Sometimes you feel like a boulder, large and cumbersome but with substance and breadth. Too large to move, but too small to build a city on. The boulder feels good, stable and relaxed. Like an elderly statesman, nodding and ahhing, full of information, full of thoughts and ideas. Like a school of thought. Like an institution unto yourself... until you absorb everything around you...
Sometimes you feel like the newbie pebble..rolling down a hill, gathering speed and collecting things along the way..good and bad things, happy and sad experiences, rolling towards the bottom of the hill when you will actually again, be the size of a boulder with all the things that you have accumulated on the way down.
Both states are good. Like Clare said in her nice blog, (something like) happiness does not mean you don't feel unhappy-- happy is not being devoid of unhappiness!
But how about me? Am I a boulder right now or am I the pebble pelting its way down that hill?
Well, I'm thinking I'm a pebble on the edge of the top of the hill, holding my breath because if I move an inch, or even exhale, well, I could be onto that next adventure..and the question is, am I ready for it?
Tuesday, February 27, 2007
Thursday, February 22, 2007
I dunno anymore..
I wrote this blog some time early Feb..before my fiasco weekend, but it didn't save when I pressed save and publish, so I am going to try again.
*Warning: this blog is not the happiest of blogs, and though it ends on a happy note, well, its still a bit dark, don't say you weren't warned.*
Tragedies come in different shapes and sizes and one can only hope that you are strong enough to endure.
One big mother of a tragedy is a death or a near death in a family.
It's actually quite easy to say how sorry you are for someone you know, but actually, when you know someone quite well, you know that all the sorries in the world don't help. Ofcourse people mean well but it doesn't really penetrate through the haze that you are currently in.
For example, the tsunami tragedy in Thailand bonded people in ways that we can only imagine.
One thing though, is that you switch off (well, I did). As if your body knows that you can't really take much more of anything..and when it does this, well..you don't really know how to switch it back on. I mean yeah, you get back to some semblance of normalcy but its not really the same. Emotions are just hard to understand. When you feel sad, you feel a dull ache, when you are happy, same dull ache. When you are angry..well, yeah, dull ache..so how do you distinguish love or real love at that?
I am sure I am not the only person who has experienced this, and so.. I am going to name the club the tragic club.
Because its a tragedy that brings you into the club and its tragic that you had to even join it. Its a club that once you are a member, well, you're a member for life. You will always feel the bond with someone, and i would even stretch to *anyone* who has gone through the death or near death of someone you are close to. I am not starting a club nor is there such a club as this, I just wanted to name it for literary purposes.
I even recall a time when I was not part of this club. My friend's dad passed away. And I felt really bad for her. I didn't want to say sorry, or offer condolences because as if that really soothes the pain. On the other hand, I didn't really know how she felt...until my sister's near death experience. We (my friend and I) spoke after the dust settled, and I tell you, I saw her pain (years and years AFTER her dad passed away) in a different light, a more familiar light, and she saw now too, that I knew how she felt and could talk about it differently..
Being a member of this club is not good. It means you have experienced pain. But I have to admit there is comfort in knowing that you are not alone in what you feel, even though you know that when people say 'over time the pain will go away' its a lie, it won't..You learn to cope with it, to enjoy life in other ways, but every time you access the memories, the pain is AS vivid, and as potent as it was, bringing you to tears. But like I said, there is comfort in knowing that you have a friend or friends who know how best to console you at the right time, because they know EXACTLY how you fee.
*again, apologies..sad, but true..*
*Warning: this blog is not the happiest of blogs, and though it ends on a happy note, well, its still a bit dark, don't say you weren't warned.*
Tragedies come in different shapes and sizes and one can only hope that you are strong enough to endure.
One big mother of a tragedy is a death or a near death in a family.
It's actually quite easy to say how sorry you are for someone you know, but actually, when you know someone quite well, you know that all the sorries in the world don't help. Ofcourse people mean well but it doesn't really penetrate through the haze that you are currently in.
For example, the tsunami tragedy in Thailand bonded people in ways that we can only imagine.
One thing though, is that you switch off (well, I did). As if your body knows that you can't really take much more of anything..and when it does this, well..you don't really know how to switch it back on. I mean yeah, you get back to some semblance of normalcy but its not really the same. Emotions are just hard to understand. When you feel sad, you feel a dull ache, when you are happy, same dull ache. When you are angry..well, yeah, dull ache..so how do you distinguish love or real love at that?
I am sure I am not the only person who has experienced this, and so.. I am going to name the club the tragic club.
Because its a tragedy that brings you into the club and its tragic that you had to even join it. Its a club that once you are a member, well, you're a member for life. You will always feel the bond with someone, and i would even stretch to *anyone* who has gone through the death or near death of someone you are close to. I am not starting a club nor is there such a club as this, I just wanted to name it for literary purposes.
I even recall a time when I was not part of this club. My friend's dad passed away. And I felt really bad for her. I didn't want to say sorry, or offer condolences because as if that really soothes the pain. On the other hand, I didn't really know how she felt...until my sister's near death experience. We (my friend and I) spoke after the dust settled, and I tell you, I saw her pain (years and years AFTER her dad passed away) in a different light, a more familiar light, and she saw now too, that I knew how she felt and could talk about it differently..
Being a member of this club is not good. It means you have experienced pain. But I have to admit there is comfort in knowing that you are not alone in what you feel, even though you know that when people say 'over time the pain will go away' its a lie, it won't..You learn to cope with it, to enjoy life in other ways, but every time you access the memories, the pain is AS vivid, and as potent as it was, bringing you to tears. But like I said, there is comfort in knowing that you have a friend or friends who know how best to console you at the right time, because they know EXACTLY how you fee.
*again, apologies..sad, but true..*
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