, 2006
At each turn of the cog, a thought escapes...
I’ve been doing a lot of thinking lately..about the importance of things, the significance of being, the serenity found in solitude, the peace found in shared moments, the potential of love and the relevance of it all.
The world is a funny place. When you are young, all you want to do is grow up and see the world, but once you are older, you want to be young and be responsibility free..But in actual fact, you can grow up and still stay young at heart! Life needn’t be so serious (as Ae and Caroline have taught me) and you have to be a little adventurous and free because life is short (as Maris shows me every time she goes on holiday) but you also have to be responsible and O.C. (that's ming philosopy Living your life is important.
People are funny too. So much hiding and pretense going on..but what for? Afraid that people won’t like you for who you are? So what? Another concept is people wanting what other people have without the hard work..now that is really funny..I mean, clichés like no pain no gain MUST have come from somewhere! Being you is way more interesting than trying to be someone else for others.
Its funny how when things get chaotic it’s rare for people to actually stop and re evaluate things..its so much easier to let things careen out of control and ignore the carnage until it slaps you in the face..yeah it may be hard to deal with things, but finding that inner silence during the storm makes you so much more stable.
The funniest thing is..its actually quite simple..and it has been said many many times over..just be happy. Happy to be alive, happy to have great friends, happy to do what you are doing, happy to be free, happy to just be. Stop comparing yourself to the person on your right, stop being envious about someone else’s life, stop judging people and making assumptions based on hearsay, stop putting other people down to make yourself feel great.. (that one was for your caeci baby!) Be happy for who you are and the lives you touch because there is always peace to be found in shared moments with people you love.
Ofcourse, when you are done thinking about all these things, making yourself the better person that you want to be, its always good to have someone to share this with. The newly discovered restaurants or menus, someone to tell how crappy or great your day was..And even if you have to somehow wait for this ‘significant other’ to come..well, the potential of love can be good for you too.. because if things come too easy to you, at most times you won’t appreciate what you have.
All of this can be wrapped up in one word. Love. Love for self, love for others, love for country, love for mankind. If you love, you have passion, and if you have passion, then nothing is beyond your reach.
The world is a funny place. When you are young, all you want to do is grow up and see the world, but once you are older, you want to be young and be responsibility free..But in actual fact, you can grow up and still stay young at heart! Life needn’t be so serious (as Ae and Caroline have taught me) and you have to be a little adventurous and free because life is short (as Maris shows me every time she goes on holiday) but you also have to be responsible and O.C. (that's ming philosopy Living your life is important.
People are funny too. So much hiding and pretense going on..but what for? Afraid that people won’t like you for who you are? So what? Another concept is people wanting what other people have without the hard work..now that is really funny..I mean, clichés like no pain no gain MUST have come from somewhere! Being you is way more interesting than trying to be someone else for others.
Its funny how when things get chaotic it’s rare for people to actually stop and re evaluate things..its so much easier to let things careen out of control and ignore the carnage until it slaps you in the face..yeah it may be hard to deal with things, but finding that inner silence during the storm makes you so much more stable.
The funniest thing is..its actually quite simple..and it has been said many many times over..just be happy. Happy to be alive, happy to have great friends, happy to do what you are doing, happy to be free, happy to just be. Stop comparing yourself to the person on your right, stop being envious about someone else’s life, stop judging people and making assumptions based on hearsay, stop putting other people down to make yourself feel great.. (that one was for your caeci baby!) Be happy for who you are and the lives you touch because there is always peace to be found in shared moments with people you love.
Ofcourse, when you are done thinking about all these things, making yourself the better person that you want to be, its always good to have someone to share this with. The newly discovered restaurants or menus, someone to tell how crappy or great your day was..And even if you have to somehow wait for this ‘significant other’ to come..well, the potential of love can be good for you too.. because if things come too easy to you, at most times you won’t appreciate what you have.
All of this can be wrapped up in one word. Love. Love for self, love for others, love for country, love for mankind. If you love, you have passion, and if you have passion, then nothing is beyond your reach.
Friday, September 08, 2006
Cause and Effect
Cause and Effect..sounds so simple when you look at it from a scientific point of view. Push the car, the car moves forward...well yeah, inertia and all that is involved but if you relate it to life and love (where things are NOT all fair)..well, it becomes a little more complicated.
I mean it can still be simple. You drink alcohol, you could get liver cancer. You smoke, you get lung cancer..but if you look at the reasons that you sometimes over drink, or over smoke..that's where the complications come in. You live with the consequences because its something that is self inflicted at least. No, I am not condoning over indulgence, I'm just saying its better than inflicting it on someone else... But sometimes, even the things that are self inflicted have an effect on the people around you..
I don't know if this is me coming off my alcohol high weekend or just my usual drama..in any case...i was telling my 'friend' yesterday that I've been lost of recent. Why do I feel lost? Cause and effect..something happens in your life that puts you off balance, hence you are off balance. External factors that kind of f#$% with your world..let me explain.
I was talking to my ex, about the effect that he had on my relationships after we finally broke up. I told him that after we ended, i felt bitter....I was so good, so nice, so okay, I have NO IDEA how he cheated on me..
Unconsciously (because I would never hurt someone consciously) I dated three guys in a row, each two months each, and before I broke up with one, I had already planned the other...I wasn't in love, I wasn't in lust either...it was just after a month and a half, I thought that maybe he would cheat on me so it was time to move onto someone else..After this 3 dating stint, I dated someone for a longer period of time, and decided what's the use in loving or dating if you aren't going to lose yourself in it.
My discussion with my ex last last week actually helped me put things in some sort of perspective..he hurt me, therefore the way I functioned for about a year was medjo alanganin. He did say that he was sorry, and that obviously he wasn't really in love with me and that he was young..and that he now believes that if you love someone you would never do anything to hurt them. I had to disagree. don't get me wrong..I agree that if you love someone you wouldn't want to hurt them..but sometimes (especially when you are young and foolish) you make stupid decisions..based on peer pressure, previous hurts and bad experiences. BUT when you get older and wiser and more experienced, you should know na what you are doing...therefore we should be getting better at things as we grow older...
I'm assuming that if he knew what effect he'd have on my life, he would have thought twice before cheating on me..but maybe I'm being too optimistic..since obviously people do the things they do without care about other people, that's what makes it a selfish act right?
This then jumps to my discussion with a friend of mine over last weekend. I don't really want to drown you with the details, but we came to the conclusion that people should be more responsible for their actions. That you really don't know the effect that you could have on someone else, and so by being mean, or cheating, or hurting partners or friends, you could alter the direction of people's lives, like REALLY alter it.
For me, the effect only lasted for about a year, but I do know that sometimes I make a statement of 'just remember that if you are cheating on me, in all likelihood I could do something worse' The good thing is I have learned to think and say that 'if you are just going to cheat on me, just leave me and we're good, I wouldn't suggest for you to try my patience'..Honestly, I would rather be told that you are out of love..i mean I'm not one that would accept a half assed relationship anyway, just be straight!
Where am I going with this, since when I read back it sounds like I want to discuss something but don't want to say too much..
What I want to say is you can do things that have an effect only on yourself, and you would have to live with these consequences. But the minute that you add another person into the equation, you have to also think about the effect of your action on that person too.
Possibly why I didn't date last year.. i wanted to sort out myself first before I test those waters again. I know it seems silly that when i need someone the most to help me through a rough patch I kind of avoid the opportunities, but I figured, what doesn't kill me will make me stronger! (ha ha ha) And also..I just want to make it clear that I'm not saying that my external factors at this given time is a dating/boy thing..it just seemed easier to use that as a point to examine. Anyone who knows me knows what my external factors are for now..Anyway..
I guess I am hoping for the good in people, especially now that we are older and wiser, that before you take on that 'extra' girlfriend, before you go into some drama fest to add colour to your life, before you decide to sit on your ass and let everyone else deal with the situation around you, before you do things that affect other people..think about the people you affect. I'm not just talking about boyfriend/girlfriend things, I'm talking about anything! with your family, with your dog, with your office mates, with your friends..
that's all I'm hoping for..think before you act, because you could actually scar someone for life with the things that us humans foolishly do.
I mean it can still be simple. You drink alcohol, you could get liver cancer. You smoke, you get lung cancer..but if you look at the reasons that you sometimes over drink, or over smoke..that's where the complications come in. You live with the consequences because its something that is self inflicted at least. No, I am not condoning over indulgence, I'm just saying its better than inflicting it on someone else... But sometimes, even the things that are self inflicted have an effect on the people around you..
I don't know if this is me coming off my alcohol high weekend or just my usual drama..in any case...i was telling my 'friend' yesterday that I've been lost of recent. Why do I feel lost? Cause and effect..something happens in your life that puts you off balance, hence you are off balance. External factors that kind of f#$% with your world..let me explain.
I was talking to my ex, about the effect that he had on my relationships after we finally broke up. I told him that after we ended, i felt bitter....I was so good, so nice, so okay, I have NO IDEA how he cheated on me..
Unconsciously (because I would never hurt someone consciously) I dated three guys in a row, each two months each, and before I broke up with one, I had already planned the other...I wasn't in love, I wasn't in lust either...it was just after a month and a half, I thought that maybe he would cheat on me so it was time to move onto someone else..After this 3 dating stint, I dated someone for a longer period of time, and decided what's the use in loving or dating if you aren't going to lose yourself in it.
My discussion with my ex last last week actually helped me put things in some sort of perspective..he hurt me, therefore the way I functioned for about a year was medjo alanganin. He did say that he was sorry, and that obviously he wasn't really in love with me and that he was young..and that he now believes that if you love someone you would never do anything to hurt them. I had to disagree. don't get me wrong..I agree that if you love someone you wouldn't want to hurt them..but sometimes (especially when you are young and foolish) you make stupid decisions..based on peer pressure, previous hurts and bad experiences. BUT when you get older and wiser and more experienced, you should know na what you are doing...therefore we should be getting better at things as we grow older...
I'm assuming that if he knew what effect he'd have on my life, he would have thought twice before cheating on me..but maybe I'm being too optimistic..since obviously people do the things they do without care about other people, that's what makes it a selfish act right?
This then jumps to my discussion with a friend of mine over last weekend. I don't really want to drown you with the details, but we came to the conclusion that people should be more responsible for their actions. That you really don't know the effect that you could have on someone else, and so by being mean, or cheating, or hurting partners or friends, you could alter the direction of people's lives, like REALLY alter it.
For me, the effect only lasted for about a year, but I do know that sometimes I make a statement of 'just remember that if you are cheating on me, in all likelihood I could do something worse' The good thing is I have learned to think and say that 'if you are just going to cheat on me, just leave me and we're good, I wouldn't suggest for you to try my patience'..Honestly, I would rather be told that you are out of love..i mean I'm not one that would accept a half assed relationship anyway, just be straight!
Where am I going with this, since when I read back it sounds like I want to discuss something but don't want to say too much..
What I want to say is you can do things that have an effect only on yourself, and you would have to live with these consequences. But the minute that you add another person into the equation, you have to also think about the effect of your action on that person too.
Possibly why I didn't date last year.. i wanted to sort out myself first before I test those waters again. I know it seems silly that when i need someone the most to help me through a rough patch I kind of avoid the opportunities, but I figured, what doesn't kill me will make me stronger! (ha ha ha) And also..I just want to make it clear that I'm not saying that my external factors at this given time is a dating/boy thing..it just seemed easier to use that as a point to examine. Anyone who knows me knows what my external factors are for now..Anyway..
I guess I am hoping for the good in people, especially now that we are older and wiser, that before you take on that 'extra' girlfriend, before you go into some drama fest to add colour to your life, before you decide to sit on your ass and let everyone else deal with the situation around you, before you do things that affect other people..think about the people you affect. I'm not just talking about boyfriend/girlfriend things, I'm talking about anything! with your family, with your dog, with your office mates, with your friends..
that's all I'm hoping for..think before you act, because you could actually scar someone for life with the things that us humans foolishly do.
Monday, March 20, 2006
New horizons
Wow, its been a while..not that I had nothing to say, its just been hectic, and I kind of forgot that I had this space to share my crap..
So whats new? Hmm, lots! Mother is back with Mich. Hmmmm, is that good news or not I don't know, but I guess its alright...I've been avoiding the home front a fair bit so to avoid confrontation..
I have a new friend and his name is Deone. NO, there is no real hidden meaning behind the word friend as we are purely friends...which is odd though because we are together ALL the time! And when we aren't together we are texting each other..are we dating no, do we ACT like we are, well, yeah I guess so but then again maybe we are just both at a stage when you don't want a partner, you just want a constant friend..well, thats what I want, I don't know about him...and he is quite sexy..but hmmm, not entirely my type!
Also, the beach boy (read back to Beach blog) turns out that he has TWO girlfriends!! can you fucking imagine that! So here he was making some move for me, when he already had two girls, and as if I wouldn't find out!!!!! anyway, its all good, at least I didn't get sucked into that scenario.
Anyway, I'm doing much better...much much better.
So whats new? Hmm, lots! Mother is back with Mich. Hmmmm, is that good news or not I don't know, but I guess its alright...I've been avoiding the home front a fair bit so to avoid confrontation..
I have a new friend and his name is Deone. NO, there is no real hidden meaning behind the word friend as we are purely friends...which is odd though because we are together ALL the time! And when we aren't together we are texting each other..are we dating no, do we ACT like we are, well, yeah I guess so but then again maybe we are just both at a stage when you don't want a partner, you just want a constant friend..well, thats what I want, I don't know about him...and he is quite sexy..but hmmm, not entirely my type!
Also, the beach boy (read back to Beach blog) turns out that he has TWO girlfriends!! can you fucking imagine that! So here he was making some move for me, when he already had two girls, and as if I wouldn't find out!!!!! anyway, its all good, at least I didn't get sucked into that scenario.
Anyway, I'm doing much better...much much better.
Thursday, November 03, 2005
The Beach
I'm about to go to the beach..
Why do I sound so desolate about something so exciting? Because I am going alone with a guy whom I know for a fact only wants one thing and me naman I think I am more emotionally attached than I would like to admit. Yeah yeah, I know, Manoy said none of that falling in love stuff but fuck.. but then again, maybe Im just hesitant all together and it has nothing to do with being in love because I don't really know this guy.. I mean I know him well enough but not killer well. I know his name, his family name..I don't know how many siblings he has and I don't know the name of his dog. I know that he spends time with his family but I don't know them. I know that he tries to make it out to see me before I get home but I don't know where he has been and why he is late..Why does he text na he's not that talkative and am I when he can just find out later..I'm really not ready for this stuff I don't think..I just want to kick back and relax and enjoy my weekend...how hard is that.
Hay Men, what to do? I mean this guy is like hot and cold and sometimes he texts but he never calls so I guess I should know that 'he's just not into me!' ha ha ha...neuroticism coming out sweetheart.
Why do I sound so desolate about something so exciting? Because I am going alone with a guy whom I know for a fact only wants one thing and me naman I think I am more emotionally attached than I would like to admit. Yeah yeah, I know, Manoy said none of that falling in love stuff but fuck.. but then again, maybe Im just hesitant all together and it has nothing to do with being in love because I don't really know this guy.. I mean I know him well enough but not killer well. I know his name, his family name..I don't know how many siblings he has and I don't know the name of his dog. I know that he spends time with his family but I don't know them. I know that he tries to make it out to see me before I get home but I don't know where he has been and why he is late..Why does he text na he's not that talkative and am I when he can just find out later..I'm really not ready for this stuff I don't think..I just want to kick back and relax and enjoy my weekend...how hard is that.
Hay Men, what to do? I mean this guy is like hot and cold and sometimes he texts but he never calls so I guess I should know that 'he's just not into me!' ha ha ha...neuroticism coming out sweetheart.
Fear
I'm not usually afraid..I mean don't get me wrong, I have my phobias and insecurities but I have to admit speaking my mind and talking about anything is not one of them. If you notice I started blogging at an unhappy time in my life..sister got sick, parents going crazy (well, from my point of view anyway), new job, broke up with my boyfriend of 6 years..I mean its quite lucky I'm still somewhat okay..I wouldn't say I have come out of this unscathed because I am quite scarred now but only those who really know me or are sensitive to these things can tell..I am not one to hold in emotions and for about 6 months I had to do just that and so my circuit breaker went off and now my emotions are just ibang klase..I don't care about some things and get touchy about others..though ofcourse I keep this to myself as much as I can...mainly because I don't feel as if I have someone to share this with..someone who will listen to me..yeah yeah drama I know..but still..
I read the blog of a friend on friendster..take note friend on friendster because this guy is not my friend in real life and therefore neither is his friend. He (the friend of the friend) wrote a blog about achieving things alone and how lonely it is no matter how great the achievement. I can relate..maybe I'm not used to being single..maybe I don't like being single..but I am willing to stay that way while I wait to meet someone worthwhile..
So fear and its army...what am I afraid of? Many things..the dark, lonliness, losing family and friends..lots of things. Ofcourse its comforting when I see friends and they tell me they read my blog and am I alright..as they have never seen me this sad or dark or unhappy..sheesh..this was supposed to be a happy blog..let me change gear.
I'm much better now. Even though a few things happened to me last month that could have once again turn my world upside down, I held the fort. I didn't get all emotional..though in retrospect I should have. (I will write a different blog for this...long story) Bottom line is that I am better..not back to normal, but much better...and so what has this got to do with fear? I've been trying to write a blog for the last few weeks, months maybe....and as I said, I am fearless about sharing my thoughts...but somehow its only now that I am able to write something again..blogger's block maybe..but somehow I could not write..I would write half a blog and delete it...not that I believe this blog makes sense..you tell me..I know I am rambling..i guess its like writing music, the more unhappy or emotional you are, the more angst you have to write about..but don't get me wrong..I'd rather be happy and have happy things to blog about from time to time than be unhappy and be blogging 24/7.
I read the blog of a friend on friendster..take note friend on friendster because this guy is not my friend in real life and therefore neither is his friend. He (the friend of the friend) wrote a blog about achieving things alone and how lonely it is no matter how great the achievement. I can relate..maybe I'm not used to being single..maybe I don't like being single..but I am willing to stay that way while I wait to meet someone worthwhile..
So fear and its army...what am I afraid of? Many things..the dark, lonliness, losing family and friends..lots of things. Ofcourse its comforting when I see friends and they tell me they read my blog and am I alright..as they have never seen me this sad or dark or unhappy..sheesh..this was supposed to be a happy blog..let me change gear.
I'm much better now. Even though a few things happened to me last month that could have once again turn my world upside down, I held the fort. I didn't get all emotional..though in retrospect I should have. (I will write a different blog for this...long story) Bottom line is that I am better..not back to normal, but much better...and so what has this got to do with fear? I've been trying to write a blog for the last few weeks, months maybe....and as I said, I am fearless about sharing my thoughts...but somehow its only now that I am able to write something again..blogger's block maybe..but somehow I could not write..I would write half a blog and delete it...not that I believe this blog makes sense..you tell me..I know I am rambling..i guess its like writing music, the more unhappy or emotional you are, the more angst you have to write about..but don't get me wrong..I'd rather be happy and have happy things to blog about from time to time than be unhappy and be blogging 24/7.
Background music
The thing about background music is that its always there, in the back, waiting for you to listen to it. Then when you do, you would usually decide to either turn it off (if its some crappy song), change it (if you still want to listen) or continue listening to it.
Like in life..
I have recently realized that sometimes what ifs are better as what if nots..catch my drift? I have to be rather vague kase I don't want to hurt anyone just because I want to share how I feel. I actually wrote a frank blog about this on my other blogging thingy, which I will not share because its anonymous.
So even though my life has been one hell of a crappy rollercoaster ride these past 10 months..I've sorted so many things out about myself, my relationships and my state of mind that maybe, as the saying always goes, things happen for a reason. Ofcourse I would rather that Mich not have had an aneursym, and that my olds were happier...I guess we all have our hang ups.. and I would imagine my detractors saying " at last, ming has a problem, I always thought she was too happy to be real"..yeah, well I was happy..I am happy, or getting there anyway.
Back to the background music..as I said we all have options. For example, Exhibit A. Mr A is a nice guy but cheats on his girlfriend/partner/whatever. Though Mr A may say that its nature and you can't fight nature..I still believe that even though the music is on, you can always turn it down, or turn it off...and please, kaya nga survival of the fittest eh, if you can't adapt to new situations, you'll go extinct..and life is always at k, some level of chaos at all times. I could go on and on about this but I wont. Enough said that you can always turn the music off.
Exhibit B. Ms. B doesn't want to hear the music. She'd rather act oblivious to it so that life is more simple...personally I think she is too afraid to hear it because she would probably have to act on it.
and finally..
Exhibit me. Exhibit me hears the music, but sometimes I don't know what to do with it..sometimes (in retrospect because retrospect is always 20 20 vision as my father always says) i think there are times that I should have just turned it off, sometimes when I should have stopped to listen to it and acknowledge it, and sometimes I should have turned it up..hopefully with age I have gotten better at knowing when to do what..we'll just have to see.
note: I think I should start writing movie reviews or something less personal..I always seem to analyse myself
Like in life..
I have recently realized that sometimes what ifs are better as what if nots..catch my drift? I have to be rather vague kase I don't want to hurt anyone just because I want to share how I feel. I actually wrote a frank blog about this on my other blogging thingy, which I will not share because its anonymous.
So even though my life has been one hell of a crappy rollercoaster ride these past 10 months..I've sorted so many things out about myself, my relationships and my state of mind that maybe, as the saying always goes, things happen for a reason. Ofcourse I would rather that Mich not have had an aneursym, and that my olds were happier...I guess we all have our hang ups.. and I would imagine my detractors saying " at last, ming has a problem, I always thought she was too happy to be real"..yeah, well I was happy..I am happy, or getting there anyway.
Back to the background music..as I said we all have options. For example, Exhibit A. Mr A is a nice guy but cheats on his girlfriend/partner/whatever. Though Mr A may say that its nature and you can't fight nature..I still believe that even though the music is on, you can always turn it down, or turn it off...and please, kaya nga survival of the fittest eh, if you can't adapt to new situations, you'll go extinct..and life is always at k, some level of chaos at all times. I could go on and on about this but I wont. Enough said that you can always turn the music off.
Exhibit B. Ms. B doesn't want to hear the music. She'd rather act oblivious to it so that life is more simple...personally I think she is too afraid to hear it because she would probably have to act on it.
and finally..
Exhibit me. Exhibit me hears the music, but sometimes I don't know what to do with it..sometimes (in retrospect because retrospect is always 20 20 vision as my father always says) i think there are times that I should have just turned it off, sometimes when I should have stopped to listen to it and acknowledge it, and sometimes I should have turned it up..hopefully with age I have gotten better at knowing when to do what..we'll just have to see.
note: I think I should start writing movie reviews or something less personal..I always seem to analyse myself
Tuesday, July 12, 2005
Singles
Funny how funny being single can be...I mean I feel like I am in high school..getting giddy over a crush..meeting new people and thinking, christ, how do I look kaya? But actually, its funny being single and older because you seem to notice things a bit more...
Monday, June 27, 2005
anxiety
I checked on "depression.com" and it verifies something I already know...I'm depressed and I have some kind of anxiety disorder because I get anxious and I am moody. Thank god I didn't need to pay for this because this is information I already knew. Anyway...I wanted to focus on my anxiety today. I am anxious..Hi my name is Ming and I am anxious. I feel like throwing up and crying and I am extremely moody. (Hi Ming, welcome)...wow, I am now making dialogues too...scary. But seriously...I need some help..anyway..this post is for all you people who think you are alone..there are many of us, some are just not so ready to share how they feel.
I, on the other hand, am planning to use this as a way to purge my demons.
I, on the other hand, am planning to use this as a way to purge my demons.
Tuesday, June 21, 2005
Surrealism and porn
Its quite odd how things become surreal once the going gets tough. Maybe its your systems way of telling you that its all too much and that you need a break. So to combat the unhappiness that you may have read on my previous blog, I am writing one about a break that I had.
The other day I went to my cousin's house to drop something off and to say hi. I was feeling EXTREMELY low and needed to talk, maybe get a hug and some kind of reassurance that I am doing alright. After a good long conversation and a hug or two later, her sister called and showed up...then her husband came out and joined us, as did another friend. So what started out as a heart to heart became a vodka night.
It was a great evening, full of laughs and more laughs...I can't tell you how much I needed a break at this time and the group that we had together was perfect for it. Adding another person might have ruined the moment, one less person might have made it too somber..I felt so much better, and I am sure my cousin felt better seeing me feel better..
I haven't felt this good in a while..maybe it means that my system is trying to reboot and may start feeling again. But anyway..It was a really good night...I can't explain how good a night it was..we were laughing 90% of the time!
So why surrealism and porn. Well, with regards to surrealism, its always easy to watch someone else go through hard times but not really understand how surreal it actually is to the person who is going through it. It feels surreal for the friend trying to console you because you don't really know what to say..and its surreal to the person going through it because she is thinking, am I really going through this?
And porn..where does porn come into all of this? Well, one main question that evening is that do men really believe that women can do all those things girls do in porn. So its surreal because a woman would rarely imagine her man would want her to try all of those things, and its surreal because the man actually believes that his woman would want to try all those things for him.. :)
The other day I went to my cousin's house to drop something off and to say hi. I was feeling EXTREMELY low and needed to talk, maybe get a hug and some kind of reassurance that I am doing alright. After a good long conversation and a hug or two later, her sister called and showed up...then her husband came out and joined us, as did another friend. So what started out as a heart to heart became a vodka night.
It was a great evening, full of laughs and more laughs...I can't tell you how much I needed a break at this time and the group that we had together was perfect for it. Adding another person might have ruined the moment, one less person might have made it too somber..I felt so much better, and I am sure my cousin felt better seeing me feel better..
I haven't felt this good in a while..maybe it means that my system is trying to reboot and may start feeling again. But anyway..It was a really good night...I can't explain how good a night it was..we were laughing 90% of the time!
So why surrealism and porn. Well, with regards to surrealism, its always easy to watch someone else go through hard times but not really understand how surreal it actually is to the person who is going through it. It feels surreal for the friend trying to console you because you don't really know what to say..and its surreal to the person going through it because she is thinking, am I really going through this?
And porn..where does porn come into all of this? Well, one main question that evening is that do men really believe that women can do all those things girls do in porn. So its surreal because a woman would rarely imagine her man would want her to try all of those things, and its surreal because the man actually believes that his woman would want to try all those things for him.. :)
Monday, June 20, 2005
Dramas of the third kind
Long time no blog...not for the lack of drama let me tell you....more like the overload of it that I have switched off from the world..so anyway, onto my post. Drama comes in many shapes and sizes...some are simple...like when someone doesn't call when you hope they will call..see that is simple, but can become complicated when you get quite uptight that the person didn't call and refuse to take his/her call or even argue on the phone..then the person retaliates with harsh words and then tears come..and then boom...its a full blown drama fest of unmanageable proportions. Lets look at that again though...if you just stopped at when they didn't call and assume the best (like they just simply forgot or were damn busy) then you wouldn't have been so hot headed and when you call them to remind them that they didn't call they will apologise...now isn't that more simple?
Less drama, less hassle..
Less drama, less hassle..
Monday, June 13, 2005
Melancholy and the infinite sadness
I'm assuming that things just don't happen to me, they happen to everyone, and there is comfort I guess in knowing that someone somewhere has felt or is feeling how I feel right now. Not much comfort, but some. Unhappiness has always been a state of mind for me as I am rarely unhappy, not a constant and more of a variable..something that changes over time and this gives me great comfort since I know some time soon this will all go away..but the sad thing is I think it would have changed me forever..Changed my basic composition, changed my disposition. Changed my way of thinking and maybe even my values...maybe even my point of view..maybe even my core... I guess I should be thankful for the things that have happened in my past that make me strong in the present. And if you think you have somehow made me strong in my past, be it through trials or good times..feel better by knowing that you have made me a better person.
SO..why the blog..why share how I feel..because I have never been scared to use my experience to maybe help someone else...all that bola about being thankful for being blessed, trust me..everyone should count their lucky stars and live life to the fullest. Enjoy your independence, enjoy whatever age you are and enjoy the moment, because sometimes life slaps you when you least expect it, and you are going to need those moments you had to live through it
SO..why the blog..why share how I feel..because I have never been scared to use my experience to maybe help someone else...all that bola about being thankful for being blessed, trust me..everyone should count their lucky stars and live life to the fullest. Enjoy your independence, enjoy whatever age you are and enjoy the moment, because sometimes life slaps you when you least expect it, and you are going to need those moments you had to live through it
Friday, May 27, 2005
Friday night
ITs friday night, I'm sitting in front of my lap top writing a post. I'ts brown out and damn hot..welcome to manila! HAd a few beers with my boss, Jaime, quite a cool guy...
Driving home I was listening to an evanescence song..the one about pain and how its too real. I guess over all that's how I feel. I can't find my way out of the darkness unless I can imagine the light...but I guess I'm not at that stage of healing yet. I'm at the how could my sister desert me and how can she be slacking off at a time like this phase..and a I can't believe he found stable work in less than two weeks after breaking up..evidently he needs shock treatment and is not a planner by nature...he's better off without me...all my encouragement and motivation for sweet f a. Happy weekend folks
I have a reunion tomorrow... Also meeting up with a potential..potential what I don't know..til the next post! ciao ba-by
Driving home I was listening to an evanescence song..the one about pain and how its too real. I guess over all that's how I feel. I can't find my way out of the darkness unless I can imagine the light...but I guess I'm not at that stage of healing yet. I'm at the how could my sister desert me and how can she be slacking off at a time like this phase..and a I can't believe he found stable work in less than two weeks after breaking up..evidently he needs shock treatment and is not a planner by nature...he's better off without me...all my encouragement and motivation for sweet f a. Happy weekend folks
I have a reunion tomorrow... Also meeting up with a potential..potential what I don't know..til the next post! ciao ba-by
Sunday, May 22, 2005
Singapore Sling
I've been out of commission for a week. Was off to brunei to hug the trees before they cut them down. Even including in our report how they should set aside a 'sanctuary' for corporate social responsibility. Its tree hugging disguised as a selling point. I'm getting good at this. Still somewhat overwhelming, but getting the hang of it more or less.
My weekend was great. I stayed over night in Singapore and I tell you, Manila is just..lost. I don't mean in infrastructure, politics, lifestyle and all that jazz..I mean in the variety of people you can meet. Manila is cookie cutter country. We have a few molds and one batch of dough and you either become a socialite (by background) a socialite (by skill but this is to be determined by the socialites themselves), A social climber (usually those who marry into money or white...you choose), the poor (who will stay poor because its easier than trying to change), the worker ant (who will always be an employee and never an employer due to the lack of effort)..and the dramatic..but I think drama is mixed in the dough already.
I was sitting last night talking to a few friends and one girl could not STOP talking about herself and her family (oh how prestigous they are).. I wanted to get up and just leave..considering she is actually a somewhat nice girl..but still..woman.,..move along! I guess this can also be brough upon the fact that I have issues at the moment and didn't want to hear inane crap..but anyway...this is actually leading to something.
SO yes, Singapore, friday night at the local irish pub..and I tell you, here, you are no one. In Manila you may be the most well known actor, model, scientist, fashionista, metrosexual..but in singapore you are just you. Its the same in the UK and even in the states if you keep away from the 'disney' crowd- those who moved from Manila and gravitate around each other.
I was actually talking to a very good friend of mine the other week about the bliss of being no one else where..No social class, no mold to fit in, no pressures...
Suffice to say I had fun in singapore..it was fun, wild and full of shopping. I drank copious amounts of alcohol (thanks to Kev), saw the sun rise from the balcony of Orchard Parade, and beat a local shark at pool..how much better could that have been?
My weekend was great. I stayed over night in Singapore and I tell you, Manila is just..lost. I don't mean in infrastructure, politics, lifestyle and all that jazz..I mean in the variety of people you can meet. Manila is cookie cutter country. We have a few molds and one batch of dough and you either become a socialite (by background) a socialite (by skill but this is to be determined by the socialites themselves), A social climber (usually those who marry into money or white...you choose), the poor (who will stay poor because its easier than trying to change), the worker ant (who will always be an employee and never an employer due to the lack of effort)..and the dramatic..but I think drama is mixed in the dough already.
I was sitting last night talking to a few friends and one girl could not STOP talking about herself and her family (oh how prestigous they are).. I wanted to get up and just leave..considering she is actually a somewhat nice girl..but still..woman.,..move along! I guess this can also be brough upon the fact that I have issues at the moment and didn't want to hear inane crap..but anyway...this is actually leading to something.
SO yes, Singapore, friday night at the local irish pub..and I tell you, here, you are no one. In Manila you may be the most well known actor, model, scientist, fashionista, metrosexual..but in singapore you are just you. Its the same in the UK and even in the states if you keep away from the 'disney' crowd- those who moved from Manila and gravitate around each other.
I was actually talking to a very good friend of mine the other week about the bliss of being no one else where..No social class, no mold to fit in, no pressures...
Suffice to say I had fun in singapore..it was fun, wild and full of shopping. I drank copious amounts of alcohol (thanks to Kev), saw the sun rise from the balcony of Orchard Parade, and beat a local shark at pool..how much better could that have been?
Friday, May 13, 2005
Change over time
I'm a scientist. I always try to view things in a very logical, scientific manner...but since I am female (no complaints please!) I am also quite emotional..so go figure...a scientific emotional approach is my usual mode of operation...Depending on the situation at hand it can change from scientific emotional to emotionally scientific.
My boyfriend and I just broke up. After about6 years of dating each other, making plans for the future, standing my ground against my stubborn, opinionated, racist and demanding parents, we break up.
I'm not going into the why's and wherefore's because everyone has their reasons. What I want to talk about is trends...(scientist here) Everything has a trend...even things that you think are random have trends. El nino has a trend..people take the trouble to do surveys to identify changes over time..changes in coral assemblage, changes in community structure, changes in dead coral and dead coral with algae, changes in faunal assemblage of mangroves...but most importantly, people should survey changes in their lives. Usually this is done on ones birthday when they reach past the age of parties. You reflect about your life, what you have done, who have you touched...who's life have you ruined...that kind of thing.
But again, in science, you do things in intervals...and i think the life survey should be done in shorter intervals...not yearly, but quarterly and during times of rapid change.
But emotionally, why need the survey..just live life to the fullest and take the shots as they come (preferably not in the chest)..
The reason why you do the survey is so that you know or you can predict when the shots will come..but then again, it doesn't exactly hurt any less no matter how prepared you are.
So what to do? Scientific or emotional? I go both ways..throw yourself in and live in the moment but do periodical surveys to assess where you are at the given time..so that you can prepare yourself for the moment you have been dreading and wallow in the unhappiness that you knew was coming..
Happy thoughts from an unhappy girl.
My boyfriend and I just broke up. After about6 years of dating each other, making plans for the future, standing my ground against my stubborn, opinionated, racist and demanding parents, we break up.
I'm not going into the why's and wherefore's because everyone has their reasons. What I want to talk about is trends...(scientist here) Everything has a trend...even things that you think are random have trends. El nino has a trend..people take the trouble to do surveys to identify changes over time..changes in coral assemblage, changes in community structure, changes in dead coral and dead coral with algae, changes in faunal assemblage of mangroves...but most importantly, people should survey changes in their lives. Usually this is done on ones birthday when they reach past the age of parties. You reflect about your life, what you have done, who have you touched...who's life have you ruined...that kind of thing.
But again, in science, you do things in intervals...and i think the life survey should be done in shorter intervals...not yearly, but quarterly and during times of rapid change.
But emotionally, why need the survey..just live life to the fullest and take the shots as they come (preferably not in the chest)..
The reason why you do the survey is so that you know or you can predict when the shots will come..but then again, it doesn't exactly hurt any less no matter how prepared you are.
So what to do? Scientific or emotional? I go both ways..throw yourself in and live in the moment but do periodical surveys to assess where you are at the given time..so that you can prepare yourself for the moment you have been dreading and wallow in the unhappiness that you knew was coming..
Happy thoughts from an unhappy girl.
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