For the past few days I've been thinking about making a post..what kind of update, do I talk about my lack of time to plan the wedding? Do I talk about how happy I am (booorrinngg), do I talk about my cutie dog?..I couldn't think, so I let it sit.
Last night in bed, I had trouble sleeping. Well, I normally have trouble, but last night was more than usual..but then, instead of trying to sleep I got to thinking for some reason about 5 years ago, March 2005.
Some memories are vivid, some are so hazy, not sure if that is intentional because the vivid ones INCLUDE the bad ones.
I remember the day I was called. Can't remember who called me na, was it Mel? Was it Daddy? I was on the supercat from Dumaguete to Cebu, it was just about to leave. 10 mins later and I wouldn't have gotten the call to make the flight home. I got to Cebu, I packed a back pack and jumped on the flight to Manila. I do remember that it was Mel who picked me up, and took me straight to Asian. I do remember that Marissa and I were 'fighting' again, but she called me after I left her a message of 'I wouldn't call you right now if it wasn't important'...I know that day changed the lives of at least 9 people, 10 including me.
I lived in Asian Hospital from November 27 to January 4. I think I left all of 3 days, for a maximum of 8 hours (including sleeping time)except for the day of Naomi's wedding. I do recall vividly that while in the ICU, I slept an average of 2 hours per day, and that I had a good friend there with me, doing exactly the same thing.
I knew the menu of the food of skyline catering by heart. I was checking her blood pressure every half an hour. I remember trying to alleviate the load of my parents..though I did this for two reasons, one of which was selfish..I couldn't handle it if I had two people ill, one was enough for now thanks. The other being I wanted to save my parents the pain of every small detail..which I think I did, and am glad I did...I remember taking the valium instead of giving it to my mother, and Nette taking the other one that the doctor gave for mommy too.
My life is not the chaos it used to be. If you had asked me then would I be in Laos working for the biggest Hydro project (multi purpose project) thats being touted as the 'project to follow' with regards to environmental and social safeguards in place..I would have laughed. I mean, hello, LAND LOCKED! If you had asked me then would I be getting married soon to someone not from home or from my circle, I would have surely scoffed at that too, because I would have never imagined to live so far from my friends, my people..
I was lucky though, because I tackled my life issues as if it were a scientific experiment, something that starts with a hypothesis, a set of parameters and a problem that just needed the right formula to be solved.
I would never wish that someone go through what I went through. And no, I'm not trying to over sensationalize my feelings, as if its all about *me*..it's not. It was about all of us.
And though my life may no longer be in chaos, I still have those moments in bed thinking about that time, and it really has scarred me for life. I still feel the pain in my chest when I think too hard, and still feel tears when I picture things in my head.
It's my sister's birthday in a week. It's been five years since all hell broke loose in our house, and it may not be back to normal, but I can't say I am not proud of my sister who now works, who had a life schedule, who gets stuff done. I can't say I haven't been critical, especially since I feel as if I have lost out the most (my perspective)..I can't say that I don't expect more from her just BECAUSE she is my sister, the daughter of my father. We are products of hard working earnest people, so I do have high expectations of her and myself. We are not half assed, we are do or don't. Perhaps the time will come when I will accept that its not 'we' its 'me'..but I am not there yet.
But for now, its time for a cease fire, as we are going to celebrate life and love and survival. We have survived. We have risen from the ashes stronger, more determined, more real and tangible..happy birthday Sparks!
This is my life. With all its dramas, all its cliff hangers, all its dull moments, everything.. I appreciate my life and the people I share it with. And that includes you. so thank you, for being there, either in thought, action or truancy. I am okay because of you.
Friday, March 27, 2009
Monday, August 25, 2008
An old friend
I don't know if I ever got to thank him. Maybe he thinks that I didn't appreciate all the time and attention he gave me when I needed a friend, I surely hope he does because without him, I could have easily imploded and not chosen the path that I have and things could be different now.
I am hesitant by nature. I am, analysis paralysis. I have issues, from the past and the present, and well, I know this clouds judgement.
At the time when I was still thinking 'will I or won't I' I re-connected with a friend of mine from grade school/middle school--Dana.
He walked me through my dramas, and emotions and well, everything actually, and in the end, I came out a little more clear headed, a little more determined and a little less afraid..
Some days, you just need to thank your lucky stars for friends like these..because they are one in a million.
And everyone needs a friend like this in their lives.
Thanks Dana, I'm not lying when I say you are a life saver.
I am hesitant by nature. I am, analysis paralysis. I have issues, from the past and the present, and well, I know this clouds judgement.
At the time when I was still thinking 'will I or won't I' I re-connected with a friend of mine from grade school/middle school--Dana.
He walked me through my dramas, and emotions and well, everything actually, and in the end, I came out a little more clear headed, a little more determined and a little less afraid..
Some days, you just need to thank your lucky stars for friends like these..because they are one in a million.
And everyone needs a friend like this in their lives.
Thanks Dana, I'm not lying when I say you are a life saver.
Thursday, July 17, 2008
Haiku
Red orange yellow
The sun shines brightly on you
Hope springs eternal
this haiku of mine is somewhat representative of everyday these days.. Don't get me wrong..am still dark, broody, cynical yet optimistic ming...but well, hehehe, yeah.
Today is the first day of Buddhist lent. I did catholic lent, ash wednesday to sacrificing 6 things for 40 days...though sorry mommy, didn't do the passion and the visita iglesia., and now its Buddhist lent, which runs for 3 months, and again, I decided to give up a few things to gain more clarity.
I'm feeling a little tired, possibly from my crazy weekend. I went home for mommy's surgery, which went well, but sleeping in the chair at Makati Med for 3 nights (4 days-- parang hotel booking) is surely no club med experience...but the lack of sleep was fine as I got to hang with my bro, my cousins, my parents...see my crappy dogs who are really, so cute..and see some friends..thanks for visiting me at the hospital you guys. In the 4 days I was home, I saw my room and my house all of 5 hours I think..but its alright..at least I got mommy in and out of the hospital, safe and sound.
As I got out the car at the NAIA terminal, I felt a kick ass pang of homesickness..I looked back and daddy was waving at me from the car, and I wanted to cry...because I miss my people so much. I am soooo looking forward to christmas.
Back to my haiku. I read a blog today, Zharine's, and you know, its been 15 years since high school graduation..does time fly or what? But i have no regrets...life brings you challenges and blessings, and its what you make out of it that counts..so live every day like its a new day bearing in mind that you should hold yourself accountable for all your actions and reactions.
So, if I can ask all my friends/family who read this entry of mine, to give a little love and kindness, to someone, to anyone..give someone you care about a hug, a real one that says you are really here, or help someone in need...and (but ofcourse) show some kindness to the world that we live in, throw your garbage properly or advise someone else to do the same..or turn lights off when you leave a space...
hugs from here :)
The sun shines brightly on you
Hope springs eternal
this haiku of mine is somewhat representative of everyday these days.. Don't get me wrong..am still dark, broody, cynical yet optimistic ming...but well, hehehe, yeah.
Today is the first day of Buddhist lent. I did catholic lent, ash wednesday to sacrificing 6 things for 40 days...though sorry mommy, didn't do the passion and the visita iglesia., and now its Buddhist lent, which runs for 3 months, and again, I decided to give up a few things to gain more clarity.
I'm feeling a little tired, possibly from my crazy weekend. I went home for mommy's surgery, which went well, but sleeping in the chair at Makati Med for 3 nights (4 days-- parang hotel booking) is surely no club med experience...but the lack of sleep was fine as I got to hang with my bro, my cousins, my parents...see my crappy dogs who are really, so cute..and see some friends..thanks for visiting me at the hospital you guys. In the 4 days I was home, I saw my room and my house all of 5 hours I think..but its alright..at least I got mommy in and out of the hospital, safe and sound.
As I got out the car at the NAIA terminal, I felt a kick ass pang of homesickness..I looked back and daddy was waving at me from the car, and I wanted to cry...because I miss my people so much. I am soooo looking forward to christmas.
Back to my haiku. I read a blog today, Zharine's, and you know, its been 15 years since high school graduation..does time fly or what? But i have no regrets...life brings you challenges and blessings, and its what you make out of it that counts..so live every day like its a new day bearing in mind that you should hold yourself accountable for all your actions and reactions.
So, if I can ask all my friends/family who read this entry of mine, to give a little love and kindness, to someone, to anyone..give someone you care about a hug, a real one that says you are really here, or help someone in need...and (but ofcourse) show some kindness to the world that we live in, throw your garbage properly or advise someone else to do the same..or turn lights off when you leave a space...
hugs from here :)
Thursday, February 14, 2008
Common denominators
We learned about common denominators in maths, a very long time ago..and back then, from memory, I was in the 'slow at maths' section since I hated numbers (and still somewhat do), with Mrs. Nutter (whom I saw on Oprah a few years back, can't remember what she was doing on Oprah though!)..but you know..if only they taught us about common denominators differently, I might have gotten it..and am going to make a laughable attempt now.
Common denominators are necessary to relate one item to another. Like apples and oranges. They are different, but they have a few common denominators. They are both fruit, and you can count them (depending on how many there are of each) and though there are differences, you can say you have 5 pieces of fruit, no need to know if they are apples or oranges.
Friendships have common denominators too, like you are all crazy, or all spoiled little f#$%s, or all girls, or all football players.. I have a common denominator base with all the people in my life.
So, as I now move into a new box called 'ming in a relationship' with all new subfolders and new chances to colour code shit, its nice to know two of our common denominators:
1. We are both extremely serious people
2. We are both extremely fun people
How these two are antonyms and still be present in one, and be found in two..how cute.
We have more ofcourse but no need for those details right now..
Ha ha ha, ofcourse I am being cheesy, I'm in love!
Common denominators are necessary to relate one item to another. Like apples and oranges. They are different, but they have a few common denominators. They are both fruit, and you can count them (depending on how many there are of each) and though there are differences, you can say you have 5 pieces of fruit, no need to know if they are apples or oranges.
Friendships have common denominators too, like you are all crazy, or all spoiled little f#$%s, or all girls, or all football players.. I have a common denominator base with all the people in my life.
So, as I now move into a new box called 'ming in a relationship' with all new subfolders and new chances to colour code shit, its nice to know two of our common denominators:
1. We are both extremely serious people
2. We are both extremely fun people
How these two are antonyms and still be present in one, and be found in two..how cute.
We have more ofcourse but no need for those details right now..
Ha ha ha, ofcourse I am being cheesy, I'm in love!
Friday, February 01, 2008
Preparations
I am usually prepared, but sometimes, you can catch me unaware, and somehow those things that catch me unaware can kinda take my breath away.
Today, I was made to realize (which is different from comprehend) that I may be a marine biologist, but there is a high probability that I will never practice that skill as a professional again. That is, unless, right now, right this month, I cut and run and go academe, go full on research or go do my PhD.
It's been my dream to do all that, and i have, I did, I was happy, it was great,...I love the sea, i love reasearch...I didn't even WANT to deal with people, I wanted to be a lab person, dealing with pipettes and beakers and samples and theories..
But somehow, my world was directed towards resource management and project management, still with the environment but not so marine.
I always used to say that you would be lucky to get paid to do what you love, and if you don't get to do what you love, do it when you can, like weekends and holidays, because this is what keeps the spark.
But I can't seriously complain can I..I am still in the same storm, just on a different side, just with different challenges and issues, but still, its a job with passion and a job with consequences..its important, not just to me, or the corporation, or the government, but for the people that I make decisions for..like livelihood plans and information dissemination. People's lives depend on decisions that I am involved in making..and I can't sniff at that..
Some idiot said recently that I kiss corporate ass...me? of all people..if you only knew! I'm so anti corporation, so pro development and capacity building, am so anti commerce, its crazy to be accused of something I am not..but I believe I have learned how to deal with criticism with grace now, not so hot headed (was I ever?) and not too passionate that I am labeled a tree hugger or a fish kisser..Im more realistic, more goal oriented, that you have to be strategic to get to your goals...just as long as you get to them...
So yeah, I wasn't prepared for this realization today. My boss/co-worker said today 'trust me, its true, you will never work as a researcher for marine science now, you are more than that and you have a new direction, I am an engineer and I had to face that I will never design a bridge ever again"-- I was caught unaware with this thought, and I thought I was prepared for most things these days..
Life never ceases to surprise me.
But I am stubborn and optimistic. I know me. I could still work in my chosen field...the question is, do I want to just because its what I want to do, or do I follow where my career seems to think I am needed?
ON TOP of this, I surely wasn't prepared to fall in love, but like l said, life never ceases to surprise me,...
Today, I was made to realize (which is different from comprehend) that I may be a marine biologist, but there is a high probability that I will never practice that skill as a professional again. That is, unless, right now, right this month, I cut and run and go academe, go full on research or go do my PhD.
It's been my dream to do all that, and i have, I did, I was happy, it was great,...I love the sea, i love reasearch...I didn't even WANT to deal with people, I wanted to be a lab person, dealing with pipettes and beakers and samples and theories..
But somehow, my world was directed towards resource management and project management, still with the environment but not so marine.
I always used to say that you would be lucky to get paid to do what you love, and if you don't get to do what you love, do it when you can, like weekends and holidays, because this is what keeps the spark.
But I can't seriously complain can I..I am still in the same storm, just on a different side, just with different challenges and issues, but still, its a job with passion and a job with consequences..its important, not just to me, or the corporation, or the government, but for the people that I make decisions for..like livelihood plans and information dissemination. People's lives depend on decisions that I am involved in making..and I can't sniff at that..
Some idiot said recently that I kiss corporate ass...me? of all people..if you only knew! I'm so anti corporation, so pro development and capacity building, am so anti commerce, its crazy to be accused of something I am not..but I believe I have learned how to deal with criticism with grace now, not so hot headed (was I ever?) and not too passionate that I am labeled a tree hugger or a fish kisser..Im more realistic, more goal oriented, that you have to be strategic to get to your goals...just as long as you get to them...
So yeah, I wasn't prepared for this realization today. My boss/co-worker said today 'trust me, its true, you will never work as a researcher for marine science now, you are more than that and you have a new direction, I am an engineer and I had to face that I will never design a bridge ever again"-- I was caught unaware with this thought, and I thought I was prepared for most things these days..
Life never ceases to surprise me.
But I am stubborn and optimistic. I know me. I could still work in my chosen field...the question is, do I want to just because its what I want to do, or do I follow where my career seems to think I am needed?
ON TOP of this, I surely wasn't prepared to fall in love, but like l said, life never ceases to surprise me,...
Tuesday, January 22, 2008
High School Love
This blog is of limited circulation, because at the moment I am using it more as a platform to share how I actually feel about something, and I don't have (you) my friends here to give me their comments, to make fun of me, or give me advice and all that...so, your comments and jokes are totally welcome as I need to feel like I have you to talk to this about here, as I go through this daily..(especially your jokes, I could certainly use some levity in this situation!)
I haven't fallen out of love with my ipod, but I would be lying if I didn't say my attention has refocused somewhat, elsewhere..
No, I'm not here to blog about who he is and why I like him. I want to focus on this high school feeling that can be good in some ways, but seriously suck in others.
I feel like I am having an asthma attack and ill in general...
Shortness of breath? CHECK
Light headed-ness? CHECK
Lack of concentration? CHECK
Loss of appetite? CHECK
Lack of sleep? (super) CHECK
Nauseous? CHECK
It sucks double because I am usually so logical, so in control, so restrictive about my emotions..and I feel so unsure about how to react, how to converse...its seriously driving me crazy!
But I can't dispute that sometimes, this also feels good..because I am finally (?) ready to relate to someone new and its good to feel :)
Alright alright, it feels good okay? I feel like a kid, not knowing what to do, what to say.
Yesterday, on our way back to GML, he offered me an apple. There were 4 of us, and he came up to me and said, would you like an apple?
Such a simple question, where, if anyone else said it to me, would not make me feel queasy and light headed..
Why does this feel so high school!
I haven't fallen out of love with my ipod, but I would be lying if I didn't say my attention has refocused somewhat, elsewhere..
No, I'm not here to blog about who he is and why I like him. I want to focus on this high school feeling that can be good in some ways, but seriously suck in others.
I feel like I am having an asthma attack and ill in general...
Shortness of breath? CHECK
Light headed-ness? CHECK
Lack of concentration? CHECK
Loss of appetite? CHECK
Lack of sleep? (super) CHECK
Nauseous? CHECK
It sucks double because I am usually so logical, so in control, so restrictive about my emotions..and I feel so unsure about how to react, how to converse...its seriously driving me crazy!
But I can't dispute that sometimes, this also feels good..because I am finally (?) ready to relate to someone new and its good to feel :)
Alright alright, it feels good okay? I feel like a kid, not knowing what to do, what to say.
Yesterday, on our way back to GML, he offered me an apple. There were 4 of us, and he came up to me and said, would you like an apple?
Such a simple question, where, if anyone else said it to me, would not make me feel queasy and light headed..
Why does this feel so high school!
Monday, November 19, 2007
Friction
Things change every day. how many times have we been told in this life that the only thing in life that is constant, is change (well, and death and taxes or something)...
Friction and drama only occurs when you resist change, when you can't let it flow like water off a duck's back..
I was discussing plans with a friend of mine today and the 'ming not having a plan' was something he thought alien, since I always have a plan (well, I do, a general one, not a specific action plan for now..ha ha ha) and he said
'I think people who don't make plans live happier lives'
I disagreed. It's only the anal plans that are too rigid and the people who make these plans that get bent out of shape when things don't go 'according to plan' that have issues, that aren't too happy.
So I said
"hmmm, I don't think so. I think somewhat planned is good, just as long as you are happy with the general plan, and if you don't get all anal when plans change...changing plans are okay, its resisting the change that causes all the drama"
I'm happy. Happier than I have been in 4 years. M said today that I am more relaxed than when I first arrived, i seem more centered, more happy. I am. It wasn't the leaving home or being sick and tired of being home that I needed to get away from. It was the needing quiet time, me time, reflection time..its like going to YE in high school, for that weekend to reflect upon your life..but this one, I had to actually work at the same time (because life doesn't stop when tragedy strikes), but its alright..I had the me time...so now, I'm all good.
Sooo, to you out there, who may be plan free, or over planned, or anally planned. This one's for you.
Life is short, and unless you are Buddhist, you only get one go. Make plans to inspire you, use plans and goals to drive you, but never let them rule your life, and change strategies when you have to..
I'm fulfilled by doing my part in life, how about you?
Friction and drama only occurs when you resist change, when you can't let it flow like water off a duck's back..
I was discussing plans with a friend of mine today and the 'ming not having a plan' was something he thought alien, since I always have a plan (well, I do, a general one, not a specific action plan for now..ha ha ha) and he said
'I think people who don't make plans live happier lives'
I disagreed. It's only the anal plans that are too rigid and the people who make these plans that get bent out of shape when things don't go 'according to plan' that have issues, that aren't too happy.
So I said
"hmmm, I don't think so. I think somewhat planned is good, just as long as you are happy with the general plan, and if you don't get all anal when plans change...changing plans are okay, its resisting the change that causes all the drama"
I'm happy. Happier than I have been in 4 years. M said today that I am more relaxed than when I first arrived, i seem more centered, more happy. I am. It wasn't the leaving home or being sick and tired of being home that I needed to get away from. It was the needing quiet time, me time, reflection time..its like going to YE in high school, for that weekend to reflect upon your life..but this one, I had to actually work at the same time (because life doesn't stop when tragedy strikes), but its alright..I had the me time...so now, I'm all good.
Sooo, to you out there, who may be plan free, or over planned, or anally planned. This one's for you.
Life is short, and unless you are Buddhist, you only get one go. Make plans to inspire you, use plans and goals to drive you, but never let them rule your life, and change strategies when you have to..
I'm fulfilled by doing my part in life, how about you?
Sunday, November 04, 2007
Timing
You have to admit..that sometimes, timing can be everything.
I learned a few years back, that you need to have a few things aligned to create a window of opportunity. This works both for work and for life in general.
Many years ago (vague obviously for a reason) I met this guy. I was in a slightly complicated stage in my life (well, more confused than complicated). He, on the other hand, was in a MORE complicated/confused state. A recipe for disaster.
The thing is it was all good.. Good friends, good times, good vibes, good laughs....
I have to say that if we were in a more lucid state, we would have either recognized the state of it all and maintained the friendship only, or taken it to a more steady level..but as timing had it..after all the dust settled, we had nothing, just a chasm and 'common' friends.
Within the past X years, we've seen each other here and there, exchanging quick hellos to keep up appearances, but anyone who knew us, must have noticed the change in status..and I have to say I felt the difference, and I would imagine he would have too. I'm sure he must have felt the fact that one of his best friends became mine too, possibly from his point of view, replacing him..but that wasn't the case.
I'm thankful that I met one through the other, but one surely doesn't equal the other...
I was angry for a time..because I felt jipped out of my friendship but after x years (and heavy discussions with significant others) i was already at the stage where I thought it was time to mend fences..but the opportunity wasn't there, and the timing was never right.
Life has been chaotic for the past few years..but things had started to settle again, and I was somewhat out of my 'cloud'
And so, recently, a window of opportunity presented itself, and it seemed, for both of us, the timing was right.
When I first got there I was wondering if we'd be able to sort things out this time round..I was there, he was there, with our friends. We said hello and I *think* he gave me a hug...We had dinner, we hit the town and went to some funky bars then we all had breakfast together. A few days later we also all had lunch, and what I thought might have been a one day fluke, wasn't. I figured, yeah, maybe we were okay again.
What really hit home with me was when he (and ofcourse his/my best friend) came over the night before I left (or was it two nights before?)..which was signature him, since the last time we were 'friends' he stayed til the sun came up, half asleep, talking and laughing.
At long last, we were friends again.
We didn't really talk about this until last week, when he saw me on ym, and said something about putting me in his little black book (he was asking for my details) and i said that I had already made it into that book..didn't I?
He asked if I had regrets, and I said no. Regrets about what? Us being friends? not at all. About the good steady friendship that we had? No way. About all the other things that complicated the already complicated situation? No.
Life is all about living and I have no regrets. He was (is) the best of friends...he would drive hours to come get me, and drive hours back to take me home. Everything was funny and he is one of the sweetest guys I have ever met in my life...
He apologized profusely, and I told him that there is nothing to say sorry about anymore...
You know how they say that time heals all wounds? It's not true. Though time is a factor, there are many other factors that you need to put in place to create your own window of opportunity...and forgiving yourself is one of those things as is forgiving other people.
We are only human.
And knowing all these things, talking about it to settle the issues and regaining my center?
Well, somehow, all that happened last week, and that, my friends, is timing.
I learned a few years back, that you need to have a few things aligned to create a window of opportunity. This works both for work and for life in general.
Many years ago (vague obviously for a reason) I met this guy. I was in a slightly complicated stage in my life (well, more confused than complicated). He, on the other hand, was in a MORE complicated/confused state. A recipe for disaster.
The thing is it was all good.. Good friends, good times, good vibes, good laughs....
I have to say that if we were in a more lucid state, we would have either recognized the state of it all and maintained the friendship only, or taken it to a more steady level..but as timing had it..after all the dust settled, we had nothing, just a chasm and 'common' friends.
Within the past X years, we've seen each other here and there, exchanging quick hellos to keep up appearances, but anyone who knew us, must have noticed the change in status..and I have to say I felt the difference, and I would imagine he would have too. I'm sure he must have felt the fact that one of his best friends became mine too, possibly from his point of view, replacing him..but that wasn't the case.
I'm thankful that I met one through the other, but one surely doesn't equal the other...
I was angry for a time..because I felt jipped out of my friendship but after x years (and heavy discussions with significant others) i was already at the stage where I thought it was time to mend fences..but the opportunity wasn't there, and the timing was never right.
Life has been chaotic for the past few years..but things had started to settle again, and I was somewhat out of my 'cloud'
And so, recently, a window of opportunity presented itself, and it seemed, for both of us, the timing was right.
When I first got there I was wondering if we'd be able to sort things out this time round..I was there, he was there, with our friends. We said hello and I *think* he gave me a hug...We had dinner, we hit the town and went to some funky bars then we all had breakfast together. A few days later we also all had lunch, and what I thought might have been a one day fluke, wasn't. I figured, yeah, maybe we were okay again.
What really hit home with me was when he (and ofcourse his/my best friend) came over the night before I left (or was it two nights before?)..which was signature him, since the last time we were 'friends' he stayed til the sun came up, half asleep, talking and laughing.
At long last, we were friends again.
We didn't really talk about this until last week, when he saw me on ym, and said something about putting me in his little black book (he was asking for my details) and i said that I had already made it into that book..didn't I?
He asked if I had regrets, and I said no. Regrets about what? Us being friends? not at all. About the good steady friendship that we had? No way. About all the other things that complicated the already complicated situation? No.
Life is all about living and I have no regrets. He was (is) the best of friends...he would drive hours to come get me, and drive hours back to take me home. Everything was funny and he is one of the sweetest guys I have ever met in my life...
He apologized profusely, and I told him that there is nothing to say sorry about anymore...
You know how they say that time heals all wounds? It's not true. Though time is a factor, there are many other factors that you need to put in place to create your own window of opportunity...and forgiving yourself is one of those things as is forgiving other people.
We are only human.
And knowing all these things, talking about it to settle the issues and regaining my center?
Well, somehow, all that happened last week, and that, my friends, is timing.
Thursday, November 01, 2007
Instead of timing, I give you 'sayad'
how annoying.
I wrote this expressive blog, about how timing can make such a difference..and it didn't save..grrr.
But see, I still want to share the kwento..I need to gather my thoughts again on that, so for now..you'll get 'sayad'
We get exposed to sooo many things in this life. So many people, so many influences, so many situations. The difference between being juvenile and mature is how you handle the different situations. I don't talk about being young and old..i'm talking about melodrama and sayad, I'm talking about knowing when you are moody and being selective on who sees it. I'm talking about causing drama and deciding that you don't want to be involved in the drama.
Now, in Laos, just like anywhere in rural Asia, women *need* to get married early, and ofcourse, the token single foreign boy is the best way 'out'. Sometimes its amusing, to see girls flirt and try to be coy. Just as long as I don't get pulled into anything, I don't mind. But when you single me out and then try to use psychological foolishness to get to the boy I live with..dude..I'm pinoy man, we can smell home made drama a mile away!
Not only did this girl want to meet and catch up with me--which was fine--instead of being actually shy about asking about him, or being direct..she went all funky drama weirdo on me. The last girl that seemed this dramatic was the sister of one of my neighbors)
Then, I had to have dinner with her too..this was kinda my fault. M and I had tentative plans to try out this nice Thai restaurant, but I messed it up and it ended up us three..which actually was fine with me..but dude..she acted even weirder. As in, when he would ask a question, she would go all telenovela and glance left and right and fidget and then just look at me. Then Marcel and I were talking about reading, and he asked her if she reads books about Laos, because he likes to, and she said 'why would i read books about Laos, Ming do you read books about the Philippines?'..I just said 'Uhh, don't use me as your gauge, I read everything'.. Marcel dropped me at my guesthouse, and we talked about how odd she was..and then later on she called me asking if 'she was acting strange' (which, we already established by this stage) and I said 'yeah' and she said something like 'oh, well, marcel makes me act strange, his presence alone makes me act strange' and I thought 'puta, this girl is reallly strange!' (and manipulative)
Next day M and I met with my lao best friend, who told us all the weird stuff this girl does at the office, and how seriously manipulative she is..and M said that she called him last night and she shared how 'He flustered her and his mere presence astounded her'--seriously now.. so I told him she called me too..and that just made the whole thing seem foolish. (he thought he was like the hottest thing since sliced cheese)
I can't really go into detail about how weird she was, but suffice to say, I know weird when I see weird, and mannnnn, this girl..sayad talaga.
The sad thing is, what makes her this way? Why is she manipulative and why does she thrive on drama? The good thing is, I am mature enough to know that a)its not my problem and b)i should avoid her at all costs.
*sayad, in tagalog means to grate or brush against something, usually the ground. like if your skirt brushes against the ground, it's 'making' sayad. In this context, its your brain that hits the ground, therefore you are slightly off center, at 50% or a fruit loop.
I wrote this expressive blog, about how timing can make such a difference..and it didn't save..grrr.
But see, I still want to share the kwento..I need to gather my thoughts again on that, so for now..you'll get 'sayad'
We get exposed to sooo many things in this life. So many people, so many influences, so many situations. The difference between being juvenile and mature is how you handle the different situations. I don't talk about being young and old..i'm talking about melodrama and sayad, I'm talking about knowing when you are moody and being selective on who sees it. I'm talking about causing drama and deciding that you don't want to be involved in the drama.
Now, in Laos, just like anywhere in rural Asia, women *need* to get married early, and ofcourse, the token single foreign boy is the best way 'out'. Sometimes its amusing, to see girls flirt and try to be coy. Just as long as I don't get pulled into anything, I don't mind. But when you single me out and then try to use psychological foolishness to get to the boy I live with..dude..I'm pinoy man, we can smell home made drama a mile away!
Not only did this girl want to meet and catch up with me--which was fine--instead of being actually shy about asking about him, or being direct..she went all funky drama weirdo on me. The last girl that seemed this dramatic was the sister of one of my neighbors)
Then, I had to have dinner with her too..this was kinda my fault. M and I had tentative plans to try out this nice Thai restaurant, but I messed it up and it ended up us three..which actually was fine with me..but dude..she acted even weirder. As in, when he would ask a question, she would go all telenovela and glance left and right and fidget and then just look at me. Then Marcel and I were talking about reading, and he asked her if she reads books about Laos, because he likes to, and she said 'why would i read books about Laos, Ming do you read books about the Philippines?'..I just said 'Uhh, don't use me as your gauge, I read everything'.. Marcel dropped me at my guesthouse, and we talked about how odd she was..and then later on she called me asking if 'she was acting strange' (which, we already established by this stage) and I said 'yeah' and she said something like 'oh, well, marcel makes me act strange, his presence alone makes me act strange' and I thought 'puta, this girl is reallly strange!' (and manipulative)
Next day M and I met with my lao best friend, who told us all the weird stuff this girl does at the office, and how seriously manipulative she is..and M said that she called him last night and she shared how 'He flustered her and his mere presence astounded her'--seriously now.. so I told him she called me too..and that just made the whole thing seem foolish. (he thought he was like the hottest thing since sliced cheese)
I can't really go into detail about how weird she was, but suffice to say, I know weird when I see weird, and mannnnn, this girl..sayad talaga.
The sad thing is, what makes her this way? Why is she manipulative and why does she thrive on drama? The good thing is, I am mature enough to know that a)its not my problem and b)i should avoid her at all costs.
*sayad, in tagalog means to grate or brush against something, usually the ground. like if your skirt brushes against the ground, it's 'making' sayad. In this context, its your brain that hits the ground, therefore you are slightly off center, at 50% or a fruit loop.
Tuesday, October 16, 2007
The deadly sins
I watched a movie over the weekend..blood diamond.
Have you seen this? I have actually put off watching it because I wasn't in the right frame of mind last week to watch a potentially serious movie (since I didn't really know what it was about, other than the conflict diamond twist)..but when I did see it..shucks, I know I am already an activist..but man, this cause demands some attention.
Now I would encourage my friends to watch this movie, because it should change your point of view regarding that ring you plan to buy for your fiance, or the ring that you aim to get from your fiance, or that gorgeous tennis bracelet/pair of earrings that you have always had your eye on..waiting for the day that you can 'buy it for yourself'
I admit, I am one of these girls..no, not the OTT ring from the spouse to be, but the I want to buy something nice for myself when I can afford it..it was a toss up between a tennis bracelet and a watch..but at least now if I get myself the bracelet, i know to ask my jeweler the right questions to make sure I am not playing a part in the conflict in other parts of the world.
Anyway, this movie seriously hit a nerve with me..because we imagine that we live in 'peacetime' as compared to world war status, but really, there are sooo many countries in conflict..the worst ones taking on child soldiers, ripping them from their families, drugging them and making them do the worst things..this is a crime..we are bad enough as a world letting children go hungry, child prostitution, pedophilia..and even worse is that parents themselves can be the bad role models that create weird people who have children too..its a vicious cycle....its just too sad.
I like to think that I am jaded, and cynical..hardened by the harsh things I have seen in this world. I've met people who are not good. People that hurt other people intentionally, people who manipulate situations, people who take advantage of other people..but I guess I should be glad that I haven't been exposed to extreme atrocities directly...but you know..at the end of the day, I feel naive at times..i ask stupid questions like 'why are people so greedy' or 'why are people so envious of others', like I seriously cannot understand it..and so I asked M last night, are these emotions (greed, envy, anger..etc-- in relation to the deadly sins) natural or are they brought about by social pressures/situations? and he said, all emotions are natural but some are emphasized as the child grows up..some naturally, some not..some brought about by experiences, some by how you see other people deal with or react to certain things..What makes someone greedy? What makes someone abuse power? (shucks, I just thought of politicians there for a sec, but I won't go into that)
Two babies are sitting in one cot, you pick one up..the other one left in the cot cries. Is this envy? I guess it is at some basic level..They are not envious of the other child, they just want to be carried too..what happens though is some adult will say 'ha ha child, you are not as wanted as the other child', some foolish person directs the envy towards another human being.. I know its not this simple, but it could be..which is just..sad.
Yeah, I know, this is a rambling blog with a lot of unhappy things..but I would like to imagine that there are more people who care than don't.
Have you seen this? I have actually put off watching it because I wasn't in the right frame of mind last week to watch a potentially serious movie (since I didn't really know what it was about, other than the conflict diamond twist)..but when I did see it..shucks, I know I am already an activist..but man, this cause demands some attention.
Now I would encourage my friends to watch this movie, because it should change your point of view regarding that ring you plan to buy for your fiance, or the ring that you aim to get from your fiance, or that gorgeous tennis bracelet/pair of earrings that you have always had your eye on..waiting for the day that you can 'buy it for yourself'
I admit, I am one of these girls..no, not the OTT ring from the spouse to be, but the I want to buy something nice for myself when I can afford it..it was a toss up between a tennis bracelet and a watch..but at least now if I get myself the bracelet, i know to ask my jeweler the right questions to make sure I am not playing a part in the conflict in other parts of the world.
Anyway, this movie seriously hit a nerve with me..because we imagine that we live in 'peacetime' as compared to world war status, but really, there are sooo many countries in conflict..the worst ones taking on child soldiers, ripping them from their families, drugging them and making them do the worst things..this is a crime..we are bad enough as a world letting children go hungry, child prostitution, pedophilia..and even worse is that parents themselves can be the bad role models that create weird people who have children too..its a vicious cycle....its just too sad.
I like to think that I am jaded, and cynical..hardened by the harsh things I have seen in this world. I've met people who are not good. People that hurt other people intentionally, people who manipulate situations, people who take advantage of other people..but I guess I should be glad that I haven't been exposed to extreme atrocities directly...but you know..at the end of the day, I feel naive at times..i ask stupid questions like 'why are people so greedy' or 'why are people so envious of others', like I seriously cannot understand it..and so I asked M last night, are these emotions (greed, envy, anger..etc-- in relation to the deadly sins) natural or are they brought about by social pressures/situations? and he said, all emotions are natural but some are emphasized as the child grows up..some naturally, some not..some brought about by experiences, some by how you see other people deal with or react to certain things..What makes someone greedy? What makes someone abuse power? (shucks, I just thought of politicians there for a sec, but I won't go into that)
Two babies are sitting in one cot, you pick one up..the other one left in the cot cries. Is this envy? I guess it is at some basic level..They are not envious of the other child, they just want to be carried too..what happens though is some adult will say 'ha ha child, you are not as wanted as the other child', some foolish person directs the envy towards another human being.. I know its not this simple, but it could be..which is just..sad.
Yeah, I know, this is a rambling blog with a lot of unhappy things..but I would like to imagine that there are more people who care than don't.
Friday, October 12, 2007
Ming logic at 24 years old
A long time ago, well considering Caeci is now what, 24 (which is what I was at the time when I wrote it), I thought 17 was a good time in a girl's life to know a little more about what to do when things get tricky...that you had to be a bit girl guide/scout-ish..always be prepared.
I mean, I reflected at the time to when *I* was 17, and the foolish things I did then, and the things she would be exposed to..and i figured, forewarned is fore armed, or something like that (dunno about the spelling tho!) It worked for me, hopefully it worked for her too..You can't tell me at one stage in your life (or even now) that these wouldn't apply!
Few pointers from ta ming when I was 17.
1. Always trust instinct
2. Do not trust instinct when drunk or tipsy
3. Always say No unless ready.
4. Think 30 times before doing something DooBy!
5. DON'T get caught!
6. Strive to be good for yourself.
7. Always Love Tita Ming
8. If it feels uncomfy, get out of the situation ASAP
9. Always include the element of risk, but always apply rule 4 and 5
10. NO to anorexia, bulimia and rehab/detox
11. Always keep coins to call home
12. If he breaks up with you who cares......gorgeous paren!
13. Respect is earned
14. Be fair always and Dont litter!
15. **ommitted because it won't make sense to anyone :) **
16. At times of depression draw strength from those who love you
17. Drink responsibly, drive safely, buckle up, and smile, baka the guy in the other car is a cutie
I mean, I reflected at the time to when *I* was 17, and the foolish things I did then, and the things she would be exposed to..and i figured, forewarned is fore armed, or something like that (dunno about the spelling tho!) It worked for me, hopefully it worked for her too..You can't tell me at one stage in your life (or even now) that these wouldn't apply!
Few pointers from ta ming when I was 17.
1. Always trust instinct
2. Do not trust instinct when drunk or tipsy
3. Always say No unless ready.
4. Think 30 times before doing something DooBy!
5. DON'T get caught!
6. Strive to be good for yourself.
7. Always Love Tita Ming
8. If it feels uncomfy, get out of the situation ASAP
9. Always include the element of risk, but always apply rule 4 and 5
10. NO to anorexia, bulimia and rehab/detox
11. Always keep coins to call home
12. If he breaks up with you who cares......gorgeous paren!
13. Respect is earned
14. Be fair always and Dont litter!
15. **ommitted because it won't make sense to anyone :) **
16. At times of depression draw strength from those who love you
17. Drink responsibly, drive safely, buckle up, and smile, baka the guy in the other car is a cutie
Wednesday, October 10, 2007
Trust issues
I knew I had trust issues, though you know, you would never imagine that I did with the way I talk, and talk so freely about anything that happens to me..
But yes, like everybody, there is some information about me that reach only those who are either 1)are in my circle of trust 2)need the information/interested in the information 3)someone who has incurred my wrath, and gets a LOT of information he he he..
You may think or it may seem that I am hard to hurt. Like I have this stoic attitude about things, that I can 'logic' anything to death and that I'm such a bitch, in all likelihood, whatever you say won't hurt me.
In some ways, yes, that is true. Especially for those whose opinions don't mean anything to me.
But sometimes, I am foolish enough to leave space for mistakes.
The good thingfrom this experience is, I feel. I appreciate the fact that I am feeling again.
The bad thing is, though the lie was small, minuscule in fact, my general trust issues are in the way and I feel as if I can't trust this person anymore. I know, unforgiving, but the deceit is still fresh (I know, deceit is a strong word, but it matches how I feel).
I have trust issues because of things that have happened to me in the past few years of my life. You take people's word for it. That they will change, that they will try better. You think people are sincere enough, like yourself to follow through, for the greater good, for the people they love...but they fall short of your expectations. And yes, I know, I have learned to expect less. Not to lower my expectations, but just reduce the value of the expectation. Rude, yes, internal mitigation measures that work sometimes need to be.
But again, am getting a better view of why I am reluctant to really let any potential significant other in..
But yes, like everybody, there is some information about me that reach only those who are either 1)are in my circle of trust 2)need the information/interested in the information 3)someone who has incurred my wrath, and gets a LOT of information he he he..
You may think or it may seem that I am hard to hurt. Like I have this stoic attitude about things, that I can 'logic' anything to death and that I'm such a bitch, in all likelihood, whatever you say won't hurt me.
In some ways, yes, that is true. Especially for those whose opinions don't mean anything to me.
But sometimes, I am foolish enough to leave space for mistakes.
The good thingfrom this experience is, I feel. I appreciate the fact that I am feeling again.
The bad thing is, though the lie was small, minuscule in fact, my general trust issues are in the way and I feel as if I can't trust this person anymore. I know, unforgiving, but the deceit is still fresh (I know, deceit is a strong word, but it matches how I feel).
I have trust issues because of things that have happened to me in the past few years of my life. You take people's word for it. That they will change, that they will try better. You think people are sincere enough, like yourself to follow through, for the greater good, for the people they love...but they fall short of your expectations. And yes, I know, I have learned to expect less. Not to lower my expectations, but just reduce the value of the expectation. Rude, yes, internal mitigation measures that work sometimes need to be.
But again, am getting a better view of why I am reluctant to really let any potential significant other in..
Thursday, September 06, 2007
Obsessed to the Nth degree
I'm obsessed, i know it, you know it.. Ha ha ha..so here is my horoscope..which I try not to believe really, but man, today, its soooooooo spot on.
The receptive Cancer Moon reflects the depth of our feelings today and we may be at the bottom of a well without any way to get out. Paradoxically, it is our fear that prevents us from climbing out. Sensitivity is a gift, but it can also tempt us to hide in the safety of our inner world. Sweet Venus, nearing the end of her retrograde phase, holds an irritating quincunx with erratic Uranus, so sudden flashes of desire can shock us into motion.
Damn. Like I said to Caeci, in my ever what the hell fashion,
'The breakthrough is I seriously feel. Na somewhat vulnerable or the opening for vulnerability and what do I do with that? Do I just slink back and tightly shut the operculum or come out and risk some hermit crab coming in to separate me from my shell?'
Yuck. Ha ha ha ha..if you can't laugh at yourself, someone else surely will!
The receptive Cancer Moon reflects the depth of our feelings today and we may be at the bottom of a well without any way to get out. Paradoxically, it is our fear that prevents us from climbing out. Sensitivity is a gift, but it can also tempt us to hide in the safety of our inner world. Sweet Venus, nearing the end of her retrograde phase, holds an irritating quincunx with erratic Uranus, so sudden flashes of desire can shock us into motion.
Damn. Like I said to Caeci, in my ever what the hell fashion,
'The breakthrough is I seriously feel. Na somewhat vulnerable or the opening for vulnerability and what do I do with that? Do I just slink back and tightly shut the operculum or come out and risk some hermit crab coming in to separate me from my shell?'
Yuck. Ha ha ha ha..if you can't laugh at yourself, someone else surely will!
Wednesday, September 05, 2007
Ming updates week 10
I've been here for 10 weeks now, and I sent out an update to some people and thought to post it here.
To you who may have wanted to know more about the project I work on, especially since when I am asked how many megawatts or whatever this project generates and I can't answer..well, here it is :) (ay, not attaching it, if you want it, email me)..or check out www.namtheun2.com
All I know is I am loving it here, smog free, starbucks free and the third s, stress free (well, not really, but yeah, as stress free as its gonna get)..(and I don't need starbucks, we have an espresso machine in the office)
Just some updates on me...
1. Yes, i am still single....don't listen to the rumours..ha ha ha
2. Yes, I went to Phuket last week to meet up with some family and it was good,
3. Yes, I have lost weight (ha ha ha) considering all I can eat is rice and cucumber (well, some egg here and there, meat at times, and pasta when I make it or when I go to vientiane)..but not much yet..oh well.
4. No, I haven't finally decided if I am staying on or not, nor have I been made a solid offer, though my boss did say that they will work on my employment contract next month. I am still thinking about doing my PhD.
5. No I haven't gone seriously shopping yet (he he he)
6. Yes, I really do live with 5 boys, two of which are my bosses and they aren't there all the time. Only two of us really reside there (me and Marcel, he's dutch), the others come once in a while. I'm fine, promise.
7. And yes, I am surviving, quite well actually. Loving the work, loving the environment (I see nearly 180 degrees of sky, the rest is limestone mountains and paddy fields). I saw the sea for a few days (Andaman added to my list of seen seas now!) so I am set for a bit on ocean exposure needs.
Other than this, nothing much has changed. Email when you can, visit when you can..and bring food when you do, ha ha ha. oh and pens and pencils!
Hugs and love :)
Ming
To you who may have wanted to know more about the project I work on, especially since when I am asked how many megawatts or whatever this project generates and I can't answer..well, here it is :) (ay, not attaching it, if you want it, email me)..or check out www.namtheun2.com
All I know is I am loving it here, smog free, starbucks free and the third s, stress free (well, not really, but yeah, as stress free as its gonna get)..(and I don't need starbucks, we have an espresso machine in the office)
Just some updates on me...
1. Yes, i am still single....don't listen to the rumours..ha ha ha
2. Yes, I went to Phuket last week to meet up with some family and it was good,
3. Yes, I have lost weight (ha ha ha) considering all I can eat is rice and cucumber (well, some egg here and there, meat at times, and pasta when I make it or when I go to vientiane)..but not much yet..oh well.
4. No, I haven't finally decided if I am staying on or not, nor have I been made a solid offer, though my boss did say that they will work on my employment contract next month. I am still thinking about doing my PhD.
5. No I haven't gone seriously shopping yet (he he he)
6. Yes, I really do live with 5 boys, two of which are my bosses and they aren't there all the time. Only two of us really reside there (me and Marcel, he's dutch), the others come once in a while. I'm fine, promise.
7. And yes, I am surviving, quite well actually. Loving the work, loving the environment (I see nearly 180 degrees of sky, the rest is limestone mountains and paddy fields). I saw the sea for a few days (Andaman added to my list of seen seas now!) so I am set for a bit on ocean exposure needs.
Other than this, nothing much has changed. Email when you can, visit when you can..and bring food when you do, ha ha ha. oh and pens and pencils!
Hugs and love :)
Ming
Wednesday, July 25, 2007
Rock Ed- No more excuses
I'm part of a group called Rock-Ed, and instead of me trying to explain what it is we do and what we stand for, let me direct you to Gang's page because she explains it perfectly.
http://gangbadoy.multiply.com/journal/item/3/Parang_Pitong_Libong_Isla
but usual ming style, I still have something to say..
In one way or another, we are all sick and tired of the status quo, sick and tired of the potholes in the road, and sick and f*cking tired of people that get away with stealing, lying and all the other bad things we shouldn't let them get away with....
But you know, we are still lucky, because we have the luxury to complain without actually feeling the hardship and life that millions of other people feel. We complain in the comfort of our airconditioned car or sitting around Starbucks, drinking our hot coffees and fraps..I'm not ridiculing you, because I complain in this comfort state too, but as you can see in my blogs and when you talk to me, I've made my choice, and that is to make no more excuses and to act and move somehow to make poverty history. I do this through environmental advocacy, through environmental awareness campaigns and by telling my friends everything I can about conservation. (and also thru futkal! support futkal!)
Now the choice is yours..in this time of environmental change (for the worse!), political turmoil, developed, developing and less developed country categories (how fucking politically correct is that!??)..
we are no longer homo sapiens, we are now homo economicus, homo urbanicus (or something, read this somewhere, economist ata)..we have evolved, but have we evolved for the better?
Again, the choice is yours, what are you going to do to help change the world?
http://gangbadoy.multiply.com/journal/item/3/Parang_Pitong_Libong_Isla
but usual ming style, I still have something to say..
In one way or another, we are all sick and tired of the status quo, sick and tired of the potholes in the road, and sick and f*cking tired of people that get away with stealing, lying and all the other bad things we shouldn't let them get away with....
But you know, we are still lucky, because we have the luxury to complain without actually feeling the hardship and life that millions of other people feel. We complain in the comfort of our airconditioned car or sitting around Starbucks, drinking our hot coffees and fraps..I'm not ridiculing you, because I complain in this comfort state too, but as you can see in my blogs and when you talk to me, I've made my choice, and that is to make no more excuses and to act and move somehow to make poverty history. I do this through environmental advocacy, through environmental awareness campaigns and by telling my friends everything I can about conservation. (and also thru futkal! support futkal!)
Now the choice is yours..in this time of environmental change (for the worse!), political turmoil, developed, developing and less developed country categories (how fucking politically correct is that!??)..
we are no longer homo sapiens, we are now homo economicus, homo urbanicus (or something, read this somewhere, economist ata)..we have evolved, but have we evolved for the better?
Again, the choice is yours, what are you going to do to help change the world?
Saturday, July 21, 2007
Vientiane Revisited
About six months ago, or less, I went to Vientiane.
I was there for business, not really up to meeting anyone new, but I did and me meeting him reminded me that life is too short not to be passionate about life and that there are good guys out there..somewhere.
And now, its my second visit. I was a little hesitant, knowing that the last time I was here I met that Tyler.. But you know..I was hesitant because I didn't want to change the good vibes I got from that night, change it with new ones..i just thought it would be unfair to the memory..
But I had to, to get my passport, to get my cheque, to take a break, to do some seriously seriously needed shopping.
I had intended to have a quiet night, not meet people..not be an extrovert..hay..plans change!
I met this guy (who thought he was killer hot, as in. Well, in fairness, he kinda was..but yuh, his teeth were medjo too european for me..(basta, if you know what i mean, YOu KNOW what I mean!) but he was nice...medjo pa feeling pero k lang..but as I ate there at the Scandanavian Bakery, he made pa eye contact eye contact, and I gave in and talked to him..which is good because 3 other people, two girls and one boy, introduced themselves to us, and that, is how you make, a random group of foreigners.
We had dinner together, we talked about ourselves..we did the whole introducing thing during dinner, telling each other things that you wouldn't even tell some friends (I mean not close friends ah, as in friends friends) and these are strangers!
But you know, I had fun.. On day 2 Bec, Dominik and I, we went shopping together, we went clubbing together the night before, and then we had dinner together! We had steak and chips..yum.
On day 3 I played football with Dominik (Austrian) and Tommy (Israeli) and had dinner at Marcel's because they were having a housewarming.
I got my first dose of cultural differences that night..as I sat down next to these two girls that I got introduced to earlier, these two other said something in lao and then they all giggled (ahh women) and so I said, sorry what?
She said "Tai said us three sit together is a good thing, we all the same, we all fat"
and I said "WHAT?" (keep in mind, I have just met ALL these people 20 mins earlier)
and she said "Fat, you know, chubby"
Okay, yes, I am not slim, not thin, not svelte and no, I will never be thai/lao thin. But talk about cultural difference, NEVER will you have a stranger (unless drunk or demented) in Manila to say "hang out with them y'all match, y'all fat!"
Luckily I am still emotionally off..i asked marcel later on and he said yeah, they don't have that sensitivity issue with weight here..
But yeah, Vientiane ver 2.0 didn't go so badly.
Marcel picked me up on his motorbike (little does he know this scares the f*&^ out of me) and took me to the party and I got to hang out and meet new people...i loved it :)
Oh, and I got to shop. I was having shoppers anxiety na not being able to shop for 3 weeks...
ttfn!
I was there for business, not really up to meeting anyone new, but I did and me meeting him reminded me that life is too short not to be passionate about life and that there are good guys out there..somewhere.
And now, its my second visit. I was a little hesitant, knowing that the last time I was here I met that Tyler.. But you know..I was hesitant because I didn't want to change the good vibes I got from that night, change it with new ones..i just thought it would be unfair to the memory..
But I had to, to get my passport, to get my cheque, to take a break, to do some seriously seriously needed shopping.
I had intended to have a quiet night, not meet people..not be an extrovert..hay..plans change!
I met this guy (who thought he was killer hot, as in. Well, in fairness, he kinda was..but yuh, his teeth were medjo too european for me..(basta, if you know what i mean, YOu KNOW what I mean!) but he was nice...medjo pa feeling pero k lang..but as I ate there at the Scandanavian Bakery, he made pa eye contact eye contact, and I gave in and talked to him..which is good because 3 other people, two girls and one boy, introduced themselves to us, and that, is how you make, a random group of foreigners.
We had dinner together, we talked about ourselves..we did the whole introducing thing during dinner, telling each other things that you wouldn't even tell some friends (I mean not close friends ah, as in friends friends) and these are strangers!
But you know, I had fun.. On day 2 Bec, Dominik and I, we went shopping together, we went clubbing together the night before, and then we had dinner together! We had steak and chips..yum.
On day 3 I played football with Dominik (Austrian) and Tommy (Israeli) and had dinner at Marcel's because they were having a housewarming.
I got my first dose of cultural differences that night..as I sat down next to these two girls that I got introduced to earlier, these two other said something in lao and then they all giggled (ahh women) and so I said, sorry what?
She said "Tai said us three sit together is a good thing, we all the same, we all fat"
and I said "WHAT?" (keep in mind, I have just met ALL these people 20 mins earlier)
and she said "Fat, you know, chubby"
Okay, yes, I am not slim, not thin, not svelte and no, I will never be thai/lao thin. But talk about cultural difference, NEVER will you have a stranger (unless drunk or demented) in Manila to say "hang out with them y'all match, y'all fat!"
Luckily I am still emotionally off..i asked marcel later on and he said yeah, they don't have that sensitivity issue with weight here..
But yeah, Vientiane ver 2.0 didn't go so badly.
Marcel picked me up on his motorbike (little does he know this scares the f*&^ out of me) and took me to the party and I got to hang out and meet new people...i loved it :)
Oh, and I got to shop. I was having shoppers anxiety na not being able to shop for 3 weeks...
ttfn!
Monday, July 16, 2007
Emergency Happy Thoughts (EHT strategy paper)
The only, I will use the word problem, but its not really a problem..anyway..The only problem with going away and finding some peace for your soul and for your mind to defrag* is that you also have a lot time to think and evaluate your life. Well, then again, that is the point. The way to defrag is to sift through thoughts and experiences and organize them into little box folders in your brain, methodically punching holes and placing the pages in ring binders, putting headers like ‘don’t do THAT again’ or ‘Emergency Happy Thoughts’ on the outside for easy referencing.
Okay, yeah yeah I know..this isn’t how its done, but I like to think that this is the way my mind does it (because I am so OC when it comes to notes and periodicals)..
Anyway…
My day is full, every day. I wake at 6:40 which is no easy feat for me and am ready by 7:05 every day. I ride down the escarpment to my office, the beautiful morning ride takes about half an hour. On the way down while watching the scenery which differs daily (more mist, less mist, more green, less green, more blue sky today, dark moody sky tomorrow) while talking to Marcel on whatever the topic of the morning is (today it was about diving and holidays). Eat breakfast at the office and start work at 8. Work til 12 (with some surfing breaks, obviously), lunch at 12 either at RNT, the French camp, or here at the office with the local staff. (ahh, the food, yet another blog entry waiting to happen), then lunch break for half an hour of sitting around chatting and checking email. I should end work at 5 but I usually work til about 5:30, or whenever Marcel asks if I am ready to go and play badminton. We play badminton until I see the futsal people show up and then I ditch Marcel to go play futsal with boys who are now finally accepting me as a boy (I now get shoved and kicked in the shins like any other player), then go back to Marcel to have a last round of badminton. Then we end this all around 8 or so, then dinner, either at the EM-1 camp, RNT or the Vietnam Road down here in Gnommalath. Or sometimes we go up a little early, back to Nakai and get dropped off at the Environment complex to eat with the other E&S staff, then walk back to our camp..half an hour walk. Again, walking, not one of my finer qualities!
So yeah, full full day from waking to bedtime..but you know, its killer stress free. My main issue yesterday is if I could buy yoghurt and if it would keep long enough before I get it to my fridge! So, this means that I have some pockets of time to think and my stress free mind is defragging continuously.
Which takes me back to my problem of evaluation. (see, the word issue doesn’t fit either..I guess I could call it a thing)…back to my thing about evaluation..
The normal questions ofcourse are:
How am I? What am I doing? Is everything alright? What else do I have to do? Do I have a good plan? Am I flexible enough? How do I treat the people around me? Am I a good person?
Then ofcourse, with the extra space from the lack of stress you also think:
Where am I now in my life, is this where I want to be?
Why things do happen to you when they do and what is the best way of handling things?
Have I handled things that have happened to me in the best way possible?
What do I like or not like about myself?
Are you really alright?
You see where I am going with this yeah? I mean, I am not one to avoid confrontation, especially when it’s the healthy sort, but it can still be daunting and overwhelming!
The hardest part is you are looking at all of this in the harsh light of self evaluation, the most critical critic, the most difficult person to please, yourself.
And this is where that grain of salt (or sugar) should come in (that comes out of your ‘Emergency Happy Thoughts” box)
I have a great family who are supportive and real. I have extremely supportive parents (somewhat overprotective, but such is life) and my immediate family (neices, nephews, cousins and siblings) are not only family, but also my friends.
I have many friends and I have a good diverse set of really good friends and I have my handful of people I would trust my life with, the circle of trust.
I have a good fulfilling job that helps me help the world (Go PLANET!) and lets me afford my lifestyle (eek!)
I’m nearly at the stage where I can say I am reasonably happy with how I look, no matter how many times you compare me against Naomi (ha ha ha, the poor nurse Nomes!)
I may be single, but life is good and if the right person who loves me comes, then he will. And if he doesn’t, well, I’ll just have kids :P
I’m a decent person who can be too nice, but then again, I can be quite a bitch, healthy combination.
Hmmm. I think I have just cheered myself up.
I guess the moral of the story is, you should know (normally) that your worst critic is yourself and that life is too short to be that harsh on yourself… live life responsibly, love life with passion and have a drink to celebrate!
*defrag- defragment: computer term that sorts through your files and reorganizes them and takes a look at the bad sectors and then reports back to you the status
Okay, yeah yeah I know..this isn’t how its done, but I like to think that this is the way my mind does it (because I am so OC when it comes to notes and periodicals)..
Anyway…
My day is full, every day. I wake at 6:40 which is no easy feat for me and am ready by 7:05 every day. I ride down the escarpment to my office, the beautiful morning ride takes about half an hour. On the way down while watching the scenery which differs daily (more mist, less mist, more green, less green, more blue sky today, dark moody sky tomorrow) while talking to Marcel on whatever the topic of the morning is (today it was about diving and holidays). Eat breakfast at the office and start work at 8. Work til 12 (with some surfing breaks, obviously), lunch at 12 either at RNT, the French camp, or here at the office with the local staff. (ahh, the food, yet another blog entry waiting to happen), then lunch break for half an hour of sitting around chatting and checking email. I should end work at 5 but I usually work til about 5:30, or whenever Marcel asks if I am ready to go and play badminton. We play badminton until I see the futsal people show up and then I ditch Marcel to go play futsal with boys who are now finally accepting me as a boy (I now get shoved and kicked in the shins like any other player), then go back to Marcel to have a last round of badminton. Then we end this all around 8 or so, then dinner, either at the EM-1 camp, RNT or the Vietnam Road down here in Gnommalath. Or sometimes we go up a little early, back to Nakai and get dropped off at the Environment complex to eat with the other E&S staff, then walk back to our camp..half an hour walk. Again, walking, not one of my finer qualities!
So yeah, full full day from waking to bedtime..but you know, its killer stress free. My main issue yesterday is if I could buy yoghurt and if it would keep long enough before I get it to my fridge! So, this means that I have some pockets of time to think and my stress free mind is defragging continuously.
Which takes me back to my problem of evaluation. (see, the word issue doesn’t fit either..I guess I could call it a thing)…back to my thing about evaluation..
The normal questions ofcourse are:
How am I? What am I doing? Is everything alright? What else do I have to do? Do I have a good plan? Am I flexible enough? How do I treat the people around me? Am I a good person?
Then ofcourse, with the extra space from the lack of stress you also think:
Where am I now in my life, is this where I want to be?
Why things do happen to you when they do and what is the best way of handling things?
Have I handled things that have happened to me in the best way possible?
What do I like or not like about myself?
Are you really alright?
You see where I am going with this yeah? I mean, I am not one to avoid confrontation, especially when it’s the healthy sort, but it can still be daunting and overwhelming!
The hardest part is you are looking at all of this in the harsh light of self evaluation, the most critical critic, the most difficult person to please, yourself.
And this is where that grain of salt (or sugar) should come in (that comes out of your ‘Emergency Happy Thoughts” box)
I have a great family who are supportive and real. I have extremely supportive parents (somewhat overprotective, but such is life) and my immediate family (neices, nephews, cousins and siblings) are not only family, but also my friends.
I have many friends and I have a good diverse set of really good friends and I have my handful of people I would trust my life with, the circle of trust.
I have a good fulfilling job that helps me help the world (Go PLANET!) and lets me afford my lifestyle (eek!)
I’m nearly at the stage where I can say I am reasonably happy with how I look, no matter how many times you compare me against Naomi (ha ha ha, the poor nurse Nomes!)
I may be single, but life is good and if the right person who loves me comes, then he will. And if he doesn’t, well, I’ll just have kids :P
I’m a decent person who can be too nice, but then again, I can be quite a bitch, healthy combination.
Hmmm. I think I have just cheered myself up.
I guess the moral of the story is, you should know (normally) that your worst critic is yourself and that life is too short to be that harsh on yourself… live life responsibly, love life with passion and have a drink to celebrate!
*defrag- defragment: computer term that sorts through your files and reorganizes them and takes a look at the bad sectors and then reports back to you the status
Friday, July 06, 2007
Choices we have, choices we make
Yesterday I met someone who used to make less than ten dollars a month. He worked for a hotel in Vientiane where he made 60,000 kip per month, half of which he spent on English lessons so that he could get better jobs.
He may be making more money now, now that he works for the NTPC project as a driver..hopefully a lot more but I wasn’t willing to ask him how much he makes now because then he might ask me how much I make and that would just be embarrassing.
See that? He spent HALF his meager earnings on his plan to make life better. He didn’t just sit at home and hope for the best. He didn’t rely on someone else to fix it for him.
This thought just brought me back to people (I know) who choose to do nothing when there are people in the world who have no choice.
Yesterday also I bought some groceries (some juice, three eggs, dishwashing liquid, tuna, onions and a few other things) and it cost me 200,000 kip. (exchange rate is 1 USD to 9300 kip) I spent 20 dollars. He makes less than half of what I spent in 20 mins in ONE MONTH.
This is not a sermon or a litany on the haves and have nots. I’m not saying feel guilty about the good things we have in life. I too, buy expensive shoes, jeans and whatever else that I spend my money on, but I work hard for it, like most people do.
But what you should do is be grateful and thankful for the blessings, and when you can, give back. It doesn’t have to be money, it can be old clothes, it can be food, or even just your time.
The half way point of the Millennium Development Goals is today, July 7, 2007. Read
He may be making more money now, now that he works for the NTPC project as a driver..hopefully a lot more but I wasn’t willing to ask him how much he makes now because then he might ask me how much I make and that would just be embarrassing.
See that? He spent HALF his meager earnings on his plan to make life better. He didn’t just sit at home and hope for the best. He didn’t rely on someone else to fix it for him.
This thought just brought me back to people (I know) who choose to do nothing when there are people in the world who have no choice.
Yesterday also I bought some groceries (some juice, three eggs, dishwashing liquid, tuna, onions and a few other things) and it cost me 200,000 kip. (exchange rate is 1 USD to 9300 kip) I spent 20 dollars. He makes less than half of what I spent in 20 mins in ONE MONTH.
This is not a sermon or a litany on the haves and have nots. I’m not saying feel guilty about the good things we have in life. I too, buy expensive shoes, jeans and whatever else that I spend my money on, but I work hard for it, like most people do.
But what you should do is be grateful and thankful for the blessings, and when you can, give back. It doesn’t have to be money, it can be old clothes, it can be food, or even just your time.
The half way point of the Millennium Development Goals is today, July 7, 2007. Read
Friday, May 25, 2007
Professor Pedro Alviola III, 1948-2007
I'm not good with death.
I mean, I'm good in the sense that I seriously believe that there is a God and if you have faith and repent and all that, you will go to heaven, but I have a bad case of separation anxiety.
I have this specialist consultant, his name is Pete Alviola. We call him Prof, Prof A, Sir Pete and Prof Alviola. We always crack jokes that he could name that bird in one squawk because he is one hell of a terrestrial biologist. I'm absolutely serious. He knows things just looking at the nest! One time, he just looked up, raised an ear and named the bird, giving off his text book line up of habitat, feeding regime, reproductive habits and basic identification features! He also does flora, and can rattle off tree names, species, usual diseases of the trees, usual healing qualities of the bark or leaves...man this guy is unbelieveable.
I went to Brunei with him for my first project here in Halcrow. I was team leader, manager, trip organizer, lunch payer, driver, hotel peace keeper..my room was the meeting room, beer room and eating room. I bonded with my consultants because we were there for 14 days doing an EIA.
One day I had only one car and had to drop people off here and there and find a boat to rent for oceanography (without using myself as partial payment, much to Sir K's discussion with the Brunei man's dismay)..and I had to leave Sir Pete out in the woods with only a bottle of water..the dialogue went like this:
MFO: SIr, I have to leave you here, sorry ha, I have to go get the boat eh..will you be okay?
PA: Ofcourse! Okay lang yan! Relax ka lang! Its Good! Okay lang yan!
MFO: But Sir, you have no food, water lang, sorry talaga!
PA: I have sky flakes here in my bag and some hopia, don't worry! Okay lang yan!
I think he told me not to worry all the time. I'm such a worry wart. Trying to handle 12 consultants at once is no easy task, but he made it much lighter with his easy banter and good natured attitude.. I've worked with him on many projects, he is one of my favourite specialists.
He was so old school too. He submitted his reports on floppy disks and on yellow pad..he's just so cute its unbelieveable.
One time I thought I lost him when I sent him to Brunei alone. I didn't want to call his wife and alarm her, but I had to after a while. Even she told me to relax and that he was probably already there, and lo and behold, she was right.
Sir Pete passed away yesterday. He was on his motorbike in LB to buy some basics for the house and his bike was side swiped. He seemed uninjured and was even lucid for an hour, but then fell into a coma at the hospital because he sustained internal injuries.
He will be sorely missed and I hope I can get all my friends to pray for his soul.
He was a GREAT biologist. One of the best in the Philippines. He was a GREAT consultant, as he submitted things on time and in killer detail. He was an EXTREMELY Intelligent man who knew many things, even not related to his work. He was an EXTREMELY kind man, who helped me see that I shouldn't worry so much and things will be fine.
He was a good person with a kind heart.
Professor Pedro Alviola III, my terrestrial biologist.
I mean, I'm good in the sense that I seriously believe that there is a God and if you have faith and repent and all that, you will go to heaven, but I have a bad case of separation anxiety.
I have this specialist consultant, his name is Pete Alviola. We call him Prof, Prof A, Sir Pete and Prof Alviola. We always crack jokes that he could name that bird in one squawk because he is one hell of a terrestrial biologist. I'm absolutely serious. He knows things just looking at the nest! One time, he just looked up, raised an ear and named the bird, giving off his text book line up of habitat, feeding regime, reproductive habits and basic identification features! He also does flora, and can rattle off tree names, species, usual diseases of the trees, usual healing qualities of the bark or leaves...man this guy is unbelieveable.
I went to Brunei with him for my first project here in Halcrow. I was team leader, manager, trip organizer, lunch payer, driver, hotel peace keeper..my room was the meeting room, beer room and eating room. I bonded with my consultants because we were there for 14 days doing an EIA.
One day I had only one car and had to drop people off here and there and find a boat to rent for oceanography (without using myself as partial payment, much to Sir K's discussion with the Brunei man's dismay)..and I had to leave Sir Pete out in the woods with only a bottle of water..the dialogue went like this:
MFO: SIr, I have to leave you here, sorry ha, I have to go get the boat eh..will you be okay?
PA: Ofcourse! Okay lang yan! Relax ka lang! Its Good! Okay lang yan!
MFO: But Sir, you have no food, water lang, sorry talaga!
PA: I have sky flakes here in my bag and some hopia, don't worry! Okay lang yan!
I think he told me not to worry all the time. I'm such a worry wart. Trying to handle 12 consultants at once is no easy task, but he made it much lighter with his easy banter and good natured attitude.. I've worked with him on many projects, he is one of my favourite specialists.
He was so old school too. He submitted his reports on floppy disks and on yellow pad..he's just so cute its unbelieveable.
One time I thought I lost him when I sent him to Brunei alone. I didn't want to call his wife and alarm her, but I had to after a while. Even she told me to relax and that he was probably already there, and lo and behold, she was right.
Sir Pete passed away yesterday. He was on his motorbike in LB to buy some basics for the house and his bike was side swiped. He seemed uninjured and was even lucid for an hour, but then fell into a coma at the hospital because he sustained internal injuries.
He will be sorely missed and I hope I can get all my friends to pray for his soul.
He was a GREAT biologist. One of the best in the Philippines. He was a GREAT consultant, as he submitted things on time and in killer detail. He was an EXTREMELY Intelligent man who knew many things, even not related to his work. He was an EXTREMELY kind man, who helped me see that I shouldn't worry so much and things will be fine.
He was a good person with a kind heart.
Professor Pedro Alviola III, my terrestrial biologist.
Tuesday, May 15, 2007
It's time to go for now
I've given it much thought, and have been bribed in different ways to change my mind. From mere guilt trips to offers of loan disregard to a very inticing payment of my PhD but, I have decided, for at least the next six months from July, that its time for me to move on.
Unlikely that its forever, and I will probably be home more often that I think, but I need the development work to fuel the drive that I have in conservation and development, I need the cash (ha ha ha ) to sustain my bad habits and to save at long last, and..quite importantly, I need the space.
I am a nomad by nature, waiting for the time when I would be gently coerced into settling, not down but just settling in place..not stationary but steady.
one day, and as tancio said, it will all fall into place.
Unlikely that its forever, and I will probably be home more often that I think, but I need the development work to fuel the drive that I have in conservation and development, I need the cash (ha ha ha ) to sustain my bad habits and to save at long last, and..quite importantly, I need the space.
I am a nomad by nature, waiting for the time when I would be gently coerced into settling, not down but just settling in place..not stationary but steady.
one day, and as tancio said, it will all fall into place.
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