Fear

I'm not usually afraid..I mean don't get me wrong, I have my phobias and insecurities but I have to admit speaking my mind and talking about anything is not one of them. If you notice I started blogging at an unhappy time in my life..sister got sick, parents going crazy (well, from my point of view anyway), new job, broke up with my boyfriend of 6 years..I mean its quite lucky I'm still somewhat okay..I wouldn't say I have come out of this unscathed because I am quite scarred now but only those who really know me or are sensitive to these things can tell..I am not one to hold in emotions and for about 6 months I had to do just that and so my circuit breaker went off and now my emotions are just ibang klase..I don't care about some things and get touchy about others..though ofcourse I keep this to myself as much as I can...mainly because I don't feel as if I have someone to share this with..someone who will listen to me..yeah yeah drama I know..but still..
I read the blog of a friend on friendster..take note friend on friendster because this guy is not my friend in real life and therefore neither is his friend. He (the friend of the friend) wrote a blog about achieving things alone and how lonely it is no matter how great the achievement. I can relate..maybe I'm not used to being single..maybe I don't like being single..but I am willing to stay that way while I wait to meet someone worthwhile..

So fear and its army...what am I afraid of? Many things..the dark, lonliness, losing family and friends..lots of things. Ofcourse its comforting when I see friends and they tell me they read my blog and am I alright..as they have never seen me this sad or dark or unhappy..sheesh..this was supposed to be a happy blog..let me change gear.

I'm much better now. Even though a few things happened to me last month that could have once again turn my world upside down, I held the fort. I didn't get all emotional..though in retrospect I should have. (I will write a different blog for this...long story) Bottom line is that I am better..not back to normal, but much better...and so what has this got to do with fear? I've been trying to write a blog for the last few weeks, months maybe....and as I said, I am fearless about sharing my thoughts...but somehow its only now that I am able to write something again..blogger's block maybe..but somehow I could not write..I would write half a blog and delete it...not that I believe this blog makes sense..you tell me..I know I am rambling..i guess its like writing music, the more unhappy or emotional you are, the more angst you have to write about..but don't get me wrong..I'd rather be happy and have happy things to blog about from time to time than be unhappy and be blogging 24/7.