Five years after the ICU

For the past few days I've been thinking about making a post..what kind of update, do I talk about my lack of time to plan the wedding? Do I talk about how happy I am (booorrinngg), do I talk about my cutie dog?..I couldn't think, so I let it sit.

Last night in bed, I had trouble sleeping. Well, I normally have trouble, but last night was more than usual..but then, instead of trying to sleep I got to thinking for some reason about 5 years ago, March 2005.

Some memories are vivid, some are so hazy, not sure if that is intentional because the vivid ones INCLUDE the bad ones.

I remember the day I was called. Can't remember who called me na, was it Mel? Was it Daddy? I was on the supercat from Dumaguete to Cebu, it was just about to leave. 10 mins later and I wouldn't have gotten the call to make the flight home. I got to Cebu, I packed a back pack and jumped on the flight to Manila. I do remember that it was Mel who picked me up, and took me straight to Asian. I do remember that Marissa and I were 'fighting' again, but she called me after I left her a message of 'I wouldn't call you right now if it wasn't important'...I know that day changed the lives of at least 9 people, 10 including me.

I lived in Asian Hospital from November 27 to January 4. I think I left all of 3 days, for a maximum of 8 hours (including sleeping time)except for the day of Naomi's wedding. I do recall vividly that while in the ICU, I slept an average of 2 hours per day, and that I had a good friend there with me, doing exactly the same thing.

I knew the menu of the food of skyline catering by heart. I was checking her blood pressure every half an hour. I remember trying to alleviate the load of my parents..though I did this for two reasons, one of which was selfish..I couldn't handle it if I had two people ill, one was enough for now thanks. The other being I wanted to save my parents the pain of every small detail..which I think I did, and am glad I did...I remember taking the valium instead of giving it to my mother, and Nette taking the other one that the doctor gave for mommy too.

My life is not the chaos it used to be. If you had asked me then would I be in Laos working for the biggest Hydro project (multi purpose project) thats being touted as the 'project to follow' with regards to environmental and social safeguards in place..I would have laughed. I mean, hello, LAND LOCKED! If you had asked me then would I be getting married soon to someone not from home or from my circle, I would have surely scoffed at that too, because I would have never imagined to live so far from my friends, my people..

I was lucky though, because I tackled my life issues as if it were a scientific experiment, something that starts with a hypothesis, a set of parameters and a problem that just needed the right formula to be solved.

I would never wish that someone go through what I went through. And no, I'm not trying to over sensationalize my feelings, as if its all about *me*..it's not. It was about all of us.

And though my life may no longer be in chaos, I still have those moments in bed thinking about that time, and it really has scarred me for life. I still feel the pain in my chest when I think too hard, and still feel tears when I picture things in my head.

It's my sister's birthday in a week. It's been five years since all hell broke loose in our house, and it may not be back to normal, but I can't say I am not proud of my sister who now works, who had a life schedule, who gets stuff done. I can't say I haven't been critical, especially since I feel as if I have lost out the most (my perspective)..I can't say that I don't expect more from her just BECAUSE she is my sister, the daughter of my father. We are products of hard working earnest people, so I do have high expectations of her and myself. We are not half assed, we are do or don't. Perhaps the time will come when I will accept that its not 'we' its 'me'..but I am not there yet.

But for now, its time for a cease fire, as we are going to celebrate life and love and survival. We have survived. We have risen from the ashes stronger, more determined, more real and tangible..happy birthday Sparks!

This is my life. With all its dramas, all its cliff hangers, all its dull moments, everything.. I appreciate my life and the people I share it with. And that includes you. so thank you, for being there, either in thought, action or truancy. I am okay because of you.