Pregnancy 101

I never imagined I would reach the age to actually be pregnant. Actually be old enough to consider myself a potentially good but cool mother..but here I am now, 4 months pregnant, and finally enjoying it.

First of all, nothing and I mean NOTHING prepares you for the first trimester. Maybe I am not the norm, but for those who plan to get pregnant, be prepared NOT to be the norm. I was lucky enough not to get morning sickness, but I was so not prepared for mood swings. Okay, it wasn't even swinging, it was just mood, dark, somber, NOT happy and surely NOT shiny! More like paranoid schizophrenic in hyper sensitive jealous insecure mode!

And I think back to all the movies and crap that glorify pregnancy..hey don't get me wrong, I want to be pregs..I want to experience it in full, all the ups and the downs, but it would have been nice if someone was actually blunt enough to say 'you are going to turn into a woman you wouldn't marry yourself, be kind and tell your husband to go hang out with his friends until you snap out of it'..that would have been nice.

So..4 months, 4 kilos more than when i started..hoping to not hit cow proportions. I have porn boobs, like it actually looks like I have had implants put in..sheesh.

And overall, it really is an inexplicably great experience..til the next entry..

p.s. dad's cancer markers are down, though he couldn't do chemo today as his rbc's were low..but overall, much much better..Here's praying for 2 more years of time with daddy.

Cyclic

They say everything moves in cycles. possibly true. So one minute you are up, the other you are down. Duration of stages in the cycle can greatly differ, I guess its how you view the situation.

Soooo, IF you have been following me (unlikely, which is all good), you should know that:

2004: sister, aneurysm
Status from 2004 to present: Mich now works, so yay for her in that regard. But her lack of drive, her lack of lust for life, her happiness with being relegated to being a bum, well, that has stayed. Its easy to blame my mother for it, but I won't, as she is old enough to know what is right and wrong, and how not to burden other people needlessly. She probably has lost a marble or two, but the selfishness that is currently presiding is just not good enough.

2007: Moved to laos
Status from 2004 to present: After the rollercoaster drama of being home, dealing with the fam, drinking myself til 8 am every weekend and working myself to death, I move to Laos, where I worked myself to death also, but also ended up meeting my future husband. I am now married and 2 months pregnant. I honestly can't ask for more. My life is blessed.

December 2009: Daddy diagnosed with Stage 4 metastatic pancreatic cancer.
Current status: One round of chemo done, On the second round now, with one session today, and another next week. Initially weak, but currently gaining strength and walking unaided.

So, cyclic. I was able to cheer up and be happy for hmmm 3 years before I'm told that the man who has played the leading role in my life is going to die within the next 3 months if he doesn't do chemo, and 6 months to 2 years if he responds well to treatment.

There must be a reason why parents are supposed to let kids go, like emotionally go,because for me, I am directly linked to my father. I am 34 and he still called me every other day, and texts me every day, and I live in a different country!

As usual, my mother is not accustomed to certain ways of thinking, like POSITIVE thinking, or adaptive management. No, she's the KAYA KO To attitude. She makes mura everyone, especially the maids, she can't accept help from people and well, she's tiring herself to death. Just what I needed, two dead parents. NICE. she's also worried that her money is going to run out...hay.

anyway, today is a good day. life is good. I am expecting a child. My parents love each other so much they want to do die together. nice.

and just when you thought all was going well..

I was waiting for something to go wrong...life was too good. and as cynical or pessimistic you want to say I am, I just say I am realistic..life is cyclic, and things happen...and now,..what I can classify as possibly the worst thing that could happen in my life has happened. I can't imagine another thing that could be worst than this. Okay, perhaps an abrupt death of my father would be worst, but him, my best friend, confidante, partner in crime, has been diagnosed with stage 4 pancreatic cancer..

I guess I was given a year or two of full bliss: love, happy parents, work, stability..then siempre, this.

Thing is you cant break down. Not at this stage. Crying and breakdowns are for the weak. I will cry when he is dead, or when he is in pain. For now, he requires my strength and he deserves it all...

I guess I am going to start blogging more frequently again, as I usually do when the fish hit the fan..