I'm about to go to the beach..
Why do I sound so desolate about something so exciting? Because I am going alone with a guy whom I know for a fact only wants one thing and me naman I think I am more emotionally attached than I would like to admit. Yeah yeah, I know, Manoy said none of that falling in love stuff but fuck.. but then again, maybe Im just hesitant all together and it has nothing to do with being in love because I don't really know this guy.. I mean I know him well enough but not killer well. I know his name, his family name..I don't know how many siblings he has and I don't know the name of his dog. I know that he spends time with his family but I don't know them. I know that he tries to make it out to see me before I get home but I don't know where he has been and why he is late..Why does he text na he's not that talkative and am I when he can just find out later..I'm really not ready for this stuff I don't think..I just want to kick back and relax and enjoy my weekend...how hard is that.
Hay Men, what to do? I mean this guy is like hot and cold and sometimes he texts but he never calls so I guess I should know that 'he's just not into me!' ha ha ha...neuroticism coming out sweetheart.
Thursday, November 03, 2005
Fear
I'm not usually afraid..I mean don't get me wrong, I have my phobias and insecurities but I have to admit speaking my mind and talking about anything is not one of them. If you notice I started blogging at an unhappy time in my life..sister got sick, parents going crazy (well, from my point of view anyway), new job, broke up with my boyfriend of 6 years..I mean its quite lucky I'm still somewhat okay..I wouldn't say I have come out of this unscathed because I am quite scarred now but only those who really know me or are sensitive to these things can tell..I am not one to hold in emotions and for about 6 months I had to do just that and so my circuit breaker went off and now my emotions are just ibang klase..I don't care about some things and get touchy about others..though ofcourse I keep this to myself as much as I can...mainly because I don't feel as if I have someone to share this with..someone who will listen to me..yeah yeah drama I know..but still..
I read the blog of a friend on friendster..take note friend on friendster because this guy is not my friend in real life and therefore neither is his friend. He (the friend of the friend) wrote a blog about achieving things alone and how lonely it is no matter how great the achievement. I can relate..maybe I'm not used to being single..maybe I don't like being single..but I am willing to stay that way while I wait to meet someone worthwhile..
So fear and its army...what am I afraid of? Many things..the dark, lonliness, losing family and friends..lots of things. Ofcourse its comforting when I see friends and they tell me they read my blog and am I alright..as they have never seen me this sad or dark or unhappy..sheesh..this was supposed to be a happy blog..let me change gear.
I'm much better now. Even though a few things happened to me last month that could have once again turn my world upside down, I held the fort. I didn't get all emotional..though in retrospect I should have. (I will write a different blog for this...long story) Bottom line is that I am better..not back to normal, but much better...and so what has this got to do with fear? I've been trying to write a blog for the last few weeks, months maybe....and as I said, I am fearless about sharing my thoughts...but somehow its only now that I am able to write something again..blogger's block maybe..but somehow I could not write..I would write half a blog and delete it...not that I believe this blog makes sense..you tell me..I know I am rambling..i guess its like writing music, the more unhappy or emotional you are, the more angst you have to write about..but don't get me wrong..I'd rather be happy and have happy things to blog about from time to time than be unhappy and be blogging 24/7.
I read the blog of a friend on friendster..take note friend on friendster because this guy is not my friend in real life and therefore neither is his friend. He (the friend of the friend) wrote a blog about achieving things alone and how lonely it is no matter how great the achievement. I can relate..maybe I'm not used to being single..maybe I don't like being single..but I am willing to stay that way while I wait to meet someone worthwhile..
So fear and its army...what am I afraid of? Many things..the dark, lonliness, losing family and friends..lots of things. Ofcourse its comforting when I see friends and they tell me they read my blog and am I alright..as they have never seen me this sad or dark or unhappy..sheesh..this was supposed to be a happy blog..let me change gear.
I'm much better now. Even though a few things happened to me last month that could have once again turn my world upside down, I held the fort. I didn't get all emotional..though in retrospect I should have. (I will write a different blog for this...long story) Bottom line is that I am better..not back to normal, but much better...and so what has this got to do with fear? I've been trying to write a blog for the last few weeks, months maybe....and as I said, I am fearless about sharing my thoughts...but somehow its only now that I am able to write something again..blogger's block maybe..but somehow I could not write..I would write half a blog and delete it...not that I believe this blog makes sense..you tell me..I know I am rambling..i guess its like writing music, the more unhappy or emotional you are, the more angst you have to write about..but don't get me wrong..I'd rather be happy and have happy things to blog about from time to time than be unhappy and be blogging 24/7.
Background music
The thing about background music is that its always there, in the back, waiting for you to listen to it. Then when you do, you would usually decide to either turn it off (if its some crappy song), change it (if you still want to listen) or continue listening to it.
Like in life..
I have recently realized that sometimes what ifs are better as what if nots..catch my drift? I have to be rather vague kase I don't want to hurt anyone just because I want to share how I feel. I actually wrote a frank blog about this on my other blogging thingy, which I will not share because its anonymous.
So even though my life has been one hell of a crappy rollercoaster ride these past 10 months..I've sorted so many things out about myself, my relationships and my state of mind that maybe, as the saying always goes, things happen for a reason. Ofcourse I would rather that Mich not have had an aneursym, and that my olds were happier...I guess we all have our hang ups.. and I would imagine my detractors saying " at last, ming has a problem, I always thought she was too happy to be real"..yeah, well I was happy..I am happy, or getting there anyway.
Back to the background music..as I said we all have options. For example, Exhibit A. Mr A is a nice guy but cheats on his girlfriend/partner/whatever. Though Mr A may say that its nature and you can't fight nature..I still believe that even though the music is on, you can always turn it down, or turn it off...and please, kaya nga survival of the fittest eh, if you can't adapt to new situations, you'll go extinct..and life is always at k, some level of chaos at all times. I could go on and on about this but I wont. Enough said that you can always turn the music off.
Exhibit B. Ms. B doesn't want to hear the music. She'd rather act oblivious to it so that life is more simple...personally I think she is too afraid to hear it because she would probably have to act on it.
and finally..
Exhibit me. Exhibit me hears the music, but sometimes I don't know what to do with it..sometimes (in retrospect because retrospect is always 20 20 vision as my father always says) i think there are times that I should have just turned it off, sometimes when I should have stopped to listen to it and acknowledge it, and sometimes I should have turned it up..hopefully with age I have gotten better at knowing when to do what..we'll just have to see.
note: I think I should start writing movie reviews or something less personal..I always seem to analyse myself
Like in life..
I have recently realized that sometimes what ifs are better as what if nots..catch my drift? I have to be rather vague kase I don't want to hurt anyone just because I want to share how I feel. I actually wrote a frank blog about this on my other blogging thingy, which I will not share because its anonymous.
So even though my life has been one hell of a crappy rollercoaster ride these past 10 months..I've sorted so many things out about myself, my relationships and my state of mind that maybe, as the saying always goes, things happen for a reason. Ofcourse I would rather that Mich not have had an aneursym, and that my olds were happier...I guess we all have our hang ups.. and I would imagine my detractors saying " at last, ming has a problem, I always thought she was too happy to be real"..yeah, well I was happy..I am happy, or getting there anyway.
Back to the background music..as I said we all have options. For example, Exhibit A. Mr A is a nice guy but cheats on his girlfriend/partner/whatever. Though Mr A may say that its nature and you can't fight nature..I still believe that even though the music is on, you can always turn it down, or turn it off...and please, kaya nga survival of the fittest eh, if you can't adapt to new situations, you'll go extinct..and life is always at k, some level of chaos at all times. I could go on and on about this but I wont. Enough said that you can always turn the music off.
Exhibit B. Ms. B doesn't want to hear the music. She'd rather act oblivious to it so that life is more simple...personally I think she is too afraid to hear it because she would probably have to act on it.
and finally..
Exhibit me. Exhibit me hears the music, but sometimes I don't know what to do with it..sometimes (in retrospect because retrospect is always 20 20 vision as my father always says) i think there are times that I should have just turned it off, sometimes when I should have stopped to listen to it and acknowledge it, and sometimes I should have turned it up..hopefully with age I have gotten better at knowing when to do what..we'll just have to see.
note: I think I should start writing movie reviews or something less personal..I always seem to analyse myself
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