I don't know if this is real, this compassionate anxiety, but maybe its like telekenesis in some ways, as one person can channel their anxiety to another, even from miles away.
I mean, I know how anxiety feels:
Feel dizzy-- CHECK
Nausea-- CHECK
Irrational thoughts of doom-- CHECK CHECK CHECK.
I have to say, during the time of my sister's illness I did not feel anxious. I felt responsible. I had to take the pole position and turn my emotion switch off. I had trouble turning it back on..but that is a different story altogether.
I DID feel anxious in the first stages of falling in love last 2007. Most likely because I was just coming from an emotional black hole and then shoved into a rainbow of feelings..its like alcohol or lsd for the first time..Even just the thought of Pem would make me feel like throwing up. I was constantly in a cold sweat and had thought of our potential relationship and its imminent failure in 2,328 ways. I don't believe that this is what one has to go through to know love in its truest sense..I just think it was just the time in my life.
But NOW, this is totally different.
I have a friend who is troubled. And this friend has found a way to channel compassionate anxiety my way..The irrational thoughts, the nausea, the dizzy spells..all CHECK! Sheesh..
But, honestly, I don't mind. If I can be an exit point of the stress, then fine..but I did tell my friend that they should tell me when they ARE anxious, so I can anticipate the jolt of emotion and NOT imagine that my life is on the edge and that the issues are mine.
Being a good friend means that sometimes, you need to take the shots.
Friday, July 24, 2009
Saturday, July 04, 2009
Updates, news and whatever comes out of my head
Well, I must share that I am now, 99.999% married. We just need to sign our names on the dotted line, which we will cheesily do on my birthday, the 28th. (note to self--but ticket home already!, oh and check out credit card bill)
Its quite an odd system they have here. Took us 6 months to get it all done, from documents from the DFA to our police interviews, medicals, and every government official having a look at our income (okay, mine only, as I am the foreigner).. and I am now imagining the police lady handing over our paper work to someone who is now applying for the same thing as a 'model to follow' like they did for us..yeah, I got handed over someone elses wedding papers (some guy who works for the UN--imagine) including his bank statements.. no sense of confidentiality at all..oh well.
Have had funny discussions with friends recently and some thoughts have come from this..
People don't really change, a**es from the past, will most likely still be a**es in the future. Unless they have some sort of life changing event, don't expect people to change drastically. A few small habits here and there, yeah, but a change? Suggest you be the one to change instead.
Drama is like a drug, something that should be avoided and/or outlawed.
On another note..
I am still hesitant to broadcast this blog, maybe because its too close to the heart, but is that so bad really? Well, lets see, soon.
Its quite an odd system they have here. Took us 6 months to get it all done, from documents from the DFA to our police interviews, medicals, and every government official having a look at our income (okay, mine only, as I am the foreigner).. and I am now imagining the police lady handing over our paper work to someone who is now applying for the same thing as a 'model to follow' like they did for us..yeah, I got handed over someone elses wedding papers (some guy who works for the UN--imagine) including his bank statements.. no sense of confidentiality at all..oh well.
Have had funny discussions with friends recently and some thoughts have come from this..
People don't really change, a**es from the past, will most likely still be a**es in the future. Unless they have some sort of life changing event, don't expect people to change drastically. A few small habits here and there, yeah, but a change? Suggest you be the one to change instead.
Drama is like a drug, something that should be avoided and/or outlawed.
On another note..
I am still hesitant to broadcast this blog, maybe because its too close to the heart, but is that so bad really? Well, lets see, soon.
Friday, June 19, 2009
soft opening
I've had this for a few years now, and I again, think that I should be paying for this site, as it helped me recover to the state that I am in now..all happy and shiny, well about love that is, I'm so NOT happy and shiny about many other things--> the state of our nation, hunger around the world, environmental degradation...
but in any case, I am now, opening this blog to the world. I'm a little worried about the criticisms and crappy comments about my thoughts, worried that I may post some sort of racial slur accidentally (like I did yesterday on fb!) and get crucified for it (sheesh, isn't that another rude thing to say?)
But I have been encouraged by a few friends, that I write real, and I write raw. I'm not trying to gain popularity, and I have no affiliations with anyone. I love my friends and am not here to share their dirty secrets. We all have secrets. We are also all human, so be nice, okay?
I'm also trying to import my posts from friendster, but, I'm not too good at this, as tech savvy as I am, I can't download torrents.
My thought for today is:
The Philippines Sucks. It really does. Its time we all owned up to it. Our politics suck. The fact that we have millions of hungry people makes us suck. The fact that we are getting robbed blind by people in power makes us suck. The fact that our senate meets about videos instead of doing their work and we STILL watch it on TV makes us suck. We have a false sense of social with all of our swanky malls, our coffee shops and country clubs, but at the end of the day, we don't care about each other, about our nation, but we will happily complain about it.
When are the people in power going to answer for the problems they have caused? And when are we going to take responsibility for making our country the way it is because we have been apathetic?
hmph. not shiny and surely not happy.
Here it goes!
but in any case, I am now, opening this blog to the world. I'm a little worried about the criticisms and crappy comments about my thoughts, worried that I may post some sort of racial slur accidentally (like I did yesterday on fb!) and get crucified for it (sheesh, isn't that another rude thing to say?)
But I have been encouraged by a few friends, that I write real, and I write raw. I'm not trying to gain popularity, and I have no affiliations with anyone. I love my friends and am not here to share their dirty secrets. We all have secrets. We are also all human, so be nice, okay?
I'm also trying to import my posts from friendster, but, I'm not too good at this, as tech savvy as I am, I can't download torrents.
My thought for today is:
The Philippines Sucks. It really does. Its time we all owned up to it. Our politics suck. The fact that we have millions of hungry people makes us suck. The fact that we are getting robbed blind by people in power makes us suck. The fact that our senate meets about videos instead of doing their work and we STILL watch it on TV makes us suck. We have a false sense of social with all of our swanky malls, our coffee shops and country clubs, but at the end of the day, we don't care about each other, about our nation, but we will happily complain about it.
When are the people in power going to answer for the problems they have caused? And when are we going to take responsibility for making our country the way it is because we have been apathetic?
hmph. not shiny and surely not happy.
Here it goes!
People and their power
Our society has many problems. More ills than the days of Noli Me Tangere and the cancers described. In actual fact, those cancers have morphed into something even worse, faster growing and more deadly, and we don’t have Jose Rizal to write about it anymore. We do have some bloggers who have so much to share, but maybe it’s the acquired apathy of being screwed over for so long, or the hunger that others feel so they don’t have enough energy to focus on rallies and taking a stance or that there are too many blogs people get confused..I’m not really sure where the problem lies..
The situation is so complex now its hard to determine exactly who needs to act to get a serious uprising, a serious government willing to pave the way for us, and, from my green perspective, a serious citizen, willing to fight against environmental issues.
It has been proven over time, that one man can make a difference, that people who stand together can make a change. The question is, aren't you sick of how things are right now? And what you are you going to do about it?
Did you join the rally or was it just 'so init' you couldn't stand the heat? Do you sit in your car alone driving to work, happy about your 'quiet time', not even thinking twice about carpooling and utilizing resources a little better?
Tell me your stomach didnt turn when the senate took in the whole video scandal, with matching throwing of water on that idiot who got caught taping his girls. I couldn't even stomach watching the telenovela unfold, in real time, with the boy looking over his shoulder saying 'my life could be in danger, they could have people in here'..
I deserve a better government, one that stands for my rights, for my basic needs. You deserve a better government, one that is just and moral and with dignity. We all deserve a better country.
I am angry. You should be too. If there were a rally here in Laos, I would travel the 4 hrs to Vientiane to attend it, to show that I am sick and tired of this all.
With great power comes great responsibility, don't people get that anymore?
The situation is so complex now its hard to determine exactly who needs to act to get a serious uprising, a serious government willing to pave the way for us, and, from my green perspective, a serious citizen, willing to fight against environmental issues.
It has been proven over time, that one man can make a difference, that people who stand together can make a change. The question is, aren't you sick of how things are right now? And what you are you going to do about it?
Did you join the rally or was it just 'so init' you couldn't stand the heat? Do you sit in your car alone driving to work, happy about your 'quiet time', not even thinking twice about carpooling and utilizing resources a little better?
Tell me your stomach didnt turn when the senate took in the whole video scandal, with matching throwing of water on that idiot who got caught taping his girls. I couldn't even stomach watching the telenovela unfold, in real time, with the boy looking over his shoulder saying 'my life could be in danger, they could have people in here'..
I deserve a better government, one that stands for my rights, for my basic needs. You deserve a better government, one that is just and moral and with dignity. We all deserve a better country.
I am angry. You should be too. If there were a rally here in Laos, I would travel the 4 hrs to Vientiane to attend it, to show that I am sick and tired of this all.
With great power comes great responsibility, don't people get that anymore?
Thursday, May 28, 2009
The here and now
I started this blog with a lot of angst, a lot of which I have let go of by now (not all mind you, just a lot). It's now been a while (3 years?) since my last angsty entry, and 4 since changes happened.
I am now, good.
I have lost 50 pounds in total. I know, how did I let myself gain all that weight, but sometimes you don't notice, it just happens and then boom, you come out of your cloud and you see yourself in the mirror and you wonder what happened. I don't remember eating myself out of house and home. I don't remember overindulging.. but I do remember a LOT of alcohol and extreme snacking. The good thing is, I did it the legit way. Exercise and diet. I just changed gear and dug my heels in (against myself) and thought I want to be 130 lbs again. Okay, am still 10 off, but 140 is WAY closer than 190! As I have said to those bad bad people who said 'Ang taba mo!' (in a rude way, not in a Ming, lose weight please way), in my mind (and sometimes it came out of my mouth) 'At least weight I can lose, I doubt you will have luck losing your crappy attitude'
I am in love. Yes, surprisingly so. I think back to when I first left Manila, thinking 'Dein, I am safe and sound, no love prospect on site! Focus on work, 2 years then back home!'..fast forward to the now...all happy and shiny, ready to get married in January..Not so keen on the whole bride-wedding plans stuff though, Vegas sounds so appealing!
I still analyze myself too often. I still feel fear. I still get those moments that I know its safer not to extend myself to anyone, to avoid drama and pain..but that is not living, that is merely existing. And I am here to live.
So, in the next few months I am going to edit my posts (only slightly) for public viewing. If people read it and comment, good. If not, its also good..I don't mind really. This blog was opened to save my soul, to keep me sane, and that it did..so maybe it will help someone else out there..you never know..
ming. out.
I am now, good.
I have lost 50 pounds in total. I know, how did I let myself gain all that weight, but sometimes you don't notice, it just happens and then boom, you come out of your cloud and you see yourself in the mirror and you wonder what happened. I don't remember eating myself out of house and home. I don't remember overindulging.. but I do remember a LOT of alcohol and extreme snacking. The good thing is, I did it the legit way. Exercise and diet. I just changed gear and dug my heels in (against myself) and thought I want to be 130 lbs again. Okay, am still 10 off, but 140 is WAY closer than 190! As I have said to those bad bad people who said 'Ang taba mo!' (in a rude way, not in a Ming, lose weight please way), in my mind (and sometimes it came out of my mouth) 'At least weight I can lose, I doubt you will have luck losing your crappy attitude'
I am in love. Yes, surprisingly so. I think back to when I first left Manila, thinking 'Dein, I am safe and sound, no love prospect on site! Focus on work, 2 years then back home!'..fast forward to the now...all happy and shiny, ready to get married in January..Not so keen on the whole bride-wedding plans stuff though, Vegas sounds so appealing!
I still analyze myself too often. I still feel fear. I still get those moments that I know its safer not to extend myself to anyone, to avoid drama and pain..but that is not living, that is merely existing. And I am here to live.
So, in the next few months I am going to edit my posts (only slightly) for public viewing. If people read it and comment, good. If not, its also good..I don't mind really. This blog was opened to save my soul, to keep me sane, and that it did..so maybe it will help someone else out there..you never know..
ming. out.
Wednesday, April 08, 2009
Spring Cleaning
I have been remiss. At first it was because I couldn't open my multiply..and then busy with work (still am), and life, well, it all just takes time! But, I've decided its time to get my act together..
Okay, first things first:
1. Wedding-- F$%K! I'm so behind schedule, I'm skitsing! ANNNND the venue I want is a bit hmm, not so used to holding weddings? The coordinator emailed me today and said (I quote with comments)
Dear Ms. Melody & Mr. Soukthavy,We are pleased to inform you that we can't offer you as your request in this time before you sign to confirm with us.(ooookkay pass that by me again? you are pleased to inform me??)
Because of the policy of our hotel, but after you sign to confirm, we will give you two food in our menu for your testing before your wedding one week. (so you expect me to sign the contract first, requiring 50% downpayment and THEN you will let me taste TWO things on the menu A WEEK before my wedding??)
And about the flower arrangement. We arrange as normal is not so nice, we will do on the reception table and food table also.( I responded that they should reduce their overall price if they thought their own flower arrangement substandard..don't give me your flowers!)
So, for those of you who know me well..you expect me to accept tasting the food A WEEK before? I would have broken out in hives by then! I emailed them back nicely saying lets meet this weekend to discuss and that I will need to test the food to sign on, no questions asked (though, a friend of mine says I wont even get to eat at the wedding--so EVEN MORE should we have the taste test!)
Everything is behind schedule..sheesh, the wedsite, the invite list (but this isn't scheduled to be sent to the printer til July)..okay yeah, I'm anal, I KNOW.
2. Work-- I have TWO hands and a procrastinating nature..I also have a threshold, once you give me work that OTHER PEOPLE ARE PAID TO DO, I get a leetttllllee annoyed and MORE procrastinaty. Even if two hands can juggle 10 balls, well, one is bound to fall and I DONT JUGGLE, I organize! hehehe. Okay, this aside I do enjoy my work, though I think I am on like a long hate list, as there are more and more people who are lazy, but I ride their butts to get it done..on the other hand there are those CREATIVE (read: people with initiative, sablay nga lang) and man, what a mess!
Well, am stressed right now, I have three documents (1 is 79 pages, 1 is about 50 and the other 30) that need to be finished by FRIDAY lunch. I need a miracle (okay, actually all I need coke and a quiet space that has no internet)
3. Love- My last entry about love was all sooo cheesy..and the update here is, we are still, queso as ever. I will write something about this on its own :) he he he.
Okay, thats it for now, I have a deadline and no WAY am I taking work on my holiday!
Manila here I come--YAY!!
Okay, first things first:
1. Wedding-- F$%K! I'm so behind schedule, I'm skitsing! ANNNND the venue I want is a bit hmm, not so used to holding weddings? The coordinator emailed me today and said (I quote with comments)
Dear Ms. Melody & Mr. Soukthavy,We are pleased to inform you that we can't offer you as your request in this time before you sign to confirm with us.(ooookkay pass that by me again? you are pleased to inform me??)
Because of the policy of our hotel, but after you sign to confirm, we will give you two food in our menu for your testing before your wedding one week. (so you expect me to sign the contract first, requiring 50% downpayment and THEN you will let me taste TWO things on the menu A WEEK before my wedding??)
And about the flower arrangement. We arrange as normal is not so nice, we will do on the reception table and food table also.( I responded that they should reduce their overall price if they thought their own flower arrangement substandard..don't give me your flowers!)
So, for those of you who know me well..you expect me to accept tasting the food A WEEK before? I would have broken out in hives by then! I emailed them back nicely saying lets meet this weekend to discuss and that I will need to test the food to sign on, no questions asked (though, a friend of mine says I wont even get to eat at the wedding--so EVEN MORE should we have the taste test!)
Everything is behind schedule..sheesh, the wedsite, the invite list (but this isn't scheduled to be sent to the printer til July)..okay yeah, I'm anal, I KNOW.
2. Work-- I have TWO hands and a procrastinating nature..I also have a threshold, once you give me work that OTHER PEOPLE ARE PAID TO DO, I get a leetttllllee annoyed and MORE procrastinaty. Even if two hands can juggle 10 balls, well, one is bound to fall and I DONT JUGGLE, I organize! hehehe. Okay, this aside I do enjoy my work, though I think I am on like a long hate list, as there are more and more people who are lazy, but I ride their butts to get it done..on the other hand there are those CREATIVE (read: people with initiative, sablay nga lang) and man, what a mess!
Well, am stressed right now, I have three documents (1 is 79 pages, 1 is about 50 and the other 30) that need to be finished by FRIDAY lunch. I need a miracle (okay, actually all I need coke and a quiet space that has no internet)
3. Love- My last entry about love was all sooo cheesy..and the update here is, we are still, queso as ever. I will write something about this on its own :) he he he.
Okay, thats it for now, I have a deadline and no WAY am I taking work on my holiday!
Manila here I come--YAY!!
Friday, March 27, 2009
Five years after the ICU
For the past few days I've been thinking about making a post..what kind of update, do I talk about my lack of time to plan the wedding? Do I talk about how happy I am (booorrinngg), do I talk about my cutie dog?..I couldn't think, so I let it sit.
Last night in bed, I had trouble sleeping. Well, I normally have trouble, but last night was more than usual..but then, instead of trying to sleep I got to thinking for some reason about 5 years ago, March 2005.
Some memories are vivid, some are so hazy, not sure if that is intentional because the vivid ones INCLUDE the bad ones.
I remember the day I was called. Can't remember who called me na, was it Mel? Was it Daddy? I was on the supercat from Dumaguete to Cebu, it was just about to leave. 10 mins later and I wouldn't have gotten the call to make the flight home. I got to Cebu, I packed a back pack and jumped on the flight to Manila. I do remember that it was Mel who picked me up, and took me straight to Asian. I do remember that Marissa and I were 'fighting' again, but she called me after I left her a message of 'I wouldn't call you right now if it wasn't important'...I know that day changed the lives of at least 9 people, 10 including me.
I lived in Asian Hospital from November 27 to January 4. I think I left all of 3 days, for a maximum of 8 hours (including sleeping time)except for the day of Naomi's wedding. I do recall vividly that while in the ICU, I slept an average of 2 hours per day, and that I had a good friend there with me, doing exactly the same thing.
I knew the menu of the food of skyline catering by heart. I was checking her blood pressure every half an hour. I remember trying to alleviate the load of my parents..though I did this for two reasons, one of which was selfish..I couldn't handle it if I had two people ill, one was enough for now thanks. The other being I wanted to save my parents the pain of every small detail..which I think I did, and am glad I did...I remember taking the valium instead of giving it to my mother, and Nette taking the other one that the doctor gave for mommy too.
My life is not the chaos it used to be. If you had asked me then would I be in Laos working for the biggest Hydro project (multi purpose project) thats being touted as the 'project to follow' with regards to environmental and social safeguards in place..I would have laughed. I mean, hello, LAND LOCKED! If you had asked me then would I be getting married soon to someone not from home or from my circle, I would have surely scoffed at that too, because I would have never imagined to live so far from my friends, my people..
I was lucky though, because I tackled my life issues as if it were a scientific experiment, something that starts with a hypothesis, a set of parameters and a problem that just needed the right formula to be solved.
I would never wish that someone go through what I went through. And no, I'm not trying to over sensationalize my feelings, as if its all about *me*..it's not. It was about all of us.
And though my life may no longer be in chaos, I still have those moments in bed thinking about that time, and it really has scarred me for life. I still feel the pain in my chest when I think too hard, and still feel tears when I picture things in my head.
It's my sister's birthday in a week. It's been five years since all hell broke loose in our house, and it may not be back to normal, but I can't say I am not proud of my sister who now works, who had a life schedule, who gets stuff done. I can't say I haven't been critical, especially since I feel as if I have lost out the most (my perspective)..I can't say that I don't expect more from her just BECAUSE she is my sister, the daughter of my father. We are products of hard working earnest people, so I do have high expectations of her and myself. We are not half assed, we are do or don't. Perhaps the time will come when I will accept that its not 'we' its 'me'..but I am not there yet.
But for now, its time for a cease fire, as we are going to celebrate life and love and survival. We have survived. We have risen from the ashes stronger, more determined, more real and tangible..happy birthday Sparks!
This is my life. With all its dramas, all its cliff hangers, all its dull moments, everything.. I appreciate my life and the people I share it with. And that includes you. so thank you, for being there, either in thought, action or truancy. I am okay because of you.
Last night in bed, I had trouble sleeping. Well, I normally have trouble, but last night was more than usual..but then, instead of trying to sleep I got to thinking for some reason about 5 years ago, March 2005.
Some memories are vivid, some are so hazy, not sure if that is intentional because the vivid ones INCLUDE the bad ones.
I remember the day I was called. Can't remember who called me na, was it Mel? Was it Daddy? I was on the supercat from Dumaguete to Cebu, it was just about to leave. 10 mins later and I wouldn't have gotten the call to make the flight home. I got to Cebu, I packed a back pack and jumped on the flight to Manila. I do remember that it was Mel who picked me up, and took me straight to Asian. I do remember that Marissa and I were 'fighting' again, but she called me after I left her a message of 'I wouldn't call you right now if it wasn't important'...I know that day changed the lives of at least 9 people, 10 including me.
I lived in Asian Hospital from November 27 to January 4. I think I left all of 3 days, for a maximum of 8 hours (including sleeping time)except for the day of Naomi's wedding. I do recall vividly that while in the ICU, I slept an average of 2 hours per day, and that I had a good friend there with me, doing exactly the same thing.
I knew the menu of the food of skyline catering by heart. I was checking her blood pressure every half an hour. I remember trying to alleviate the load of my parents..though I did this for two reasons, one of which was selfish..I couldn't handle it if I had two people ill, one was enough for now thanks. The other being I wanted to save my parents the pain of every small detail..which I think I did, and am glad I did...I remember taking the valium instead of giving it to my mother, and Nette taking the other one that the doctor gave for mommy too.
My life is not the chaos it used to be. If you had asked me then would I be in Laos working for the biggest Hydro project (multi purpose project) thats being touted as the 'project to follow' with regards to environmental and social safeguards in place..I would have laughed. I mean, hello, LAND LOCKED! If you had asked me then would I be getting married soon to someone not from home or from my circle, I would have surely scoffed at that too, because I would have never imagined to live so far from my friends, my people..
I was lucky though, because I tackled my life issues as if it were a scientific experiment, something that starts with a hypothesis, a set of parameters and a problem that just needed the right formula to be solved.
I would never wish that someone go through what I went through. And no, I'm not trying to over sensationalize my feelings, as if its all about *me*..it's not. It was about all of us.
And though my life may no longer be in chaos, I still have those moments in bed thinking about that time, and it really has scarred me for life. I still feel the pain in my chest when I think too hard, and still feel tears when I picture things in my head.
It's my sister's birthday in a week. It's been five years since all hell broke loose in our house, and it may not be back to normal, but I can't say I am not proud of my sister who now works, who had a life schedule, who gets stuff done. I can't say I haven't been critical, especially since I feel as if I have lost out the most (my perspective)..I can't say that I don't expect more from her just BECAUSE she is my sister, the daughter of my father. We are products of hard working earnest people, so I do have high expectations of her and myself. We are not half assed, we are do or don't. Perhaps the time will come when I will accept that its not 'we' its 'me'..but I am not there yet.
But for now, its time for a cease fire, as we are going to celebrate life and love and survival. We have survived. We have risen from the ashes stronger, more determined, more real and tangible..happy birthday Sparks!
This is my life. With all its dramas, all its cliff hangers, all its dull moments, everything.. I appreciate my life and the people I share it with. And that includes you. so thank you, for being there, either in thought, action or truancy. I am okay because of you.
Monday, August 25, 2008
An old friend
I don't know if I ever got to thank him. Maybe he thinks that I didn't appreciate all the time and attention he gave me when I needed a friend, I surely hope he does because without him, I could have easily imploded and not chosen the path that I have and things could be different now.
I am hesitant by nature. I am, analysis paralysis. I have issues, from the past and the present, and well, I know this clouds judgement.
At the time when I was still thinking 'will I or won't I' I re-connected with a friend of mine from grade school/middle school--Dana.
He walked me through my dramas, and emotions and well, everything actually, and in the end, I came out a little more clear headed, a little more determined and a little less afraid..
Some days, you just need to thank your lucky stars for friends like these..because they are one in a million.
And everyone needs a friend like this in their lives.
Thanks Dana, I'm not lying when I say you are a life saver.
I am hesitant by nature. I am, analysis paralysis. I have issues, from the past and the present, and well, I know this clouds judgement.
At the time when I was still thinking 'will I or won't I' I re-connected with a friend of mine from grade school/middle school--Dana.
He walked me through my dramas, and emotions and well, everything actually, and in the end, I came out a little more clear headed, a little more determined and a little less afraid..
Some days, you just need to thank your lucky stars for friends like these..because they are one in a million.
And everyone needs a friend like this in their lives.
Thanks Dana, I'm not lying when I say you are a life saver.
Thursday, July 17, 2008
Haiku
Red orange yellow
The sun shines brightly on you
Hope springs eternal
this haiku of mine is somewhat representative of everyday these days.. Don't get me wrong..am still dark, broody, cynical yet optimistic ming...but well, hehehe, yeah.
Today is the first day of Buddhist lent. I did catholic lent, ash wednesday to sacrificing 6 things for 40 days...though sorry mommy, didn't do the passion and the visita iglesia., and now its Buddhist lent, which runs for 3 months, and again, I decided to give up a few things to gain more clarity.
I'm feeling a little tired, possibly from my crazy weekend. I went home for mommy's surgery, which went well, but sleeping in the chair at Makati Med for 3 nights (4 days-- parang hotel booking) is surely no club med experience...but the lack of sleep was fine as I got to hang with my bro, my cousins, my parents...see my crappy dogs who are really, so cute..and see some friends..thanks for visiting me at the hospital you guys. In the 4 days I was home, I saw my room and my house all of 5 hours I think..but its alright..at least I got mommy in and out of the hospital, safe and sound.
As I got out the car at the NAIA terminal, I felt a kick ass pang of homesickness..I looked back and daddy was waving at me from the car, and I wanted to cry...because I miss my people so much. I am soooo looking forward to christmas.
Back to my haiku. I read a blog today, Zharine's, and you know, its been 15 years since high school graduation..does time fly or what? But i have no regrets...life brings you challenges and blessings, and its what you make out of it that counts..so live every day like its a new day bearing in mind that you should hold yourself accountable for all your actions and reactions.
So, if I can ask all my friends/family who read this entry of mine, to give a little love and kindness, to someone, to anyone..give someone you care about a hug, a real one that says you are really here, or help someone in need...and (but ofcourse) show some kindness to the world that we live in, throw your garbage properly or advise someone else to do the same..or turn lights off when you leave a space...
hugs from here :)
The sun shines brightly on you
Hope springs eternal
this haiku of mine is somewhat representative of everyday these days.. Don't get me wrong..am still dark, broody, cynical yet optimistic ming...but well, hehehe, yeah.
Today is the first day of Buddhist lent. I did catholic lent, ash wednesday to sacrificing 6 things for 40 days...though sorry mommy, didn't do the passion and the visita iglesia., and now its Buddhist lent, which runs for 3 months, and again, I decided to give up a few things to gain more clarity.
I'm feeling a little tired, possibly from my crazy weekend. I went home for mommy's surgery, which went well, but sleeping in the chair at Makati Med for 3 nights (4 days-- parang hotel booking) is surely no club med experience...but the lack of sleep was fine as I got to hang with my bro, my cousins, my parents...see my crappy dogs who are really, so cute..and see some friends..thanks for visiting me at the hospital you guys. In the 4 days I was home, I saw my room and my house all of 5 hours I think..but its alright..at least I got mommy in and out of the hospital, safe and sound.
As I got out the car at the NAIA terminal, I felt a kick ass pang of homesickness..I looked back and daddy was waving at me from the car, and I wanted to cry...because I miss my people so much. I am soooo looking forward to christmas.
Back to my haiku. I read a blog today, Zharine's, and you know, its been 15 years since high school graduation..does time fly or what? But i have no regrets...life brings you challenges and blessings, and its what you make out of it that counts..so live every day like its a new day bearing in mind that you should hold yourself accountable for all your actions and reactions.
So, if I can ask all my friends/family who read this entry of mine, to give a little love and kindness, to someone, to anyone..give someone you care about a hug, a real one that says you are really here, or help someone in need...and (but ofcourse) show some kindness to the world that we live in, throw your garbage properly or advise someone else to do the same..or turn lights off when you leave a space...
hugs from here :)
Thursday, February 14, 2008
Common denominators
We learned about common denominators in maths, a very long time ago..and back then, from memory, I was in the 'slow at maths' section since I hated numbers (and still somewhat do), with Mrs. Nutter (whom I saw on Oprah a few years back, can't remember what she was doing on Oprah though!)..but you know..if only they taught us about common denominators differently, I might have gotten it..and am going to make a laughable attempt now.
Common denominators are necessary to relate one item to another. Like apples and oranges. They are different, but they have a few common denominators. They are both fruit, and you can count them (depending on how many there are of each) and though there are differences, you can say you have 5 pieces of fruit, no need to know if they are apples or oranges.
Friendships have common denominators too, like you are all crazy, or all spoiled little f#$%s, or all girls, or all football players.. I have a common denominator base with all the people in my life.
So, as I now move into a new box called 'ming in a relationship' with all new subfolders and new chances to colour code shit, its nice to know two of our common denominators:
1. We are both extremely serious people
2. We are both extremely fun people
How these two are antonyms and still be present in one, and be found in two..how cute.
We have more ofcourse but no need for those details right now..
Ha ha ha, ofcourse I am being cheesy, I'm in love!
Common denominators are necessary to relate one item to another. Like apples and oranges. They are different, but they have a few common denominators. They are both fruit, and you can count them (depending on how many there are of each) and though there are differences, you can say you have 5 pieces of fruit, no need to know if they are apples or oranges.
Friendships have common denominators too, like you are all crazy, or all spoiled little f#$%s, or all girls, or all football players.. I have a common denominator base with all the people in my life.
So, as I now move into a new box called 'ming in a relationship' with all new subfolders and new chances to colour code shit, its nice to know two of our common denominators:
1. We are both extremely serious people
2. We are both extremely fun people
How these two are antonyms and still be present in one, and be found in two..how cute.
We have more ofcourse but no need for those details right now..
Ha ha ha, ofcourse I am being cheesy, I'm in love!
Friday, February 01, 2008
Preparations
I am usually prepared, but sometimes, you can catch me unaware, and somehow those things that catch me unaware can kinda take my breath away.
Today, I was made to realize (which is different from comprehend) that I may be a marine biologist, but there is a high probability that I will never practice that skill as a professional again. That is, unless, right now, right this month, I cut and run and go academe, go full on research or go do my PhD.
It's been my dream to do all that, and i have, I did, I was happy, it was great,...I love the sea, i love reasearch...I didn't even WANT to deal with people, I wanted to be a lab person, dealing with pipettes and beakers and samples and theories..
But somehow, my world was directed towards resource management and project management, still with the environment but not so marine.
I always used to say that you would be lucky to get paid to do what you love, and if you don't get to do what you love, do it when you can, like weekends and holidays, because this is what keeps the spark.
But I can't seriously complain can I..I am still in the same storm, just on a different side, just with different challenges and issues, but still, its a job with passion and a job with consequences..its important, not just to me, or the corporation, or the government, but for the people that I make decisions for..like livelihood plans and information dissemination. People's lives depend on decisions that I am involved in making..and I can't sniff at that..
Some idiot said recently that I kiss corporate ass...me? of all people..if you only knew! I'm so anti corporation, so pro development and capacity building, am so anti commerce, its crazy to be accused of something I am not..but I believe I have learned how to deal with criticism with grace now, not so hot headed (was I ever?) and not too passionate that I am labeled a tree hugger or a fish kisser..Im more realistic, more goal oriented, that you have to be strategic to get to your goals...just as long as you get to them...
So yeah, I wasn't prepared for this realization today. My boss/co-worker said today 'trust me, its true, you will never work as a researcher for marine science now, you are more than that and you have a new direction, I am an engineer and I had to face that I will never design a bridge ever again"-- I was caught unaware with this thought, and I thought I was prepared for most things these days..
Life never ceases to surprise me.
But I am stubborn and optimistic. I know me. I could still work in my chosen field...the question is, do I want to just because its what I want to do, or do I follow where my career seems to think I am needed?
ON TOP of this, I surely wasn't prepared to fall in love, but like l said, life never ceases to surprise me,...
Today, I was made to realize (which is different from comprehend) that I may be a marine biologist, but there is a high probability that I will never practice that skill as a professional again. That is, unless, right now, right this month, I cut and run and go academe, go full on research or go do my PhD.
It's been my dream to do all that, and i have, I did, I was happy, it was great,...I love the sea, i love reasearch...I didn't even WANT to deal with people, I wanted to be a lab person, dealing with pipettes and beakers and samples and theories..
But somehow, my world was directed towards resource management and project management, still with the environment but not so marine.
I always used to say that you would be lucky to get paid to do what you love, and if you don't get to do what you love, do it when you can, like weekends and holidays, because this is what keeps the spark.
But I can't seriously complain can I..I am still in the same storm, just on a different side, just with different challenges and issues, but still, its a job with passion and a job with consequences..its important, not just to me, or the corporation, or the government, but for the people that I make decisions for..like livelihood plans and information dissemination. People's lives depend on decisions that I am involved in making..and I can't sniff at that..
Some idiot said recently that I kiss corporate ass...me? of all people..if you only knew! I'm so anti corporation, so pro development and capacity building, am so anti commerce, its crazy to be accused of something I am not..but I believe I have learned how to deal with criticism with grace now, not so hot headed (was I ever?) and not too passionate that I am labeled a tree hugger or a fish kisser..Im more realistic, more goal oriented, that you have to be strategic to get to your goals...just as long as you get to them...
So yeah, I wasn't prepared for this realization today. My boss/co-worker said today 'trust me, its true, you will never work as a researcher for marine science now, you are more than that and you have a new direction, I am an engineer and I had to face that I will never design a bridge ever again"-- I was caught unaware with this thought, and I thought I was prepared for most things these days..
Life never ceases to surprise me.
But I am stubborn and optimistic. I know me. I could still work in my chosen field...the question is, do I want to just because its what I want to do, or do I follow where my career seems to think I am needed?
ON TOP of this, I surely wasn't prepared to fall in love, but like l said, life never ceases to surprise me,...
Tuesday, January 22, 2008
High School Love
This blog is of limited circulation, because at the moment I am using it more as a platform to share how I actually feel about something, and I don't have (you) my friends here to give me their comments, to make fun of me, or give me advice and all that...so, your comments and jokes are totally welcome as I need to feel like I have you to talk to this about here, as I go through this daily..(especially your jokes, I could certainly use some levity in this situation!)
I haven't fallen out of love with my ipod, but I would be lying if I didn't say my attention has refocused somewhat, elsewhere..
No, I'm not here to blog about who he is and why I like him. I want to focus on this high school feeling that can be good in some ways, but seriously suck in others.
I feel like I am having an asthma attack and ill in general...
Shortness of breath? CHECK
Light headed-ness? CHECK
Lack of concentration? CHECK
Loss of appetite? CHECK
Lack of sleep? (super) CHECK
Nauseous? CHECK
It sucks double because I am usually so logical, so in control, so restrictive about my emotions..and I feel so unsure about how to react, how to converse...its seriously driving me crazy!
But I can't dispute that sometimes, this also feels good..because I am finally (?) ready to relate to someone new and its good to feel :)
Alright alright, it feels good okay? I feel like a kid, not knowing what to do, what to say.
Yesterday, on our way back to GML, he offered me an apple. There were 4 of us, and he came up to me and said, would you like an apple?
Such a simple question, where, if anyone else said it to me, would not make me feel queasy and light headed..
Why does this feel so high school!
I haven't fallen out of love with my ipod, but I would be lying if I didn't say my attention has refocused somewhat, elsewhere..
No, I'm not here to blog about who he is and why I like him. I want to focus on this high school feeling that can be good in some ways, but seriously suck in others.
I feel like I am having an asthma attack and ill in general...
Shortness of breath? CHECK
Light headed-ness? CHECK
Lack of concentration? CHECK
Loss of appetite? CHECK
Lack of sleep? (super) CHECK
Nauseous? CHECK
It sucks double because I am usually so logical, so in control, so restrictive about my emotions..and I feel so unsure about how to react, how to converse...its seriously driving me crazy!
But I can't dispute that sometimes, this also feels good..because I am finally (?) ready to relate to someone new and its good to feel :)
Alright alright, it feels good okay? I feel like a kid, not knowing what to do, what to say.
Yesterday, on our way back to GML, he offered me an apple. There were 4 of us, and he came up to me and said, would you like an apple?
Such a simple question, where, if anyone else said it to me, would not make me feel queasy and light headed..
Why does this feel so high school!
Monday, November 19, 2007
Friction
Things change every day. how many times have we been told in this life that the only thing in life that is constant, is change (well, and death and taxes or something)...
Friction and drama only occurs when you resist change, when you can't let it flow like water off a duck's back..
I was discussing plans with a friend of mine today and the 'ming not having a plan' was something he thought alien, since I always have a plan (well, I do, a general one, not a specific action plan for now..ha ha ha) and he said
'I think people who don't make plans live happier lives'
I disagreed. It's only the anal plans that are too rigid and the people who make these plans that get bent out of shape when things don't go 'according to plan' that have issues, that aren't too happy.
So I said
"hmmm, I don't think so. I think somewhat planned is good, just as long as you are happy with the general plan, and if you don't get all anal when plans change...changing plans are okay, its resisting the change that causes all the drama"
I'm happy. Happier than I have been in 4 years. M said today that I am more relaxed than when I first arrived, i seem more centered, more happy. I am. It wasn't the leaving home or being sick and tired of being home that I needed to get away from. It was the needing quiet time, me time, reflection time..its like going to YE in high school, for that weekend to reflect upon your life..but this one, I had to actually work at the same time (because life doesn't stop when tragedy strikes), but its alright..I had the me time...so now, I'm all good.
Sooo, to you out there, who may be plan free, or over planned, or anally planned. This one's for you.
Life is short, and unless you are Buddhist, you only get one go. Make plans to inspire you, use plans and goals to drive you, but never let them rule your life, and change strategies when you have to..
I'm fulfilled by doing my part in life, how about you?
Friction and drama only occurs when you resist change, when you can't let it flow like water off a duck's back..
I was discussing plans with a friend of mine today and the 'ming not having a plan' was something he thought alien, since I always have a plan (well, I do, a general one, not a specific action plan for now..ha ha ha) and he said
'I think people who don't make plans live happier lives'
I disagreed. It's only the anal plans that are too rigid and the people who make these plans that get bent out of shape when things don't go 'according to plan' that have issues, that aren't too happy.
So I said
"hmmm, I don't think so. I think somewhat planned is good, just as long as you are happy with the general plan, and if you don't get all anal when plans change...changing plans are okay, its resisting the change that causes all the drama"
I'm happy. Happier than I have been in 4 years. M said today that I am more relaxed than when I first arrived, i seem more centered, more happy. I am. It wasn't the leaving home or being sick and tired of being home that I needed to get away from. It was the needing quiet time, me time, reflection time..its like going to YE in high school, for that weekend to reflect upon your life..but this one, I had to actually work at the same time (because life doesn't stop when tragedy strikes), but its alright..I had the me time...so now, I'm all good.
Sooo, to you out there, who may be plan free, or over planned, or anally planned. This one's for you.
Life is short, and unless you are Buddhist, you only get one go. Make plans to inspire you, use plans and goals to drive you, but never let them rule your life, and change strategies when you have to..
I'm fulfilled by doing my part in life, how about you?
Sunday, November 04, 2007
Timing
You have to admit..that sometimes, timing can be everything.
I learned a few years back, that you need to have a few things aligned to create a window of opportunity. This works both for work and for life in general.
Many years ago (vague obviously for a reason) I met this guy. I was in a slightly complicated stage in my life (well, more confused than complicated). He, on the other hand, was in a MORE complicated/confused state. A recipe for disaster.
The thing is it was all good.. Good friends, good times, good vibes, good laughs....
I have to say that if we were in a more lucid state, we would have either recognized the state of it all and maintained the friendship only, or taken it to a more steady level..but as timing had it..after all the dust settled, we had nothing, just a chasm and 'common' friends.
Within the past X years, we've seen each other here and there, exchanging quick hellos to keep up appearances, but anyone who knew us, must have noticed the change in status..and I have to say I felt the difference, and I would imagine he would have too. I'm sure he must have felt the fact that one of his best friends became mine too, possibly from his point of view, replacing him..but that wasn't the case.
I'm thankful that I met one through the other, but one surely doesn't equal the other...
I was angry for a time..because I felt jipped out of my friendship but after x years (and heavy discussions with significant others) i was already at the stage where I thought it was time to mend fences..but the opportunity wasn't there, and the timing was never right.
Life has been chaotic for the past few years..but things had started to settle again, and I was somewhat out of my 'cloud'
And so, recently, a window of opportunity presented itself, and it seemed, for both of us, the timing was right.
When I first got there I was wondering if we'd be able to sort things out this time round..I was there, he was there, with our friends. We said hello and I *think* he gave me a hug...We had dinner, we hit the town and went to some funky bars then we all had breakfast together. A few days later we also all had lunch, and what I thought might have been a one day fluke, wasn't. I figured, yeah, maybe we were okay again.
What really hit home with me was when he (and ofcourse his/my best friend) came over the night before I left (or was it two nights before?)..which was signature him, since the last time we were 'friends' he stayed til the sun came up, half asleep, talking and laughing.
At long last, we were friends again.
We didn't really talk about this until last week, when he saw me on ym, and said something about putting me in his little black book (he was asking for my details) and i said that I had already made it into that book..didn't I?
He asked if I had regrets, and I said no. Regrets about what? Us being friends? not at all. About the good steady friendship that we had? No way. About all the other things that complicated the already complicated situation? No.
Life is all about living and I have no regrets. He was (is) the best of friends...he would drive hours to come get me, and drive hours back to take me home. Everything was funny and he is one of the sweetest guys I have ever met in my life...
He apologized profusely, and I told him that there is nothing to say sorry about anymore...
You know how they say that time heals all wounds? It's not true. Though time is a factor, there are many other factors that you need to put in place to create your own window of opportunity...and forgiving yourself is one of those things as is forgiving other people.
We are only human.
And knowing all these things, talking about it to settle the issues and regaining my center?
Well, somehow, all that happened last week, and that, my friends, is timing.
I learned a few years back, that you need to have a few things aligned to create a window of opportunity. This works both for work and for life in general.
Many years ago (vague obviously for a reason) I met this guy. I was in a slightly complicated stage in my life (well, more confused than complicated). He, on the other hand, was in a MORE complicated/confused state. A recipe for disaster.
The thing is it was all good.. Good friends, good times, good vibes, good laughs....
I have to say that if we were in a more lucid state, we would have either recognized the state of it all and maintained the friendship only, or taken it to a more steady level..but as timing had it..after all the dust settled, we had nothing, just a chasm and 'common' friends.
Within the past X years, we've seen each other here and there, exchanging quick hellos to keep up appearances, but anyone who knew us, must have noticed the change in status..and I have to say I felt the difference, and I would imagine he would have too. I'm sure he must have felt the fact that one of his best friends became mine too, possibly from his point of view, replacing him..but that wasn't the case.
I'm thankful that I met one through the other, but one surely doesn't equal the other...
I was angry for a time..because I felt jipped out of my friendship but after x years (and heavy discussions with significant others) i was already at the stage where I thought it was time to mend fences..but the opportunity wasn't there, and the timing was never right.
Life has been chaotic for the past few years..but things had started to settle again, and I was somewhat out of my 'cloud'
And so, recently, a window of opportunity presented itself, and it seemed, for both of us, the timing was right.
When I first got there I was wondering if we'd be able to sort things out this time round..I was there, he was there, with our friends. We said hello and I *think* he gave me a hug...We had dinner, we hit the town and went to some funky bars then we all had breakfast together. A few days later we also all had lunch, and what I thought might have been a one day fluke, wasn't. I figured, yeah, maybe we were okay again.
What really hit home with me was when he (and ofcourse his/my best friend) came over the night before I left (or was it two nights before?)..which was signature him, since the last time we were 'friends' he stayed til the sun came up, half asleep, talking and laughing.
At long last, we were friends again.
We didn't really talk about this until last week, when he saw me on ym, and said something about putting me in his little black book (he was asking for my details) and i said that I had already made it into that book..didn't I?
He asked if I had regrets, and I said no. Regrets about what? Us being friends? not at all. About the good steady friendship that we had? No way. About all the other things that complicated the already complicated situation? No.
Life is all about living and I have no regrets. He was (is) the best of friends...he would drive hours to come get me, and drive hours back to take me home. Everything was funny and he is one of the sweetest guys I have ever met in my life...
He apologized profusely, and I told him that there is nothing to say sorry about anymore...
You know how they say that time heals all wounds? It's not true. Though time is a factor, there are many other factors that you need to put in place to create your own window of opportunity...and forgiving yourself is one of those things as is forgiving other people.
We are only human.
And knowing all these things, talking about it to settle the issues and regaining my center?
Well, somehow, all that happened last week, and that, my friends, is timing.
Thursday, November 01, 2007
Instead of timing, I give you 'sayad'
how annoying.
I wrote this expressive blog, about how timing can make such a difference..and it didn't save..grrr.
But see, I still want to share the kwento..I need to gather my thoughts again on that, so for now..you'll get 'sayad'
We get exposed to sooo many things in this life. So many people, so many influences, so many situations. The difference between being juvenile and mature is how you handle the different situations. I don't talk about being young and old..i'm talking about melodrama and sayad, I'm talking about knowing when you are moody and being selective on who sees it. I'm talking about causing drama and deciding that you don't want to be involved in the drama.
Now, in Laos, just like anywhere in rural Asia, women *need* to get married early, and ofcourse, the token single foreign boy is the best way 'out'. Sometimes its amusing, to see girls flirt and try to be coy. Just as long as I don't get pulled into anything, I don't mind. But when you single me out and then try to use psychological foolishness to get to the boy I live with..dude..I'm pinoy man, we can smell home made drama a mile away!
Not only did this girl want to meet and catch up with me--which was fine--instead of being actually shy about asking about him, or being direct..she went all funky drama weirdo on me. The last girl that seemed this dramatic was the sister of one of my neighbors)
Then, I had to have dinner with her too..this was kinda my fault. M and I had tentative plans to try out this nice Thai restaurant, but I messed it up and it ended up us three..which actually was fine with me..but dude..she acted even weirder. As in, when he would ask a question, she would go all telenovela and glance left and right and fidget and then just look at me. Then Marcel and I were talking about reading, and he asked her if she reads books about Laos, because he likes to, and she said 'why would i read books about Laos, Ming do you read books about the Philippines?'..I just said 'Uhh, don't use me as your gauge, I read everything'.. Marcel dropped me at my guesthouse, and we talked about how odd she was..and then later on she called me asking if 'she was acting strange' (which, we already established by this stage) and I said 'yeah' and she said something like 'oh, well, marcel makes me act strange, his presence alone makes me act strange' and I thought 'puta, this girl is reallly strange!' (and manipulative)
Next day M and I met with my lao best friend, who told us all the weird stuff this girl does at the office, and how seriously manipulative she is..and M said that she called him last night and she shared how 'He flustered her and his mere presence astounded her'--seriously now.. so I told him she called me too..and that just made the whole thing seem foolish. (he thought he was like the hottest thing since sliced cheese)
I can't really go into detail about how weird she was, but suffice to say, I know weird when I see weird, and mannnnn, this girl..sayad talaga.
The sad thing is, what makes her this way? Why is she manipulative and why does she thrive on drama? The good thing is, I am mature enough to know that a)its not my problem and b)i should avoid her at all costs.
*sayad, in tagalog means to grate or brush against something, usually the ground. like if your skirt brushes against the ground, it's 'making' sayad. In this context, its your brain that hits the ground, therefore you are slightly off center, at 50% or a fruit loop.
I wrote this expressive blog, about how timing can make such a difference..and it didn't save..grrr.
But see, I still want to share the kwento..I need to gather my thoughts again on that, so for now..you'll get 'sayad'
We get exposed to sooo many things in this life. So many people, so many influences, so many situations. The difference between being juvenile and mature is how you handle the different situations. I don't talk about being young and old..i'm talking about melodrama and sayad, I'm talking about knowing when you are moody and being selective on who sees it. I'm talking about causing drama and deciding that you don't want to be involved in the drama.
Now, in Laos, just like anywhere in rural Asia, women *need* to get married early, and ofcourse, the token single foreign boy is the best way 'out'. Sometimes its amusing, to see girls flirt and try to be coy. Just as long as I don't get pulled into anything, I don't mind. But when you single me out and then try to use psychological foolishness to get to the boy I live with..dude..I'm pinoy man, we can smell home made drama a mile away!
Not only did this girl want to meet and catch up with me--which was fine--instead of being actually shy about asking about him, or being direct..she went all funky drama weirdo on me. The last girl that seemed this dramatic was the sister of one of my neighbors)
Then, I had to have dinner with her too..this was kinda my fault. M and I had tentative plans to try out this nice Thai restaurant, but I messed it up and it ended up us three..which actually was fine with me..but dude..she acted even weirder. As in, when he would ask a question, she would go all telenovela and glance left and right and fidget and then just look at me. Then Marcel and I were talking about reading, and he asked her if she reads books about Laos, because he likes to, and she said 'why would i read books about Laos, Ming do you read books about the Philippines?'..I just said 'Uhh, don't use me as your gauge, I read everything'.. Marcel dropped me at my guesthouse, and we talked about how odd she was..and then later on she called me asking if 'she was acting strange' (which, we already established by this stage) and I said 'yeah' and she said something like 'oh, well, marcel makes me act strange, his presence alone makes me act strange' and I thought 'puta, this girl is reallly strange!' (and manipulative)
Next day M and I met with my lao best friend, who told us all the weird stuff this girl does at the office, and how seriously manipulative she is..and M said that she called him last night and she shared how 'He flustered her and his mere presence astounded her'--seriously now.. so I told him she called me too..and that just made the whole thing seem foolish. (he thought he was like the hottest thing since sliced cheese)
I can't really go into detail about how weird she was, but suffice to say, I know weird when I see weird, and mannnnn, this girl..sayad talaga.
The sad thing is, what makes her this way? Why is she manipulative and why does she thrive on drama? The good thing is, I am mature enough to know that a)its not my problem and b)i should avoid her at all costs.
*sayad, in tagalog means to grate or brush against something, usually the ground. like if your skirt brushes against the ground, it's 'making' sayad. In this context, its your brain that hits the ground, therefore you are slightly off center, at 50% or a fruit loop.
Tuesday, October 16, 2007
The deadly sins
I watched a movie over the weekend..blood diamond.
Have you seen this? I have actually put off watching it because I wasn't in the right frame of mind last week to watch a potentially serious movie (since I didn't really know what it was about, other than the conflict diamond twist)..but when I did see it..shucks, I know I am already an activist..but man, this cause demands some attention.
Now I would encourage my friends to watch this movie, because it should change your point of view regarding that ring you plan to buy for your fiance, or the ring that you aim to get from your fiance, or that gorgeous tennis bracelet/pair of earrings that you have always had your eye on..waiting for the day that you can 'buy it for yourself'
I admit, I am one of these girls..no, not the OTT ring from the spouse to be, but the I want to buy something nice for myself when I can afford it..it was a toss up between a tennis bracelet and a watch..but at least now if I get myself the bracelet, i know to ask my jeweler the right questions to make sure I am not playing a part in the conflict in other parts of the world.
Anyway, this movie seriously hit a nerve with me..because we imagine that we live in 'peacetime' as compared to world war status, but really, there are sooo many countries in conflict..the worst ones taking on child soldiers, ripping them from their families, drugging them and making them do the worst things..this is a crime..we are bad enough as a world letting children go hungry, child prostitution, pedophilia..and even worse is that parents themselves can be the bad role models that create weird people who have children too..its a vicious cycle....its just too sad.
I like to think that I am jaded, and cynical..hardened by the harsh things I have seen in this world. I've met people who are not good. People that hurt other people intentionally, people who manipulate situations, people who take advantage of other people..but I guess I should be glad that I haven't been exposed to extreme atrocities directly...but you know..at the end of the day, I feel naive at times..i ask stupid questions like 'why are people so greedy' or 'why are people so envious of others', like I seriously cannot understand it..and so I asked M last night, are these emotions (greed, envy, anger..etc-- in relation to the deadly sins) natural or are they brought about by social pressures/situations? and he said, all emotions are natural but some are emphasized as the child grows up..some naturally, some not..some brought about by experiences, some by how you see other people deal with or react to certain things..What makes someone greedy? What makes someone abuse power? (shucks, I just thought of politicians there for a sec, but I won't go into that)
Two babies are sitting in one cot, you pick one up..the other one left in the cot cries. Is this envy? I guess it is at some basic level..They are not envious of the other child, they just want to be carried too..what happens though is some adult will say 'ha ha child, you are not as wanted as the other child', some foolish person directs the envy towards another human being.. I know its not this simple, but it could be..which is just..sad.
Yeah, I know, this is a rambling blog with a lot of unhappy things..but I would like to imagine that there are more people who care than don't.
Have you seen this? I have actually put off watching it because I wasn't in the right frame of mind last week to watch a potentially serious movie (since I didn't really know what it was about, other than the conflict diamond twist)..but when I did see it..shucks, I know I am already an activist..but man, this cause demands some attention.
Now I would encourage my friends to watch this movie, because it should change your point of view regarding that ring you plan to buy for your fiance, or the ring that you aim to get from your fiance, or that gorgeous tennis bracelet/pair of earrings that you have always had your eye on..waiting for the day that you can 'buy it for yourself'
I admit, I am one of these girls..no, not the OTT ring from the spouse to be, but the I want to buy something nice for myself when I can afford it..it was a toss up between a tennis bracelet and a watch..but at least now if I get myself the bracelet, i know to ask my jeweler the right questions to make sure I am not playing a part in the conflict in other parts of the world.
Anyway, this movie seriously hit a nerve with me..because we imagine that we live in 'peacetime' as compared to world war status, but really, there are sooo many countries in conflict..the worst ones taking on child soldiers, ripping them from their families, drugging them and making them do the worst things..this is a crime..we are bad enough as a world letting children go hungry, child prostitution, pedophilia..and even worse is that parents themselves can be the bad role models that create weird people who have children too..its a vicious cycle....its just too sad.
I like to think that I am jaded, and cynical..hardened by the harsh things I have seen in this world. I've met people who are not good. People that hurt other people intentionally, people who manipulate situations, people who take advantage of other people..but I guess I should be glad that I haven't been exposed to extreme atrocities directly...but you know..at the end of the day, I feel naive at times..i ask stupid questions like 'why are people so greedy' or 'why are people so envious of others', like I seriously cannot understand it..and so I asked M last night, are these emotions (greed, envy, anger..etc-- in relation to the deadly sins) natural or are they brought about by social pressures/situations? and he said, all emotions are natural but some are emphasized as the child grows up..some naturally, some not..some brought about by experiences, some by how you see other people deal with or react to certain things..What makes someone greedy? What makes someone abuse power? (shucks, I just thought of politicians there for a sec, but I won't go into that)
Two babies are sitting in one cot, you pick one up..the other one left in the cot cries. Is this envy? I guess it is at some basic level..They are not envious of the other child, they just want to be carried too..what happens though is some adult will say 'ha ha child, you are not as wanted as the other child', some foolish person directs the envy towards another human being.. I know its not this simple, but it could be..which is just..sad.
Yeah, I know, this is a rambling blog with a lot of unhappy things..but I would like to imagine that there are more people who care than don't.
Friday, October 12, 2007
Ming logic at 24 years old
A long time ago, well considering Caeci is now what, 24 (which is what I was at the time when I wrote it), I thought 17 was a good time in a girl's life to know a little more about what to do when things get tricky...that you had to be a bit girl guide/scout-ish..always be prepared.
I mean, I reflected at the time to when *I* was 17, and the foolish things I did then, and the things she would be exposed to..and i figured, forewarned is fore armed, or something like that (dunno about the spelling tho!) It worked for me, hopefully it worked for her too..You can't tell me at one stage in your life (or even now) that these wouldn't apply!
Few pointers from ta ming when I was 17.
1. Always trust instinct
2. Do not trust instinct when drunk or tipsy
3. Always say No unless ready.
4. Think 30 times before doing something DooBy!
5. DON'T get caught!
6. Strive to be good for yourself.
7. Always Love Tita Ming
8. If it feels uncomfy, get out of the situation ASAP
9. Always include the element of risk, but always apply rule 4 and 5
10. NO to anorexia, bulimia and rehab/detox
11. Always keep coins to call home
12. If he breaks up with you who cares......gorgeous paren!
13. Respect is earned
14. Be fair always and Dont litter!
15. **ommitted because it won't make sense to anyone :) **
16. At times of depression draw strength from those who love you
17. Drink responsibly, drive safely, buckle up, and smile, baka the guy in the other car is a cutie
I mean, I reflected at the time to when *I* was 17, and the foolish things I did then, and the things she would be exposed to..and i figured, forewarned is fore armed, or something like that (dunno about the spelling tho!) It worked for me, hopefully it worked for her too..You can't tell me at one stage in your life (or even now) that these wouldn't apply!
Few pointers from ta ming when I was 17.
1. Always trust instinct
2. Do not trust instinct when drunk or tipsy
3. Always say No unless ready.
4. Think 30 times before doing something DooBy!
5. DON'T get caught!
6. Strive to be good for yourself.
7. Always Love Tita Ming
8. If it feels uncomfy, get out of the situation ASAP
9. Always include the element of risk, but always apply rule 4 and 5
10. NO to anorexia, bulimia and rehab/detox
11. Always keep coins to call home
12. If he breaks up with you who cares......gorgeous paren!
13. Respect is earned
14. Be fair always and Dont litter!
15. **ommitted because it won't make sense to anyone :) **
16. At times of depression draw strength from those who love you
17. Drink responsibly, drive safely, buckle up, and smile, baka the guy in the other car is a cutie
Wednesday, October 10, 2007
Trust issues
I knew I had trust issues, though you know, you would never imagine that I did with the way I talk, and talk so freely about anything that happens to me..
But yes, like everybody, there is some information about me that reach only those who are either 1)are in my circle of trust 2)need the information/interested in the information 3)someone who has incurred my wrath, and gets a LOT of information he he he..
You may think or it may seem that I am hard to hurt. Like I have this stoic attitude about things, that I can 'logic' anything to death and that I'm such a bitch, in all likelihood, whatever you say won't hurt me.
In some ways, yes, that is true. Especially for those whose opinions don't mean anything to me.
But sometimes, I am foolish enough to leave space for mistakes.
The good thingfrom this experience is, I feel. I appreciate the fact that I am feeling again.
The bad thing is, though the lie was small, minuscule in fact, my general trust issues are in the way and I feel as if I can't trust this person anymore. I know, unforgiving, but the deceit is still fresh (I know, deceit is a strong word, but it matches how I feel).
I have trust issues because of things that have happened to me in the past few years of my life. You take people's word for it. That they will change, that they will try better. You think people are sincere enough, like yourself to follow through, for the greater good, for the people they love...but they fall short of your expectations. And yes, I know, I have learned to expect less. Not to lower my expectations, but just reduce the value of the expectation. Rude, yes, internal mitigation measures that work sometimes need to be.
But again, am getting a better view of why I am reluctant to really let any potential significant other in..
But yes, like everybody, there is some information about me that reach only those who are either 1)are in my circle of trust 2)need the information/interested in the information 3)someone who has incurred my wrath, and gets a LOT of information he he he..
You may think or it may seem that I am hard to hurt. Like I have this stoic attitude about things, that I can 'logic' anything to death and that I'm such a bitch, in all likelihood, whatever you say won't hurt me.
In some ways, yes, that is true. Especially for those whose opinions don't mean anything to me.
But sometimes, I am foolish enough to leave space for mistakes.
The good thingfrom this experience is, I feel. I appreciate the fact that I am feeling again.
The bad thing is, though the lie was small, minuscule in fact, my general trust issues are in the way and I feel as if I can't trust this person anymore. I know, unforgiving, but the deceit is still fresh (I know, deceit is a strong word, but it matches how I feel).
I have trust issues because of things that have happened to me in the past few years of my life. You take people's word for it. That they will change, that they will try better. You think people are sincere enough, like yourself to follow through, for the greater good, for the people they love...but they fall short of your expectations. And yes, I know, I have learned to expect less. Not to lower my expectations, but just reduce the value of the expectation. Rude, yes, internal mitigation measures that work sometimes need to be.
But again, am getting a better view of why I am reluctant to really let any potential significant other in..
Thursday, September 06, 2007
Obsessed to the Nth degree
I'm obsessed, i know it, you know it.. Ha ha ha..so here is my horoscope..which I try not to believe really, but man, today, its soooooooo spot on.
The receptive Cancer Moon reflects the depth of our feelings today and we may be at the bottom of a well without any way to get out. Paradoxically, it is our fear that prevents us from climbing out. Sensitivity is a gift, but it can also tempt us to hide in the safety of our inner world. Sweet Venus, nearing the end of her retrograde phase, holds an irritating quincunx with erratic Uranus, so sudden flashes of desire can shock us into motion.
Damn. Like I said to Caeci, in my ever what the hell fashion,
'The breakthrough is I seriously feel. Na somewhat vulnerable or the opening for vulnerability and what do I do with that? Do I just slink back and tightly shut the operculum or come out and risk some hermit crab coming in to separate me from my shell?'
Yuck. Ha ha ha ha..if you can't laugh at yourself, someone else surely will!
The receptive Cancer Moon reflects the depth of our feelings today and we may be at the bottom of a well without any way to get out. Paradoxically, it is our fear that prevents us from climbing out. Sensitivity is a gift, but it can also tempt us to hide in the safety of our inner world. Sweet Venus, nearing the end of her retrograde phase, holds an irritating quincunx with erratic Uranus, so sudden flashes of desire can shock us into motion.
Damn. Like I said to Caeci, in my ever what the hell fashion,
'The breakthrough is I seriously feel. Na somewhat vulnerable or the opening for vulnerability and what do I do with that? Do I just slink back and tightly shut the operculum or come out and risk some hermit crab coming in to separate me from my shell?'
Yuck. Ha ha ha ha..if you can't laugh at yourself, someone else surely will!
Wednesday, September 05, 2007
Ming updates week 10
I've been here for 10 weeks now, and I sent out an update to some people and thought to post it here.
To you who may have wanted to know more about the project I work on, especially since when I am asked how many megawatts or whatever this project generates and I can't answer..well, here it is :) (ay, not attaching it, if you want it, email me)..or check out www.namtheun2.com
All I know is I am loving it here, smog free, starbucks free and the third s, stress free (well, not really, but yeah, as stress free as its gonna get)..(and I don't need starbucks, we have an espresso machine in the office)
Just some updates on me...
1. Yes, i am still single....don't listen to the rumours..ha ha ha
2. Yes, I went to Phuket last week to meet up with some family and it was good,
3. Yes, I have lost weight (ha ha ha) considering all I can eat is rice and cucumber (well, some egg here and there, meat at times, and pasta when I make it or when I go to vientiane)..but not much yet..oh well.
4. No, I haven't finally decided if I am staying on or not, nor have I been made a solid offer, though my boss did say that they will work on my employment contract next month. I am still thinking about doing my PhD.
5. No I haven't gone seriously shopping yet (he he he)
6. Yes, I really do live with 5 boys, two of which are my bosses and they aren't there all the time. Only two of us really reside there (me and Marcel, he's dutch), the others come once in a while. I'm fine, promise.
7. And yes, I am surviving, quite well actually. Loving the work, loving the environment (I see nearly 180 degrees of sky, the rest is limestone mountains and paddy fields). I saw the sea for a few days (Andaman added to my list of seen seas now!) so I am set for a bit on ocean exposure needs.
Other than this, nothing much has changed. Email when you can, visit when you can..and bring food when you do, ha ha ha. oh and pens and pencils!
Hugs and love :)
Ming
To you who may have wanted to know more about the project I work on, especially since when I am asked how many megawatts or whatever this project generates and I can't answer..well, here it is :) (ay, not attaching it, if you want it, email me)..or check out www.namtheun2.com
All I know is I am loving it here, smog free, starbucks free and the third s, stress free (well, not really, but yeah, as stress free as its gonna get)..(and I don't need starbucks, we have an espresso machine in the office)
Just some updates on me...
1. Yes, i am still single....don't listen to the rumours..ha ha ha
2. Yes, I went to Phuket last week to meet up with some family and it was good,
3. Yes, I have lost weight (ha ha ha) considering all I can eat is rice and cucumber (well, some egg here and there, meat at times, and pasta when I make it or when I go to vientiane)..but not much yet..oh well.
4. No, I haven't finally decided if I am staying on or not, nor have I been made a solid offer, though my boss did say that they will work on my employment contract next month. I am still thinking about doing my PhD.
5. No I haven't gone seriously shopping yet (he he he)
6. Yes, I really do live with 5 boys, two of which are my bosses and they aren't there all the time. Only two of us really reside there (me and Marcel, he's dutch), the others come once in a while. I'm fine, promise.
7. And yes, I am surviving, quite well actually. Loving the work, loving the environment (I see nearly 180 degrees of sky, the rest is limestone mountains and paddy fields). I saw the sea for a few days (Andaman added to my list of seen seas now!) so I am set for a bit on ocean exposure needs.
Other than this, nothing much has changed. Email when you can, visit when you can..and bring food when you do, ha ha ha. oh and pens and pencils!
Hugs and love :)
Ming
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