Getting what you want

Getting what you want 101. if you want it, go get it.

Seriously, do you need to go to ehow.com to figure this one out?

I've had recent conversations about how 'some people' are luckier than others. My retort was that people who persevere are seemingly lucky because they keep trying. If you sit in a corner, even if the window is open and the light shines in the room, you will never feel the sunlight if you don't move and change position..sheesh.

Anyway, i don't want to dwell on this, nor do I want to dwell on the next topic. Just an update:

Dad: still sick with the big c in his pancreas. He's moved onto 5FU, the big guns when it comes to PC, so we have come to the end of the rope really..he's flagging, with diabetes now and normal pressure hydrocephalus. I really have no idea how I am going to survive without him. but i guess I don't have much of an option.

Mich: she says that she will try harder regarding improving her life on her timeline, not ours. alright, 7 years..no more anger for me..I'm done being bitter about this, its not my life.

Mum: still hard headed, but still the sweetest thing ever.

me: still crazy, still working in laos, still married, still with one child and 3 cutie puppies, still me.

on the side: I reunited with a friend over the phone today, who complained that I call on the day that I am leaving..ha ha ha. The conversation started odd, as I told her it was Ming, and was so happy to hear her voice, asking where she was, what her plan was for the night and she kept answering in a somewhat monotone voice, so i figured she was tired, or ill, or not too pleased to hear from me..until she said "MIIINNGGG, Its you! I thought you were someone else!'..ha ha ha. and here I was thinking, man she has changed! In fact, she hasn't, ofcourse she would maintain a civil conversation with whoever she thought she was talking to..though she found it odd that 'May' would be asking such questions..ha ha ha. miss you bash sister!

Well, anyway, til the next entry. hope dad stays alright til I get home next month...here's hoping I get what I want.

Pregnancy 101

I never imagined I would reach the age to actually be pregnant. Actually be old enough to consider myself a potentially good but cool mother..but here I am now, 4 months pregnant, and finally enjoying it.

First of all, nothing and I mean NOTHING prepares you for the first trimester. Maybe I am not the norm, but for those who plan to get pregnant, be prepared NOT to be the norm. I was lucky enough not to get morning sickness, but I was so not prepared for mood swings. Okay, it wasn't even swinging, it was just mood, dark, somber, NOT happy and surely NOT shiny! More like paranoid schizophrenic in hyper sensitive jealous insecure mode!

And I think back to all the movies and crap that glorify pregnancy..hey don't get me wrong, I want to be pregs..I want to experience it in full, all the ups and the downs, but it would have been nice if someone was actually blunt enough to say 'you are going to turn into a woman you wouldn't marry yourself, be kind and tell your husband to go hang out with his friends until you snap out of it'..that would have been nice.

So..4 months, 4 kilos more than when i started..hoping to not hit cow proportions. I have porn boobs, like it actually looks like I have had implants put in..sheesh.

And overall, it really is an inexplicably great experience..til the next entry..

p.s. dad's cancer markers are down, though he couldn't do chemo today as his rbc's were low..but overall, much much better..Here's praying for 2 more years of time with daddy.

Cyclic

They say everything moves in cycles. possibly true. So one minute you are up, the other you are down. Duration of stages in the cycle can greatly differ, I guess its how you view the situation.

Soooo, IF you have been following me (unlikely, which is all good), you should know that:

2004: sister, aneurysm
Status from 2004 to present: Mich now works, so yay for her in that regard. But her lack of drive, her lack of lust for life, her happiness with being relegated to being a bum, well, that has stayed. Its easy to blame my mother for it, but I won't, as she is old enough to know what is right and wrong, and how not to burden other people needlessly. She probably has lost a marble or two, but the selfishness that is currently presiding is just not good enough.

2007: Moved to laos
Status from 2004 to present: After the rollercoaster drama of being home, dealing with the fam, drinking myself til 8 am every weekend and working myself to death, I move to Laos, where I worked myself to death also, but also ended up meeting my future husband. I am now married and 2 months pregnant. I honestly can't ask for more. My life is blessed.

December 2009: Daddy diagnosed with Stage 4 metastatic pancreatic cancer.
Current status: One round of chemo done, On the second round now, with one session today, and another next week. Initially weak, but currently gaining strength and walking unaided.

So, cyclic. I was able to cheer up and be happy for hmmm 3 years before I'm told that the man who has played the leading role in my life is going to die within the next 3 months if he doesn't do chemo, and 6 months to 2 years if he responds well to treatment.

There must be a reason why parents are supposed to let kids go, like emotionally go,because for me, I am directly linked to my father. I am 34 and he still called me every other day, and texts me every day, and I live in a different country!

As usual, my mother is not accustomed to certain ways of thinking, like POSITIVE thinking, or adaptive management. No, she's the KAYA KO To attitude. She makes mura everyone, especially the maids, she can't accept help from people and well, she's tiring herself to death. Just what I needed, two dead parents. NICE. she's also worried that her money is going to run out...hay.

anyway, today is a good day. life is good. I am expecting a child. My parents love each other so much they want to do die together. nice.

and just when you thought all was going well..

I was waiting for something to go wrong...life was too good. and as cynical or pessimistic you want to say I am, I just say I am realistic..life is cyclic, and things happen...and now,..what I can classify as possibly the worst thing that could happen in my life has happened. I can't imagine another thing that could be worst than this. Okay, perhaps an abrupt death of my father would be worst, but him, my best friend, confidante, partner in crime, has been diagnosed with stage 4 pancreatic cancer..

I guess I was given a year or two of full bliss: love, happy parents, work, stability..then siempre, this.

Thing is you cant break down. Not at this stage. Crying and breakdowns are for the weak. I will cry when he is dead, or when he is in pain. For now, he requires my strength and he deserves it all...

I guess I am going to start blogging more frequently again, as I usually do when the fish hit the fan..

Tired thoughts on a Saturday

I've been reading other people's posts today..yes, instead of working, mainly because I have overworked myself all week, til late hours, and now Saturday comes and i feel drained. Well, i felt drained yesterday (saying to honey in the car 'I want to go home' he said 'now?' I said 'No I mean HOME home..), so no wonder Saturday feels like hell. Also haven't been sleeping well because the air conditioner is on the blink and sounds like a rice milling machine.

I read on Ella's blog, about people who go to the US and live the american life..yeah, the work sleep work life..though, my sister Sue can veer a LITTLE out of this system, but she has meager savings, yet my sister tonette totally lives this system and has kick ass savings but has no life..My sisters didn't have it easy. Nette studied and worked at the same time, while pregnant..she is really one of those success stories, but she doesn't have time to live the life--for whatever reasons.

And here I am, living in the middle of nowhere (I don't mean Laos, as its very up and coming and give it a few more years, it will be more and more developed) but I mean on site, with no 7-11 in sight, no movie house and Tesco across the border..I live in a foreign country, yeah yeah, making good money, but I also have hmm 1 friend, not counting my hubby. And this friend I had to import myself!! Okay, I lie, Hubby's boss is also my friend, but..anyway.

I wish I had friends. You know..girl friends, people to do stuff with like pictionary, or scatterbrain or whatever that game is. People who call me and say what you doing? wanna come over for a few drinks? But perhaps its unrealistic to expect this, considering where I am.

I am soooooo hoping Vientiane has more to offer once we move. Pem seems to think so.

time to hit the road..its 5 p.m.

Action lists

A few thinking points, some directly related to climate change, some indirectly..no apologies for the anger that you may think I feel in some of these items.

1. Throw garbage properly
2. Reuse, recycle, reduce!
3. Stop freaking feeding fish with rice and bread so that you can see all the cute fishies!! SHEESH!
4. Turn off the damn light when you leave the room.
5. Walk a little more, drive a little less
6. Carpool, its not so bad you know.
7. Eat less AMERICA! Talk about excess.
8. Help other people more
9. Stop whining about your life, be productive somehow. Even if it is to just make your own bed.
10. Lighten up, enjoy life more, enjoy your people more, appreciate it exactly how it is.

What can you do to make the world a better place?

Captain Planet

You don't need to be a climate change specialist, or a scientist for that matter to know that the weather we are experiencing around the world is intensifying. Bigger floods, bigger devastation during earthquakes, larger land slides..

I am WELL aware that its cyclic...the problem is we are hastening the pace, we are modifying the normal cycle,...which is where the problem lies.

And yes, its easy to go all gloom and doom and say its climate change, but its a little more complicated and a little more related to you than that.

Why are 'riverside luxury apartments' so coveted? Ahh yeah, because of the river view. And the ocean front villa...why not invest in areas that are set back and leave the beaches and river fronts free of structures? So that when the floods arrive (which are natural in flood plains mind you) won't cause so much devastation.

Why do we construct buildings in earthquake prone areas that are not built for earthquake zones? Why do these buildings get approved? Ahh kase its only a 1 in 25 year event...so the odds are good..except when the earthquake happens..

Why live right in the valley, right at the edge of the mountain..ahh, because its the best area to cultivate, and then cut down the trees so that you can plant things, and then when the rain comes, the soil isn't stable and causes land slides...and we wonder why??

In Laos, in Manila, I still see people throw garbage in the streets, people throw garbage in the river/ocean..and we wonder why the sewers are clogged?

I know, I know, the governments also have responsibilities, but so do you. To use the aircon a little less, to turn your computer off when you aren't using it, to use your car less, to reuse and recycle.

I guess calamities are a wake up call. Nature is bringing attention to itself. Its time we paid attention.

Captain planet is a cartoon--need I state the obvious?

Climate change and I

I'm having trouble coming up with a title for this one..I want to be encouraging, optimistic, but I can't seem to find the words.

I first came across the climate change concept in 1989 or 1990, I was hmm 13? It was the big time magazine article...and it changed my life. From then on, i was an advocate for reduced usage of natural resources, throwing garbage in the right place, reducing waste and energy efficiency..I wanted to be part of something that made the world a better place..

Its now 24 years later..and where am I with this crusade of mine?

I went into Marine Biology, focusing professionally on resource management. I was and will always be an activist NGO kid at heart..fighting for the rights of the animals and plants that can't speak...BUT I realized after a while, that there are some of us that can fight the demon from within. We have to be realistic..I realized that NGOs do many many great things, but its the big companies that do all the damage, that can get away with things..and I realized that I still need to make a living, and eat, and survive in this dog eat dog world..

I got into consulting, so that I could take on projects and make a difference in the projects that I do. One of my clients was a coal fire power plant..but they were doing their part, trying to maintain environmental standards, trying to do things the right way...I was advising companies to invest in sanctuaries and protected areas...

I am now involved in the most controversial hydropower project. Controversial for its impact on the communities, on the environment, and controversial because its the first hydropower project that the WB and ADB are backing in a realllllly long time. And for this, we have gone a bit overkill on the social and environmental measures that have been put into place, but still, people criticize and complain about our efforts.

I came to work here knowing the challenges..but my point on leaving my comfort zone was to push myself to the limit. To be a catalyst from within.

It has been said that the concerns about the environment are 'the worries of the rich', as the rich have the luxury to think past the basic water food and shelter necessities..in some ways this is true. Rich nations are quick to stipulate rules on usage of natural resources, casting a blind eye on what made them rich in the first place...What needs to happen is, as the girl who spoke in the UN meeting articulated, we need to work as one earth, one world, all in it together..

I love my job, as I am a cog in the wheel of change. I don't need to be a major piece of the puzzle, all I know is if I do my part, and if everyone does theirs too, then we'll all be doing our part in making the world a better, happier and peaceful place to live in..

Forget the 'hoax' or 'conspiracy theory' concepts...forget the economic perspective too..this is not a race, this is not a competition of who is strongest, who is biggest, the environment doesn't understand politics.. the logic of everything in moderation is really, the most intelligent thing I have ever heard of. If you drink too much, you get drunk, if you eat too much you get fat. Cause, and effect. Do we really need to wait until the effect is much worse than the current catastrophes we've had to live through to start living responsibly?

Have a think about how you live your life. Are you doing your part?

Timing V2

Okay, I just uploaded old entries from other blogs, mainly to fill in the gaps in stories, to give the full feel of the dramas I created for myself in the time my sister was ill.

But this also gave me the opportunity to look back through a lot of things I have written.

First of all I'm hesitant to share this openly, because its quite raw..and maybe difficult to appreciate or relate to..and because its so raw, I might open myself to criticism. On the other hand, as I said in an earlier blog, maybe this angst is all for nothing, and no one reads what I have to write..but just as long as it helps anyone who reads it, then its good for me...

But back to timing for a second.

I'm revisiting that title, because its apt. I look back and think about everything that I went through, and even surprising is the way I anticipted change, and scientifically dissecting my emotions..what a weirdo. But timing because even how Pem fits into this all is perfect timing..as I may never have come to Laos, I may never have taken this job, and never had met him if the chips didn't fall the way they did,..

Not that the 'other story' that would have evolved wouldn't have been interesting (assuming you chose to do B and then it sends you to page 31 and NOT page 40..) but well, this is it, this is me, the here and now.

I re read my stuff and know that I am cynical. I know that I am rude about certain things and extremely passionate about others. I may have friends who think I am harsh in my criticisms of the world, the people..whatever..but well..this is who I am. And this is what I think.

Here goes nothing.

The time is now..

Ming. Out.