The Beach

I'm about to go to the beach..

Why do I sound so desolate about something so exciting? Because I am going alone with a guy whom I know for a fact only wants one thing and me naman I think I am more emotionally attached than I would like to admit. Yeah yeah, I know, Manoy said none of that falling in love stuff but fuck.. but then again, maybe Im just hesitant all together and it has nothing to do with being in love because I don't really know this guy.. I mean I know him well enough but not killer well. I know his name, his family name..I don't know how many siblings he has and I don't know the name of his dog. I know that he spends time with his family but I don't know them. I know that he tries to make it out to see me before I get home but I don't know where he has been and why he is late..Why does he text na he's not that talkative and am I when he can just find out later..I'm really not ready for this stuff I don't think..I just want to kick back and relax and enjoy my weekend...how hard is that.

Hay Men, what to do? I mean this guy is like hot and cold and sometimes he texts but he never calls so I guess I should know that 'he's just not into me!' ha ha ha...neuroticism coming out sweetheart.

Fear

I'm not usually afraid..I mean don't get me wrong, I have my phobias and insecurities but I have to admit speaking my mind and talking about anything is not one of them. If you notice I started blogging at an unhappy time in my life..sister got sick, parents going crazy (well, from my point of view anyway), new job, broke up with my boyfriend of 6 years..I mean its quite lucky I'm still somewhat okay..I wouldn't say I have come out of this unscathed because I am quite scarred now but only those who really know me or are sensitive to these things can tell..I am not one to hold in emotions and for about 6 months I had to do just that and so my circuit breaker went off and now my emotions are just ibang klase..I don't care about some things and get touchy about others..though ofcourse I keep this to myself as much as I can...mainly because I don't feel as if I have someone to share this with..someone who will listen to me..yeah yeah drama I know..but still..
I read the blog of a friend on friendster..take note friend on friendster because this guy is not my friend in real life and therefore neither is his friend. He (the friend of the friend) wrote a blog about achieving things alone and how lonely it is no matter how great the achievement. I can relate..maybe I'm not used to being single..maybe I don't like being single..but I am willing to stay that way while I wait to meet someone worthwhile..

So fear and its army...what am I afraid of? Many things..the dark, lonliness, losing family and friends..lots of things. Ofcourse its comforting when I see friends and they tell me they read my blog and am I alright..as they have never seen me this sad or dark or unhappy..sheesh..this was supposed to be a happy blog..let me change gear.

I'm much better now. Even though a few things happened to me last month that could have once again turn my world upside down, I held the fort. I didn't get all emotional..though in retrospect I should have. (I will write a different blog for this...long story) Bottom line is that I am better..not back to normal, but much better...and so what has this got to do with fear? I've been trying to write a blog for the last few weeks, months maybe....and as I said, I am fearless about sharing my thoughts...but somehow its only now that I am able to write something again..blogger's block maybe..but somehow I could not write..I would write half a blog and delete it...not that I believe this blog makes sense..you tell me..I know I am rambling..i guess its like writing music, the more unhappy or emotional you are, the more angst you have to write about..but don't get me wrong..I'd rather be happy and have happy things to blog about from time to time than be unhappy and be blogging 24/7.

Background music

The thing about background music is that its always there, in the back, waiting for you to listen to it. Then when you do, you would usually decide to either turn it off (if its some crappy song), change it (if you still want to listen) or continue listening to it.
Like in life..

I have recently realized that sometimes what ifs are better as what if nots..catch my drift? I have to be rather vague kase I don't want to hurt anyone just because I want to share how I feel. I actually wrote a frank blog about this on my other blogging thingy, which I will not share because its anonymous.

So even though my life has been one hell of a crappy rollercoaster ride these past 10 months..I've sorted so many things out about myself, my relationships and my state of mind that maybe, as the saying always goes, things happen for a reason. Ofcourse I would rather that Mich not have had an aneursym, and that my olds were happier...I guess we all have our hang ups.. and I would imagine my detractors saying " at last, ming has a problem, I always thought she was too happy to be real"..yeah, well I was happy..I am happy, or getting there anyway.
Back to the background music..as I said we all have options. For example, Exhibit A. Mr A is a nice guy but cheats on his girlfriend/partner/whatever. Though Mr A may say that its nature and you can't fight nature..I still believe that even though the music is on, you can always turn it down, or turn it off...and please, kaya nga survival of the fittest eh, if you can't adapt to new situations, you'll go extinct..and life is always at k, some level of chaos at all times. I could go on and on about this but I wont. Enough said that you can always turn the music off.

Exhibit B. Ms. B doesn't want to hear the music. She'd rather act oblivious to it so that life is more simple...personally I think she is too afraid to hear it because she would probably have to act on it.

and finally..

Exhibit me. Exhibit me hears the music, but sometimes I don't know what to do with it..sometimes (in retrospect because retrospect is always 20 20 vision as my father always says) i think there are times that I should have just turned it off, sometimes when I should have stopped to listen to it and acknowledge it, and sometimes I should have turned it up..hopefully with age I have gotten better at knowing when to do what..we'll just have to see.

note: I think I should start writing movie reviews or something less personal..I always seem to analyse myself

Singles

Funny how funny being single can be...I mean I feel like I am in high school..getting giddy over a crush..meeting new people and thinking, christ, how do I look kaya? But actually, its funny being single and older because you seem to notice things a bit more...

anxiety

I checked on "depression.com" and it verifies something I already know...I'm depressed and I have some kind of anxiety disorder because I get anxious and I am moody. Thank god I didn't need to pay for this because this is information I already knew. Anyway...I wanted to focus on my anxiety today. I am anxious..Hi my name is Ming and I am anxious. I feel like throwing up and crying and I am extremely moody. (Hi Ming, welcome)...wow, I am now making dialogues too...scary. But seriously...I need some help..anyway..this post is for all you people who think you are alone..there are many of us, some are just not so ready to share how they feel.

I, on the other hand, am planning to use this as a way to purge my demons.

Surrealism and porn

Its quite odd how things become surreal once the going gets tough. Maybe its your systems way of telling you that its all too much and that you need a break. So to combat the unhappiness that you may have read on my previous blog, I am writing one about a break that I had.

The other day I went to my cousin's house to drop something off and to say hi. I was feeling EXTREMELY low and needed to talk, maybe get a hug and some kind of reassurance that I am doing alright. After a good long conversation and a hug or two later, her sister called and showed up...then her husband came out and joined us, as did another friend. So what started out as a heart to heart became a vodka night.

It was a great evening, full of laughs and more laughs...I can't tell you how much I needed a break at this time and the group that we had together was perfect for it. Adding another person might have ruined the moment, one less person might have made it too somber..I felt so much better, and I am sure my cousin felt better seeing me feel better..

I haven't felt this good in a while..maybe it means that my system is trying to reboot and may start feeling again. But anyway..It was a really good night...I can't explain how good a night it was..we were laughing 90% of the time!

So why surrealism and porn. Well, with regards to surrealism, its always easy to watch someone else go through hard times but not really understand how surreal it actually is to the person who is going through it. It feels surreal for the friend trying to console you because you don't really know what to say..and its surreal to the person going through it because she is thinking, am I really going through this?

And porn..where does porn come into all of this? Well, one main question that evening is that do men really believe that women can do all those things girls do in porn. So its surreal because a woman would rarely imagine her man would want her to try all of those things, and its surreal because the man actually believes that his woman would want to try all those things for him.. :)

Dramas of the third kind

Long time no blog...not for the lack of drama let me tell you....more like the overload of it that I have switched off from the world..so anyway, onto my post. Drama comes in many shapes and sizes...some are simple...like when someone doesn't call when you hope they will call..see that is simple, but can become complicated when you get quite uptight that the person didn't call and refuse to take his/her call or even argue on the phone..then the person retaliates with harsh words and then tears come..and then boom...its a full blown drama fest of unmanageable proportions. Lets look at that again though...if you just stopped at when they didn't call and assume the best (like they just simply forgot or were damn busy) then you wouldn't have been so hot headed and when you call them to remind them that they didn't call they will apologise...now isn't that more simple?

Less drama, less hassle..

Melancholy and the infinite sadness

I'm assuming that things just don't happen to me, they happen to everyone, and there is comfort I guess in knowing that someone somewhere has felt or is feeling how I feel right now. Not much comfort, but some. Unhappiness has always been a state of mind for me as I am rarely unhappy, not a constant and more of a variable..something that changes over time and this gives me great comfort since I know some time soon this will all go away..but the sad thing is I think it would have changed me forever..Changed my basic composition, changed my disposition. Changed my way of thinking and maybe even my values...maybe even my point of view..maybe even my core... I guess I should be thankful for the things that have happened in my past that make me strong in the present. And if you think you have somehow made me strong in my past, be it through trials or good times..feel better by knowing that you have made me a better person.
SO..why the blog..why share how I feel..because I have never been scared to use my experience to maybe help someone else...all that bola about being thankful for being blessed, trust me..everyone should count their lucky stars and live life to the fullest. Enjoy your independence, enjoy whatever age you are and enjoy the moment, because sometimes life slaps you when you least expect it, and you are going to need those moments you had to live through it

Friday night

ITs friday night, I'm sitting in front of my lap top writing a post. I'ts brown out and damn hot..welcome to manila! HAd a few beers with my boss, Jaime, quite a cool guy...

Driving home I was listening to an evanescence song..the one about pain and how its too real. I guess over all that's how I feel. I can't find my way out of the darkness unless I can imagine the light...but I guess I'm not at that stage of healing yet. I'm at the how could my sister desert me and how can she be slacking off at a time like this phase..and a I can't believe he found stable work in less than two weeks after breaking up..evidently he needs shock treatment and is not a planner by nature...he's better off without me...all my encouragement and motivation for sweet f a. Happy weekend folks

I have a reunion tomorrow... Also meeting up with a potential..potential what I don't know..til the next post! ciao ba-by

Singapore Sling

I've been out of commission for a week. Was off to brunei to hug the trees before they cut them down. Even including in our report how they should set aside a 'sanctuary' for corporate social responsibility. Its tree hugging disguised as a selling point. I'm getting good at this. Still somewhat overwhelming, but getting the hang of it more or less.

My weekend was great. I stayed over night in Singapore and I tell you, Manila is just..lost. I don't mean in infrastructure, politics, lifestyle and all that jazz..I mean in the variety of people you can meet. Manila is cookie cutter country. We have a few molds and one batch of dough and you either become a socialite (by background) a socialite (by skill but this is to be determined by the socialites themselves), A social climber (usually those who marry into money or white...you choose), the poor (who will stay poor because its easier than trying to change), the worker ant (who will always be an employee and never an employer due to the lack of effort)..and the dramatic..but I think drama is mixed in the dough already.

I was sitting last night talking to a few friends and one girl could not STOP talking about herself and her family (oh how prestigous they are).. I wanted to get up and just leave..considering she is actually a somewhat nice girl..but still..woman.,..move along! I guess this can also be brough upon the fact that I have issues at the moment and didn't want to hear inane crap..but anyway...this is actually leading to something.

SO yes, Singapore, friday night at the local irish pub..and I tell you, here, you are no one. In Manila you may be the most well known actor, model, scientist, fashionista, metrosexual..but in singapore you are just you. Its the same in the UK and even in the states if you keep away from the 'disney' crowd- those who moved from Manila and gravitate around each other.

I was actually talking to a very good friend of mine the other week about the bliss of being no one else where..No social class, no mold to fit in, no pressures...

Suffice to say I had fun in singapore..it was fun, wild and full of shopping. I drank copious amounts of alcohol (thanks to Kev), saw the sun rise from the balcony of Orchard Parade, and beat a local shark at pool..how much better could that have been?

Change over time

I'm a scientist. I always try to view things in a very logical, scientific manner...but since I am female (no complaints please!) I am also quite emotional..so go figure...a scientific emotional approach is my usual mode of operation...Depending on the situation at hand it can change from scientific emotional to emotionally scientific.

My boyfriend and I just broke up. After about6 years of dating each other, making plans for the future, standing my ground against my stubborn, opinionated, racist and demanding parents, we break up.

I'm not going into the why's and wherefore's because everyone has their reasons. What I want to talk about is trends...(scientist here) Everything has a trend...even things that you think are random have trends. El nino has a trend..people take the trouble to do surveys to identify changes over time..changes in coral assemblage, changes in community structure, changes in dead coral and dead coral with algae, changes in faunal assemblage of mangroves...but most importantly, people should survey changes in their lives. Usually this is done on ones birthday when they reach past the age of parties. You reflect about your life, what you have done, who have you touched...who's life have you ruined...that kind of thing.

But again, in science, you do things in intervals...and i think the life survey should be done in shorter intervals...not yearly, but quarterly and during times of rapid change.

But emotionally, why need the survey..just live life to the fullest and take the shots as they come (preferably not in the chest)..

The reason why you do the survey is so that you know or you can predict when the shots will come..but then again, it doesn't exactly hurt any less no matter how prepared you are.

So what to do? Scientific or emotional? I go both ways..throw yourself in and live in the moment but do periodical surveys to assess where you are at the given time..so that you can prepare yourself for the moment you have been dreading and wallow in the unhappiness that you knew was coming..

Happy thoughts from an unhappy girl.

Love or something like it...according to friendster

Two days and I haven't posted anything...mainly because there was nothing of interest happening to me but I still should have made some effort...anyway...today I have a topic of interest..So whats the story?
I have this ex.. I have a present boyfriend... I have this 'what if' guy..and one reliable guy who was an ex but is now just a friend...and a best friend..just to set the scene.

So here I am, down in the dumps, like Im in that millionaire game..the one where you have one life line? My past few weeks have been about life lines since I am in quite a state...(reaad past blogs or posts)...Have been fighting with present boyfriend so things there are just unstable..so I contact reliable guy and somehow for the first time ever in my life he is not so reliable..can't reach him, doesn't text back...I guess he doesn't realize the severity of this situation of mine...or maybe he doesnt care since he's snagged this hot young thing..(but thats a different story all together) (side comment, its not like I care that he's dating this girl..I just expected him to be there like I was for him when his ex broke up with him and he was devastated) Sooo..no go there..more down in the dumps thinking 'I'm a fat loser no one cares!' So I contact ex and the 'what if' guy..during this time the present boyfriend is constantly arguing with me...and ex responds in a 'will you marry me way' somewhat overwhelming! And 'what if' calls me all the way from where he is at (13hrs flying time to be exact)..that really cheered me up to no end since 'what if' comes from way back..Anyway, so now in my state I am confused...why am I with present, why not with ex? 'What if' is a bit of a question mark unless he gets his act together but I may be too difficult for him anyhow..ANYWAY..so now I am thinking how nice it was to be with ex. Remembering all the good things...and thinking this is nice and simple and good...Oh yeah, and in between this I contacted best friend (15 hrs away by flying) and she whips me into action..reprimands me for bad form and cheers me up..which present bf feels jealous about (god help me really..the relationships I get into!) And she also tells me to stop contacting ex since he was a loser then and still is a loser now..from her point of view anyway..but seriously I am considering ex..like did I make a mistake leaving him kind of consider.

So yesterday I met with boyfriend for the first time in a while and I felt happy...probably due to the attention given to me by 'what if' and presnt boyfriends ncier attitude about my dilemma..so where does this leave ex?

This is where friendster comes in (enter friendster stage left) Ex has always been a bit of a misfit...an outlier..not that that has ever had an effect on me..i seem to attract outsiders..so what does this all mean? Here I am considering this guy when he adds me on his friendster..Me, I have about a hundred friends or more and I checked out his site and I am his only friend and we have 'no friends in common'..if I wasn't so blind then I would have noticed the same thing in the past without friendster telling me that we really have no friends in common. I fthis is any indication of how our life might be for the rest of my life if I marry him..god help me!

Happy weekend to all you out there and if you are in Manila be glad for the 3 day weekend! Ciao bella :)

Lost in transit

So I'm home...after a long day at work...but then again that is nothing interesting is it. So, you ask...what happened to Ming that was interesting today (other than my daily dilemmas anyway)..I lost a consultant....did you hear that right? Yes, I sent an old man to the airport to go to Brunei and somehow, somewhere, he isn't there, he isn't here...I can't seem to locate him..I lost him in transit. I doubt your day could be much worse...but then again, as I said, this is free therapy for me...somewhere I could write down how I feel, how bad my day is, how sad I am about all the drama going on around me...I think I would win a 'who's got the craziest momma' contest. Hands down baby!

But the scary thing there is...don't they always say you'll grow up to be just like your mother!? (or is it men marry women like their mothers?) I get confused. So yeah...other than this its been peachy. My sister is ill, my mother is crazy, my father is a control freak and I am just me..count your lucky stars. Til the next.

(eds note (25.07.09)- I say a lot of grr things, mainly focused on my parents and sister in this blog, of which I apologize in advance. This is how I felt at the time I wrote this, and don't want to change it. My parents are great. They have their flaws, they are human. My family is not extraordinary in this way, but they are in others, as my sister survived an aneurysm, my mother raised her sisters and brothers AND us, and my father, well, he is the smartest most loving person I know..so, as common as we may seem in some ways, we are also extraordinary.

On the air

Testing...though I am sure it will work. First entry in my blog, which has supposedly become quite a fad, but that's not why I decided to make one. This is a selfish venture, a place where I can vent and not expect an answer, but at least I wrote it down. I should be paying for this since this is my therapy instead of paying a counsellor. Lets see how good it is. Til the next entry