Timing V2

Okay, I just uploaded old entries from other blogs, mainly to fill in the gaps in stories, to give the full feel of the dramas I created for myself in the time my sister was ill.

But this also gave me the opportunity to look back through a lot of things I have written.

First of all I'm hesitant to share this openly, because its quite raw..and maybe difficult to appreciate or relate to..and because its so raw, I might open myself to criticism. On the other hand, as I said in an earlier blog, maybe this angst is all for nothing, and no one reads what I have to write..but just as long as it helps anyone who reads it, then its good for me...

But back to timing for a second.

I'm revisiting that title, because its apt. I look back and think about everything that I went through, and even surprising is the way I anticipted change, and scientifically dissecting my emotions..what a weirdo. But timing because even how Pem fits into this all is perfect timing..as I may never have come to Laos, I may never have taken this job, and never had met him if the chips didn't fall the way they did,..

Not that the 'other story' that would have evolved wouldn't have been interesting (assuming you chose to do B and then it sends you to page 31 and NOT page 40..) but well, this is it, this is me, the here and now.

I re read my stuff and know that I am cynical. I know that I am rude about certain things and extremely passionate about others. I may have friends who think I am harsh in my criticisms of the world, the people..whatever..but well..this is who I am. And this is what I think.

Here goes nothing.

The time is now..

Ming. Out.

Compassionate anxiety

I don't know if this is real, this compassionate anxiety, but maybe its like telekenesis in some ways, as one person can channel their anxiety to another, even from miles away.

I mean, I know how anxiety feels:
Feel dizzy-- CHECK
Nausea-- CHECK
Irrational thoughts of doom-- CHECK CHECK CHECK.

I have to say, during the time of my sister's illness I did not feel anxious. I felt responsible. I had to take the pole position and turn my emotion switch off. I had trouble turning it back on..but that is a different story altogether.

I DID feel anxious in the first stages of falling in love last 2007. Most likely because I was just coming from an emotional black hole and then shoved into a rainbow of feelings..its like alcohol or lsd for the first time..Even just the thought of Pem would make me feel like throwing up. I was constantly in a cold sweat and had thought of our potential relationship and its imminent failure in 2,328 ways. I don't believe that this is what one has to go through to know love in its truest sense..I just think it was just the time in my life.

But NOW, this is totally different.

I have a friend who is troubled. And this friend has found a way to channel compassionate anxiety my way..The irrational thoughts, the nausea, the dizzy spells..all CHECK! Sheesh..

But, honestly, I don't mind. If I can be an exit point of the stress, then fine..but I did tell my friend that they should tell me when they ARE anxious, so I can anticipate the jolt of emotion and NOT imagine that my life is on the edge and that the issues are mine.

Being a good friend means that sometimes, you need to take the shots.

Updates, news and whatever comes out of my head

Well, I must share that I am now, 99.999% married. We just need to sign our names on the dotted line, which we will cheesily do on my birthday, the 28th. (note to self--but ticket home already!, oh and check out credit card bill)

Its quite an odd system they have here. Took us 6 months to get it all done, from documents from the DFA to our police interviews, medicals, and every government official having a look at our income (okay, mine only, as I am the foreigner).. and I am now imagining the police lady handing over our paper work to someone who is now applying for the same thing as a 'model to follow' like they did for us..yeah, I got handed over someone elses wedding papers (some guy who works for the UN--imagine) including his bank statements.. no sense of confidentiality at all..oh well.

Have had funny discussions with friends recently and some thoughts have come from this..

People don't really change, a**es from the past, will most likely still be a**es in the future. Unless they have some sort of life changing event, don't expect people to change drastically. A few small habits here and there, yeah, but a change? Suggest you be the one to change instead.

Drama is like a drug, something that should be avoided and/or outlawed.

On another note..

I am still hesitant to broadcast this blog, maybe because its too close to the heart, but is that so bad really? Well, lets see, soon.